KISMET, The Drive

“Tito Sy, are you courting my nanay?”

Napamulagat ako kay Iliad. Natigilan si Syrelle sa pag-abot ng sliced apple. Napatanong si Josh.

“What?” Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin sa amin ni Josh.

Nanlalaki ang mga matang inilingan ko siya at itinuro si Iliad. “Alam mo bang nakailang tanong na sa akin iyang anak mo?”

“What?” Hindi makapaniwala niyang tanong na naman.

Syrelle smiled. “Why do you think that way, Iliad?”

Sabay-sabay kaming napatingin sa kaniya.

“Kasi po you are always here? You always shower me with gifts? Isn’t that a way to get my nanay’s heart?”

Nabilaukan si Josh. Napaubo ako. Si Syrelle ay umawang ang mga labi at napatingin sa akin. He was about to say something nang biglang bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto ni Iliad.

“Hey, big man,” bungad ni Dustin na napahinto nang makita kung sino ang kasama namin sa kwarto.

“Andrew, you’re here.”

Tumango si Syrelle na binaba ang platito sa side table ni Iliad. Sinundan ni Iliad ng tingin ang galaw niya. Pinigilan ko ang matawa.

“Wow. What an amazing sight. Magkasama sa isang hospital room ang two big hotshots ng National Television ngayon,” tukso ni Josh na prenteng umupo sa couch.

“Well, I think I’ll be going. Dustin is here.”

Tumayo si Syrelle. Akmang maglalakad na siya nang magsalita na naman si Iliad.

“But Tito Sy, you haven’t answered my question yet?”

Ginulo niya ang buhok ni Iliad at sinabing, “Next time, kiddo. Get well soon first.”

Nagpaalam na siya sa dalawa. Ako naman ay sinamahan siya sa labas.

“Uhm, thank you, Mister Sy, uh, Syrelle. Gosh. Ang hirap mong tawagin sa pangalan mo, a,” natawa kong turan.

Natawa rin siya. Ang gwapo naman nito tumawa.

“Iliad is a curious kid, isn’t he?” aniya.

“Ay, sure. Sobrang matanong. Sinanay din kasi ng mga tatay niya kaya ganiyan.”

“I’m really glad he grew up to be what he is now.”

Napangiti ako. Hindi iilang beses na na nagpasalamat siya sa amin. Wala naming kaso iyon sa amin kasi talaga namang mahal naming si Iliad. Inilalapit ko na rin sa kaniya ang bata para hindi na ganoon ang aloofness kapag pinakilala na namin siya sakaniya bilang tiyuhin.

“How are you?” Kapagkuwa’y tanong niya.

“Huh?” Napatingin ako sa kaniya.

“I haven’t asked you since you fainted. I got so busy with the case and finding the car who hit and ran my nephew I forgot to ask you.”

Ay, ang sweet. Bakit nagtatanong?

“Okay naman na ako. Basta okay si Iliad, okay ako. Nakita na ba ang sasakyan?” Hindi ko matanong si Dustin kasi sobrang busy niya. Ilang araw ko siyang hindi nakita. Hindi rin sila nagtatagpo ni Syrelle kasi medyo mabigat talaga ang case nila. Sa hospital lang nagpupunta si Dustin bilang pag-iingat na rin.

Tumango siya. “The driver is in custody and in questioning. He’s appealing that he didn’t notice Iliad when he drove the car.”

“Makukulong ba siya?”

“Probably. Negligence in driving resulting to injury was already filed against him.”

Tumango-tango ako. Pagkatapos ay namayani ang katahimikan habang naglalakad kami pababa ng hagdan. Balak ko sana siyang ihatid hanggang sa parking. Ang laki rin kasi talaga ng tulong niya mula nang maaksidente si Iliad.

“You studied law, right?” Kapagkuwa’y tanong niya.

“Hmm. Yeah. Pero hindi ko na tinapos.”

“Won’t you like finishing it?”

Napatingala ako sa kaniya at napaisip. Gusto ko pa bang tapusin ang law?

“Hindi na siguro,” iling ko. “I see how Dust works. Sobrang hectic. Hindi ko maaalagaan nang maayos si Iliad if magtutuloy ako. Isa pa, sobrang dangerous sa field.”

Naalala ko na naman iyong nangyari sa isang prosecutor na namatay. Hindi ko kaya ang ganoong buhay. May Iliad na nakaabang sa bawat pag-uwi ko kaya hindi na siguro.

Siya naman ang tumango-tango.

“Ikaw? Wala ka bang balak pumasok sa pulitika?” Hindi ko mapigilang tanong. Curious kasi talaga ako. Halos buong pamilya niya sa father side ay nasa gobyerno. Ang sa mother side naman niya ay medicine at engineering ang field.

Hindi agad siya umimik. Akala ko hindi na siya magsasalita pero mukhang nag-isip lang siya ng isasagot.

“My brother Symon was supposed to enter politics. However, things happened. He died. My parents asked me if I want to embark on that field. I thought about it for quite some time. I declined. I couldn’t risk my life for the sake of politics. My brother died because of it, I’m sure of that, so no,” aniya. “Iliad came in the picture then. He became the reason why I finally had the guts to decline right in front of my kin.”

Feeling ko naiintindihan ko siya. Nararamdaman ko rin kasi iyong feeing na lalayo ka sa mga bagay na alam mong ikapapamahamak mo.

Nakarating na kami sa entrada palabas ng hospital. Alam kong dito siya lalabas kasi may driver siya na sasalubong na lang sa kaniya sa labas. And I was right. Nasa labas na ang kaniyang driver.

“Bye,” paalam ko sa kaniya. “Thank you sa pagpunta.”

Nilingon niya ako. “Always my pleasure. I’ll get going then?” Alangan na itinaas niya ang kamay at nag-small wave.

Hindi ko alam pero may naiwang ngiti sa mga mukha ko habang tinatanaw ko siya palayo.

Months passed. Maayos na si Iliad. Nakulong din ang driver. Bakasyon na sa school kaya naman pinasya kong ipasyal sa Maynila ang anak. Noong nakaraan pa kasi siya umuungot sa akin na gusto raw niyan pumunta sa National Museums. Nakwento yata ng kaklase niya iyong visit doon kaya ninais din niyang pumunta.

Ako ang nag-drive habang ang maliit na bata ay busy sa pagkain na baon namin.

“Nanay, are there many paintings there?”

Kanina pa siya maraming tanong kaya kanina pa rin ako sagot nang sagot sa kaniyang mga katanungan. Buong biyahe namin pa-Maynila ay gising siya. Bakas ang excitement sa mukha ng anak ko ang pagpunta sa National Museums.

Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay niya nang makababa kami ng sasakyan. Baka biglang tumakbo ito patawid. Mahirap na.

“Whoa.”

Naglalakad kami ngayon pa-National Museum of Fine Arts. Hindi na siya nagsasalita bagkus ay nagmamasid na lang sa paligid.

“We can roam around the three museums just for today, nanay?”

“Yes, my love. Kaya enjoy the view. Tomorrow, we will visit Ocean’s Park.”

“Yey!” Nagtatalon sa tuwa ang bata.

Napangiti na lang ako. Buong maghapon kami naglibot. Inakyat naming lahat ng floors sa tatlong museum. Nagtagal kami nang bongga sa crocodile display ni Lolong. Marami siyang tanong. Mabuti na lang talaga at nabisita ko na itong tatlong museums noong nag-aaral ako. Alam ko rin ang ibang kwento sa likod ng mga naka-display dahil natatandaan ko pa ang binanggit ng naging tour guide namin.

Bakas ang ngiti sa mukha niya habang naglalakad kami paloob naman sa SM City Manila. Gusto naman niya ng Jollibee sa loob daw ng SM. Ang daming arte ng baby ko.

Maganang kumain si Iliad. Habang nasa gitna ng pagkain ay tumawag si Hans through video call.

“Saan na kayo?”

“Jollibee.” Itinutok ko ang cam kay Iliad na hawak ang chicken. “Iliad, daddy is on phone.”

“Oh. Hi, daddy!

Silang dalawa na ang nag-usap. Ang daming kwento ng bata kaya natagalan bago ko makuha ang phone.

“For sure ako plakda iyan mamaya sa sasakyan,” tawa ni Hans.

“Sabi mo pa,” tango ko. “Tapos na mancom niyo?”

“Yeah. Katapos lang. Ang daming kailangang gawin.”

“Stress ka na? Wala ka pa sa kalingkingan ng trabaho mo,” ngisi ko sa kaniya.

Mahirap maging principal. Based pa lang sa kwento ay ang daming work. Mataas naman ang sahod pero ang responsibility ay sobrang taas.

Quarter to seven p.m. na kami nakalabas ng mall. Ang dami pa rin naming bitbit na pagkain. Dumaan pa kami sa supermarket para sa ilang biscuits at may take-out naman fom McDo.

“May dinosaur ba sa tiyan mo, anak?” tanong ko kay Iliad.

Nginisian lang ako ng bata. Ngayon naman ay katawagan na niya ang tatay Dustin niya. Isinabit ko nang maayos ang phone niya sa leeg para kahit mabagsak niya ang phone ay naka-lace sa kaniya. Dala lang niya iyon kapag lumalabas kami.

Hawak ko siya sa kamay habang patungo sa parking lot. Ang dami pang sasakyan. Buhay na buhay pa ang Maynila.

Nag-vibrate ang phone ko. Napatingin ako sa screen. Inayos ko ang hawak sa bitbit at sinagot ang tawag. Sinulyapan ko pa si Iliad na kausap pa rin si Dustin.

“Hello?”

“Hi,” malalim ang boses na sagot ng kabilang linya. Biglang nag-tumbling ang puso ko.

I cleared my throat nang nilayo ko ang phone. Pagkabalik sa tenga ay saka ako nagsalita. “Napatawag ka—”

Hindi ako nakasagot nang may biglang dumaang motor sa harap namin. Huminto sa apat at saka may itinutok na kung ano kay Iliad. Napatili ako na naiyakap ang anak. I felt something pierced at my back, dalawang beses, but I did not mind dahil tinakpan ko ng  yakap si Iliad.

Nakarinig din ako ng ibang sigawan ng mga tao sa paligid. Sunod na narinig ko ay ang hagibis na andar ng motor papalayo.

“Nanay?” Takang-tanong ni Iliad na lumayo ng yakap sa akin.

Napaiyak ako sa takot para sa kaniya. Sa kaniya itinutok iyong baril. Paano kung hindi ko siya nayakap agad?

“Naku, may tama siya!”

“Tumawag kayo ng ambulansya!”

“Nanay, why are you crying? What happened?”

Dama ko iyong dalawang bala sa likod ko. Para akong manhid na hindi agad naramdaman ang sakit noon. Basta ligtas si Iliad ay okay lang.

“Hawakan niyo. Hawakan niyo!”

May humawak sa akin sa balikat para tiyakin na hindi ako tutumba kasi parang anytime ay tutumba na ako. Nagkakagulo na iyong paligid namain. Si Iliad ay nakamasid lang sa akin habang mahigit ang hawak ko sa mga kamay niya.

“Nanay?”

Namungay ang mga mata ko. Gusto kong mahimatay sa sakit ng likod ko. No. Hindi pwede. Wala pang kasama si Iliad. Nadaanan ng tingin ko ang phone niya.

“Can you give me your phone?”

“Huh? Uh, okay.” Inilapit niya sa akin ang phone.

Nanginginig ang kamay na binitiwan ko siya at hinawakan ang phone.

“Dust.” Napaubo ako. Napayuko nang biglang may lumabas na dugo sa bibig ko.

“Wala pa ba iyong ambulansiya? Dalhin na lang natin siya sa hospital!”

“Nanay, there’s – there’s blood,” nanlalaki ang mga mata ni Iliad na agad inilabas ang panyo at pinunasan ang bibig ko. Nabitiwan ko na ang phone. Bigla na lang naging madilim ang paligid ko.

KISMET, The Blood

“No, daddy.”

Napatingin kami ni Mina sa mag-daddy nang sumagot si Iliad. Ibinaba ko ang mga gamit na dinala sa hospital noong nakaraan. Kalalabas lang namin sa hospital. Sinundo at hinatid kami nina Josh at Mina. I was really apologetic with them kasi na-postpone ang supposedly honeymoon nila three days ago. Ayaw umalis ni Josh hangga’t hindi okay si Iliad kaya todo ang hingi ko ng paumanhin kay Mina na tinawanan lang ako.

“It’s okay, Lhes. I don’t mind. I love Iliad, too. If Josh would not stay, I would. I wanted to make sure he’s okay before I have fun, right?”

Kaya laking pasalamat ko na lang talaga. Napabalik ang tingin ko sa mag-daddy na mukhang masinsinan na nag-uusap sa sala. Napailing na lang ako. Pareho naman pasaway ang dalawa kaya sila talaga magkakaintindihan.

Niyaya ko na lang si Mina sa kusina para mag-ayos ng dinner. They were staying here for the meantime. Sa makalawa ay itutuloy na nila ang honeymoon abroad. Kami na lang maiiwan ni Iliad dito. Though sa bandang taas lang naman ng kanto namin ang magiging bahay nila ay mami-miss ko ang laging magulo at pasaway na kaibigan. Paano na lang pala kung mag-asawa na rin sina Han at Dust? Well, kasama ko naman si Iliad kaya I would be fine.

A week passed just like that. Nakabalik na ulit sa school ang makulit na bata. Ngayon nga ay sinundo ko siya kasi sa labas kami kakain. Hindi na ako magluluto dahil dalawa lang naman kami sa bahay. Hans was in a seminar in the north. Sobrang busy na rin niya lagi. He’s been preparing to take the examination for Principals kaya todo aral and attend siya ng seminar. Dustin, on the other hand, got busied with the case he’s holding. Speaking of, he’s calling.

Pinapasok ko muna sa sasakyan si Iliad bago sinagot ang call.

“Yes? What’s our problem?”

Hindi agad sumagot si Dust. I could hear crumpling of papers and parang may hinahanap siya na kung ano. Pumasok na ako sa driver’s seat at inilagay sa phone holder ang cellphone.

“Dust, naka-loudspeaker ka, a,” inform ko habang inayos ko ang seatbelt ng anak.

Tumingin sa akin si Iliad. “Tatay?” Itinuro niya ang phone kaya tumango ako.

“Tatay, I miss you!” Bigla siyang nag-lean malapit sa phone at nakangiting binati ang tatay niya.

“Oh, shit. Sorry. Hi, big man! Do you miss me?” From sobrang inis na boses ay biglang naging sweet si Dust. Iba talaga charm ni Iliad, e.

Tumango-tango si Iliad na akala mo ay kaharap lang ang kausap. Siguro ay limang minuto muna silang nag-usap bago ako naman na ang hinarap niya. Kinabit ko ang earpiece. Careful lang kami minsan mag-usap lalo na if adult issues. Masyado kasing matalino si Iliad. Mabilis maka-pick up ag anak ko ng emosyon at issues. Alam na niya agad ang nangyayari kahit hindi na siya magtanong.

“Am I still on a loudspeaker?” He asked.

“No na.” Nilinga ko ang anak na busy na sa panonood sa Ipad. Iliad’s into architecture and engineering. Gustong-gusto niya mag-drawing ng buildings at manood ng construction.

Malalim ang paghinga ni Dustin. Something’s wrong.

“Okay ka lang?”

“Yeah. Dead tired. I’m sorry if I disturb you, Lhes. But can you please send a document I forgot at home? It’s in my room. It is in the upper part of the study cabinet. I’m sorry. I cannot leave now. I’ll be meeting with the lawyer of the suspect. I need that document.”

Oh. Akala ko naman kung ano na. “Iyon lang ba? Sige. Dadalhin ko. Saan? Sa office mo?”

Balak ko sanang ihabilin na muna sa kapitbahay si Iliad kaso umalis naman kaya no choice ako kung hindi isama na lang ang bata. Narinig niya yatang pupunta kami kay tatay niya kaya mas lalo siyang na-excite.

Umuwi lang kami sandali. Kinuha ang document na kailangan ni Dust. Na-c-curious ako kung anong laman ng envelope. But I respected privacy and confidentiality so hindi ko na tinignan. Ang alam ko Dela Rama case pa rin ang hawak niya. Matindi ang pressure sa kaniya, ramdam ko. Influential ang family ng biktima, e.

Dumaan na lang kami sa drive thru para mabilhan ng pagkain si Iliad. Past 4 pm na. Nag-message na lang ako kay Dust nab aka medyo matagalan kami dahil sa traffic. Hindi na siya nag-reply. Busy na siguro. Grabe. Matatapos na working hours niya pero may ka-meet up pa siyang lawyer. Hindi talaga uso sa prosecution ang on time na pag-uwi, ano?

Mag-six pm na nang makarating ako sa office niya sa Batasan. Inayos ko ang pag-park at ginising si Iliad na tulog na. Iwan ko na lang kaya? Kaso baka magising siya na hindi ako makita. So, I decided to wake him up. Tulog na tulog na siya.

“Paano ba ito?”

I tried calling Dust para salubungin na lang niya kami kaso hindi na siya sumasagot. No choice na ako kaya binuhat ko na lang si Iliad. Hawak ko ang envelope sa isang kamay at nakasukbit sa balikat ang body bag.

Binati ako ang guard. “Magandang gabi po.”

Tumayo iyong guard. “Magandang gabi, Ma’am. Saan po kayo?”

“Kay Prosec Consuegra po sana.”

“Kay Prosecutor Consuegra po? Sandali, Ma’am. Tawagan ko ang office niya. Upo muna kayo.”

Hindi ako tumanggi kasi may kabigatan na rin talaga ang baby ko. Hay naku. Tulog na tulog pa rin kahit na umupo ako at medyo nagalaw siya kasi inayos ko ang binti niya.

Bago hawakan ng guard ang telepono ay nagtanong pa siya sa akin. “Asawa po ba kayo ni Prosec Consuegra, Ma’am?”

Napalinga ako sa guard. Asawa? Ako? “Ay, hindi po. Kaibigan po niya ako.”

“Eh, anak niyo po siya?” Turo niya kay Iliad.

“Opo.”

“Anak po siya ni Prosec, ‘di ba? Nakita ko po kasi sa cellphone niya. Profile pic po niya ang picture nilang dalawa,” aniya.

Alanganing ngumiti na lang ako. Hindi ko rin kasi alam paano ipaliliwanag ang sitwasyon naming magkakaibigan. Napakamot na lang sa ulo si Manong Guard at hindi na nag-usisa pa. Tumawag na siya sa telepono.

“Ma’am, ano pong pangalan ninyo?” Baling sa akin noong guard.

“Lhesly Gonzales po.”

Nagpasalamat siya at ibinalik ang atensyon sa kausap sa telepono.

Pinagmasdan ko ang paligid. Mangilan-ngilan na lang ang mga tao na nandito. Tapos naman na kasi talaga ang working hours kaya ganito.

“Ma’am, okay na po. Paiwan na lang po ng ID ninyo.”

“Ah, okay po.” Kinuha ko muna sa bag ang ID ko bago tumayo.

“Sasalubungin po kayo ng secretary ni Prosec,” aniya sabay abot ng temporary ID para makapasok ako sa loob.

“Maraming salamat po,” ani ko at lumakad na.

Pagkapasok ay hindi ko na alam kung saan ako pupunta. Ang alam ko nasa fifth floor ang office ni Dust kaya tumapat na lang ako sa elevator. Saktong pagbukas noon ay may babaeng naka-pencil cut na skirt, high heels, fitted blouse na babae.

“Miss Lhesly?” Paniniyak niya.

Oh. Baka ito ang secretary ni Dust. Based pa lang sa clothes, e. “Hello. Ako po iyon.”

“Good evening, Miss. Halika na po kayo.” Umatras siya para makapasok ako sa elevator.

“Thank you.” The elevator closed. Pinindot niya ang button 5.

“Kailangan niyo po ba ng tulong?”

Napansin niya yata na medyo nahihirapan ako sa pagkarga sa anak. Umiling ako. “Hindi. Okay lang po. Thank you.”

Tumango ang secretary. Mukha siyang strict. Mas strict pa siya sa akin tignan. Para siyang Professor na makita lang ang mali sa iyo ay pagagalitan ka. Ang bongga naman ng secretary ni Dust. Heto yata iyong kinukwento niya na parang robot kasi sobrang efficient daw sa work.

Pinaupo na muna niya ako sa waiting area sa fifth floor.

“Nasa meeting na po si Prosec, Miss. Patapos na rin naman po iyon kaya kung okay lang po sa inyo ay iwan ko muna kayo rito para ibigay rin itong dokumento? Pinapasabi rin po ni Prosec na sasabay na raw po siyang umuwi sa inyo.”

“Wala pong problema. Ayos na kami rito.”

“Gusto niyo po ba ng kape or any drinks?”

“Thank you,” iling ko na lang.

Tinanguan niya ako at pumasok na sa opisina ni Dustin. Inayos ko naman ang pagkakahiga ni Iliad sa akin. Mukhang pagod na pagod ang bata. Nakatulog na sa byahe. Nag-phone na lang muna ako habang hinihintay si Dust.

After twenty minutes siguro ay bumukas na ang pinasukan nung secretary kanina. Akala ko si Dustin na ang lumabas. It turned out na si… Wait? Atty. Andrew Buenaflor?

Mukhang natigilan din siya nang makita ako. “Hey,” aniya pagkalapit sa akin. Nakatingin siya kay Iliad.

“Hello, Atty Buenaflor. Dela Rama case?” Tantiya kong tanong. So, siya ang counsel?

Tumango siya. “You’re going to wait for Prosec Consuegra?”

“O-oo.”

Bahagya siyang ngumiti at biglang nag-squat sa harap ko. Nagulat ako. Marahan niyang hinaplos ang ulo ni Iliad.

“Will you believe me if I tell you that your son looks a carbon copy of my elder brother?” He looked at me with that intensity in his eyes.

Napaawang ang labi ko. “W-what?”

Ilang segundo siyang nakatitig sa akin at bigla na lang ngumiti, iyong ngiting pilit? “Uh, no. Nevermind. Your son just reminds me of my brother.”

Tumayo na siya. He pocketed his hands. “If I only knew you would be here, I already brought my gift to Iliad. Well, there is still next time. See you soon, Lhesly, right?”

I was left dumbfounded. What was that?

The following weeks made us busy. Halos hindi ko na makita ang mga kaibigan ko kahit sa iisang bahay lang naman kami nakatira, except Josh na nandoon na sa bahay nila. Hans took the exam. Waiting na lang ng result. While Dustin became busy with the case. Once a week na lang siyang makauwi. Kung hindi dahil inaawitan siya lagi ni Iliad ng bonding ay sa condo sa Q.C. na sana siya mag-stay.

March came. Birthday celebration ng mommy ni Dustin. Invited kami. Noong una ay wala na akong balak dumalo kasi for sure puro politician na naman ang makakasalamuha namin. Nang malaman yata ni Mommy Myrene na hindi ako dadalo ay pinuntahan ako rito at pinagalitan.

“You must attend the party, Lhesly Pearl! I invited many bachelors para may makilala ka. I also invited single ladies I knew! My goodness! Kayong magkakaibigan ang papatay talaga sa akin.” She fanned herself parang stress na sa amin.

Nagtaas ng kamay si Josh. Binalingan siya ni Mommy My. “I just got married, Mommy My. Am I still included in your stressor list?”

Pinigilan ko ang matawa. Hans and Dustin smirked. Si Iliad naman ay kumakain ng popcorn habang nagd-drawing ng bahay niya raw paglaki niya.

“Oh, you’re not anymore, Joshie. These people here,” turo niya sa aming tatlo. Mas lalong na-stress si Mommy My. “Just attend the wedding, Lhesly. I will leave you be kapag nagpakasal na rin kayo.”

“Mom, I’m busy. I don’t have time for marriage.”

“Mommy My, wala pa po sa plano ko magpakasal. Unahin na po muna ninyo si Lhes.”

Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Hans. “Mommy, okay na po ako kay Iliad. Palalakihin ko na lang siya. I’m good being alone.”

“What?” Mas lalo ko yatang pinainit ulo ni Mommy My. Pumasok siya sa kusina at si Mina naman ang kinausap. Dinig na dinig namin na stress siya sa amin.

Napailing na lang ako. Saka na. Kapag nahanap ko na ang tatay ni Iliad. Hanggang nasa poder ko siya ay hindi ako mag-aasawa.

In the end, we attended the party. The boys were wearing tuxedo. Matchy-matchy sila. Kami naman ni Mina ay fitted long gown na parehong champagne ang color. Mommy My gave the gowns to us. Pinatahi niya talaga para sa amin.

The party started. Halos politicians ang mga nandito. Though mga kamag-anak pa rin naman ni Dustin at ilang malalapit na kaibigan nila ang nandito. Nakaupo kami sa table na katabi ng parents niya. Si Mommy My yata ay ibinabalandra kami sa lahat. Hahanapan daw talaga niya kami ng asawa.

May cultural performance na nagaganap sa mini stage. Nakatuon ang pansin ng mga tao roon. Even Iliad na nakaupo sa kandungan ni Daddy Fred, Daddy ni Dustin.

I looked at my friends. Dustin was bored but still watching. Josh and Mina were smiling and talking to each other. Hans naman ay busy sa phone. Sinilip ko ang phone niya. May ka-text siya.

“Uy, sino iyan?”

Bigla niyang pinatay ang ilaw ng screen. Ay, iba. May tinatago si Hans. “Mind your own business, bro.”

“Wow. Defensive?” Tanong ko sa kaniya.

Natawa ako nang bigla siyang napainom ng tubig. I had been suspecting na may kalandian na talaga itong si Hans. Hindi pa lang siya nagsasabi.

Hindi ko na muna siya aasarin. Bukas na lang. Wala ko sa mood ngayon dahil sa party. I guessed hindi talaga ako extroverted na tao.

Nagsimula na ang kainan. Pwede na rin magsayawan at makipag-tsika tsika around. Nagkaniya-kaniyang business ang mga tao. Tumambay na lang ako sa desert area para hindi mapakilala sa kung sino-sino. Mahilig pa man din si Mommy My na ipakilala kami sa mga kakilala niya.

I just inspected kung may chocolate. Wala naman. So, safe si Iliad sa food. Kasama pa rin siya ni Mommy My.

“You’ve been staring at the strawberry cake for too long now, Miss Lhesly.”

Muntik nang tumalon ang puso ko sa gulat. Napatingala ako sa nagsalita. Tingala talaga kasi ang lapit niya sa akin at ang tangkad pa niya.

Napaatras ako. “Uh, iniisip ko kung kakainin ko o hindi, e.”

“Why? You don’t like strawberry?”

Inilingan ko siya. “Hindi naman. Ang ganda lang kasi ng design. Parang ang sarap titigan.”

Binaling ko ulit sa kaniya ang tingin matapos ituro ang strawberry. Nakatitig siya sa akin. May dumi ba ako sa mukha?

“Uhm, hello?” Kinawayan ko siya.

Saka lang siguro siya natauhan. So, nakatulala lang siya kanina?

“Can we talk?” Bigla niyang sambit.

Napaturo ako sa sarili. “Ako?” Bakit kami mag-uusap ni Atty. Buenaflor? Wala naman kaming pag-uusapan. Hindi kami close, hello?

“Yes. I just wanna ask something important.?

“Sure ka na ako kakausapin mo? About ba ito sa case na hawak ni Dust. I’m sorry but-”

“It’s not about that,” he cut me off.

Napamaang ako sa kaniya. “Bakit mo ako kakausapin then?”

Iniwas niya ang tingin sa akin. Parang may gusto siyang sabihin na pero hindi pa niya masabi. “About Iliad-“

“Teka. Kay Iliad?” Naalarma ako. “What about my son?”

Bigla siyang napatingin sa paligid namin. Then, walang ano-ano ay hinatak na niya ako palabas ng hall. Nasa pasilyo na kami ngayon ng hotel. Walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa hanggang sa pumasok at lumabas kami ng elevator. Tumapat kami sa pang-apat napinto mula sa elevator. Nakita ko na nilabas niya ang key card at bumukas ang pinto.

“Please come in,” aniya.

Tahimik na pumasok ako. I knew hindi ako dapat sumama sa kaniya kasi hindi ko naman siya kilala nang lubusan, but I had my phone with me. Mabilis naman akong mate-trace ng mga kaibigan ko just in case.

Hinintay ko siya bago siya sumenyas na umupo sa sofa. I sat down at hindi siya nilubayan na ng tingin. “What about my son?”

Tinitigan niya muna ako nang matagal bago siya may nilabas sa wallet niya. Inabot niya sa akin iyon.

Picture?

“Anong gagawin ko riyan?”

Iniumang pa rin niya ang picture. “Kindly look for yourself.”

Tinitigan ko rin muna siya bago ko kunin sa kaniya ang larawan. Larawan ng bata na kamukhang-kamukha ni Iliad. O si Iliad ito?

“That’s my brother Symon.”

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Tapos bumalik muli sa picture.

“Huh?” Hindi ko ma-process ang dapat ma-process ng utak ko. Kung kapatid niya itong nasa picture, bakit kamukha ni Iliad?

“Did you have the same question I did back when I first saw your son? How come he looked so much like my brother when he was a kid?”

Natulala ako sa picture. “A-anong ibig sabihin nito?”

May inilapag siyang envelope sa center table. Napatingin naman ako sa kaniya. Itinuro niya ang envelope. Binaba ko ang picture at kinuha ang envelope. Hard brown envelope na may lamang dalawang papel sa loob.

De Lima Medical and Diagnostic Clinic.

Iyon ang unang basa ko. Napakunot ang noo ko.

“DNA Test?”

Tumango siya.

Biglang binundol ng kung ano ang puso ko. Tinignan ko ang dulong bahagi kung nasaan ang result.

Subjects A and B are 99% matched.

Ang sumunod na papel ay DNA Test pa rin. Subjects A and C are not matched.

“A is Iliad. B is my brother. C is you.”

Napaawang ang mga labi ko. “Pina-DNA Test mo kami?”

“I’m sorry. It’s against the law, I know. But I am desperate to know how in the world my brother looked so much like your son, which turned out to be not your son.”

Napatayo ako. “This is violations against the law, Atty. Buenaflor.”

Huminga siya nang malalim. “I know. I am at fault for that. But please hear me out.”

Napaupo ako ulit. Binasa muli ang result ng dalawang papel.

“How come he is legally yours when he’s not biologically yours to begin with?” Marahan niyang tanong.

Napatulala ako. Heto na ba ang kasagutan sa matagal na naming gustong malaman? Kung sino ang tatay ni Iliad?

“Atty. Buenaflor, does this mean na anak ng kapatid mo si Iliad?” Gusto kong makatiyak. I knew mula sa results ang sagot but hearing it from someone might help me absorb the shock I just got.

“Biologically speaking, yes. He’s my brother’s son. He’s my nephew.”

“Nasaan na ang kapatid mo kung ganoon? Bakit iniwan ni Ayessa ang anak niya sa school na pinagtatrabahuhan ko?”

“Ayessa?” Kunot-noong tanong niya.

Huminga ako nang malalim at sinimulang i-kwento kung paano napunta sa akin si Iliad. Hindi makapaniwala ang tingin na ibinigay niya sa akin.

“Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin namin nakikita si Ayessa,” imporma ko. “So, nasaan na ang tunay na tatay ni Iliad?”

“My brother died six years ago.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.

“You said Ayessa’s last call was January? My brother died a month before that. He told me he would have a child. After that, he got into accident.”

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin? Kung ganoon, pareho ng wala ang tunay na mga magulang ni Iliad? Kaya ba ipinangalan sa akin ni Ayessa ang anak nila? Alam niya ba ang mangyayari sa kaniya?

“The prosecution ruled the accident as simple car crash. But it was not.”

Tumayo siya at naglakad patungo sa glass door. Nakasunod ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

“It was not a mere accident. If what you told me was the truth, then both my brother and Ayessa lost their lives six years ago. I would rule out that Ayessa named the child after you so that there would be no trace of her connection with my brother.”

Napatayo ako. “A-anong ibig mong sabihin? Bakit itatago ni Ayessa ang anak nya?”

“People were after them. To keep their son safe, they had used you. In that manner, no one would suspect that Iliad is a Buenaflor.”

Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan. Ibig bang sabihin murder ang nangyari sa kanilang dalawa? Sa car crash ang isa, ang isa naman ay missing? Sino ang gusting magpapatay sa kanila. Wala ng magulang si Ayessa. Batay sa kwento niya ay pinapaaral lang siya ng foundation na dating pinagtatrabahuhan ng parents niya.

“Bakit?” Namutawi sa bibig ko.

Nilingon niya ako. “I am currently and secretly investigating my brother’s case. I knew something was off. I just had to pick the pieces and arrange them together.”

Napaupo ako. Ibig din bang sabihin nito ay mapupunta sa kaniya si Iliad? Siya ang biologically relative ng anak ko? No. Lhesly. Technically, anak mo si Iliad. Sa iyo nakapangalan ang bata.

“Can you please tell me more about this Ayessa? She’s the missing piece in this game. Probably her family had something to do with their demise.”

Napailing ako. “Wala ng parents si Ayessa.”

“Are you quite sure with that?” Tantiya niyang tanong.

Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Sigurado nga ba ako? Hindi palakwento about sa pamilya niya si Ayessa kaya limited lang ang alam ko.

Umupo muli si Atty. Buenaflor. “Lhesly, uh. Is it okay if I call you by your name?”

Napatitig ako sa kaniya. “Oo naman.”

“Great. So, Lhesly, will you cooperate with me finding the truth behind Iliad’s parents?”

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot. Oo naman. Gusto ko malaman ang nangyri lalo na kay Ayessa. Pero, kapag natapos ang lahat ng ito, mawawala ba sa akin si Iliad?

Mukhang nabasa niya ang tumatakbo sa isipan ko. “Iliad is still yours. I do not plan on getting him from your care. I know he’s been taken care of. I just wanted to uncover the truth years ago. I need your help for that.”

Napatango ako. “Wala naming problema. Pwede bang sabihin ko rin ito sa mga kaibigan ko. They’ll be thrilled to know that lliad is your nephew.”

“Sure.”

Walang nagsasalita sa aming tatlo nina Dustin at Hans habang pauwi kami ng Bulacan. Nasa likod ako ng sasakyan habang buhat si Iliad na tulog na. Si Dustin ang nagmamaneho ngayon habang nasa shotgun seat si Hans.

Nagkausap-usap na kami kanina. Tinawagan ko sila para mapaliwanag ang binanggit ni Atty. Buenaflor. We were overwhelmed with the fact lalo na at pinakitaan kami ng legal documents.

“Shall we do the DNA test again?” Basag ni Hans sa katahimikan.

Napatingin ako sa kaniya. “Hindi ka ba naniniwala?”

I saw from the rearview mirror na napakagat siya sa labi niya.

“Hindi sa hindi ako naniniwala but to make sure, you know?”

“Andrew will not lie about this,” ani Dustin. “He’s not gonna waste his time do the DNA testing and run a background check on us.”

“Yeah. May point,” tango ni Hans. Nahulog na naman siya sa malalim na pag-iisip.

Patuloy lang ang buhay namin ng mga sumunod na araw. Busy na ulit. Hindi na namin gaanong nakasasama si Josh. Bukod sa busy siya sa hospital, kasama na rin niya si Mina. Minsan if maluwag ang sched nila ay sa bahay sila tumutuloy para ma-bond pa rin si Iliad.

Napatingin ako sa anak na busy maglaro ng lego toys niya. Nagsasalita pa siya na parang may kausap. Kakabahan sana ako kung hindi ko lang alam na ganiyan nasiya eversince. Okay lang naman na raw iyon sabi ni Josh. Normal sa bata lalo na at genius si Iliad. Careful kami sa kaniya. Mabilis siya sa mga pag-intindi ng mga bagay.

Natigilan ako sa paggawa ng papel sa laptop nang tumunog ang doorbell. May bisita ba ako na dapat asahan?

“I’ll open the gate, nanay. Stay ka na lang po riyan,” mabilis na sabi ni Iliad na agad tumayo at sumenyas sa akin na siya na. Natawa ako lalo na noong patakbo siyang lumabas ng pinto at dumiretso sa gate.

“Oh. Good afternoon po, Attorney.”

“Hi, big boy. Do you remember me?’

Napatayo ako nang maulinigan ang pag-uusap sa labas. Nanlaki ang mga mata nang makita kung sino ang kausap ni Iliad.

“Atty. Buenaflor!” Bulalas ko. Lumabas ako ng bahay at nilapitan sila. Si Iliad ay nakatingala pa rin kay Atty. Buenaflor. Hindi niya pa binubuksan ang gate.

“Anong ginagawa mo rito?” Tanong ko pagkalapit.

Nakangiting iniangat niya ang mga bitbit na paperbag. Napakunot ang noo ko.

“Casual visit?” Nakangiwi na niyang sagot noong hindi pa naming binubuksan ang gate. Nakasilip lang kami sa pagitan ng mga bakal.

“Nanay, are you going to let him in?” Hila ni Iliad sa shirt ko.

Bigla akong natauhan at agad binuksan ang gate. “Naku. Pasensya na, Atty. Nabigla ako. Tuloy ka.”

Pumasok siya at saka nagsalita. “You can just call me Andrew. I am not inside a courtroom, so the title seems flamboyant.”

“Oh, okay po, Andrew?” Nakangiwi ko ring tugon habang ginigiya siya paloob ng bahay.

Si Iliad ang nag-assist sa kaniya sa sala.

“You can sit over there, Atty. I’m sorry for my legos. I’ll keep them now.”

“It’s okay, Iliad. By the way, can you just call me Tito Andrew?”

“Huh? But you are an attorney?”

“I am. But I’d appreciate more if you just address me casually.”

“Oh. All right.”

Napangiti ako sa conversation nila. English-ero talaga si Iliad. Mana sa pamilya ng tatay.

Kinuha ko ang mga paperbag na iniabot ni Atty. Buenaflor, uh. Andrew pala. Para raw kay Iliad. For sure ako tatanungin siya ni Iliad kung bakit siya niregaluhan lalo na at hindi naman na niya birthday.

“He’s quite loquacious, isn’t he?” Puna niya habang inihahatid ko siya sa gate.

“Sabi mo pa. Madaldal siya eversince natuto siyang magsalita.”

Huminto siya sa paglalakad at hinarap ako. “Can you please tell me more about him? What does he like? How is he in school? And the likes?”

Huminto rin ako ng lakad at tiningala ang tingin sa kaniya. Bakit ba ang tangkad nito?

“Two years ago, habang nasa pre-kindergarten si Iliad ay na-assess siyang genius. Kaya ngayon na dapat ay kinder pa lang siya ay naging Grade 2 na. Accelerated ang pag-iisip niya. Madali rin siyang matuto ng lengguwahe. Alam mo bang kaya niyang magsalita rin ng Spanish at French?” Napangiti ako nang maalala ang gulat naming magkakaibigan nang magsalita si Iliad ng Spanish noong five years old siya. Isang beses pa lang siyang nakapanood ng Spanish documentary noon na courtesy of Hans pero natuto agad siya. Nanood lang din siya ng Les Miserables at ilang Opera shows and voila marunong na siyang mag-French.

“Really?” Nakangiti niyang tanong. “He’s just like my brother then?”

“Genius din ang brother mo?”

Tumango siya. “I’d been thinking for a while, if it is okay with you, can we transfer Iliad to International School Manila? He’ll be surely taken care of.”

“Actually, Dustin has been planning to transfer him sa ISM. Tinatapos na lang ang school year ngayon and currently finding ako ng available item para makalipat near his school.”

“You’re really hands on with him,” aniya.

Nginitian ko siya. “Yeah.”

“Thank you for taking care of him. I can see how much you love my nephew. Please be at ease that I am not going to get him away from you. Let me just be part of his life by visiting him and such.”

“Walang problema, Atty-“

“Andrew,” putol niya.

“Syrelle?” Nabiro ko. Ganda kasi ng first name niya, e.

Napakunot ang noo niya. “You knew my first name?”

Tumango ako. “You are famous online kaya.”

Tumango rin siya. “Not bad hearing it from you. Well, see you around, Lhesly?”

I just smiled at him. Something bothered my heart. Parang hindi ko mapaliwanag.

That night ay kinausap ko sina Dustin and Hans. They were hesitant to trust Syrelle at first. Hindi sanay na malamang may blood relationship si Iliad sa mga Buenaflor.

“Like I’ve told you, Andrew’s nice. Somehow his family is also nice. But we never know behind the façade they’re showing. They are into politics. I knew they are hiding some skeletons in their closet,” Dustin said.

“Okay lang na sa ISM si Iliad. But paano if wala pang available item near his school. Paano? Saka baka mas mapalapit siya sa family niya. Though hindi naman masama. However, basing from Dustin’s word, that family might be just a façade,” ani Hans.

Hindi ko na alam ang iisipin pa. Sumabay pa na ang daming events sa school na pinapasukan ko and sa school ni Iliad. Noong Family Day ay kumpleto kaming magkakaibigan plus Mina and si Syrelle, yes. Syrelle or Sy ang tawag ko sa kaniya. I love making names. Ako nag-nickname kay Haniel ng Hans. Si Josh ay Gabriel or Gab sa labas. Josh ang tawag ng close friends niya sa kaniya. Now, dumagdag si Syrelle, so wala siyang ibang choice.

Maingay ang paligid. Nagkakasiyahan ang mga bata. Naglalaro ngayon ng relay ang parents and kids. Si Dustin na ang sumalang dahil katatapos lang nina Josh at Hans.

“Have you ever missed an event like this?”

“Huh?”

Tiningala ko si Syrelle na katabi ko na pala sa kinauupuan. Bakit kahit nakaupo kami ay mas matangkad pa rin siya sa akin?

Bahagya siyang yumuko at inulit ang tanong. “Have you ever missed Iliad’s events at school?”

“Uh,” umiling ako. “No. Never. I skipped whatever I had to do when it’s Iliad’s events. As much as possible gusto ko na parte ako ng kaniyang paglaki.”

“Iliad is so lucky to have you. Thank you for loving him.”

Napatingin ako sa kaniya. “Walang anuman. It’s my responsibility na rin eversince.”

Hindi na siya nagsalita at nanood na ulit ng game. Nauuna na ang grupo nina Iliad at Dustin. We were cheering for them.

Nakailang laro pa bago natapos ang program. Ngiting-ngiti si Iliad habang karga ni Hans pabalik sa pwesto namin. Nagtatawanan silang magtatatay.

Tumunog ang cellphone ni Sy, Sy na talaga itatawag ko sa kaniya. Mukhang urgent kasi bigla na lang siyang nagpaalam. Sinulyapan na lang niya si Iliad at saka tumango sa akin.

Sinundan ko siya ng tingin. Siguro kung sa kaniya lumaki si Iliad ay close na close siya. Feeling ko sabik siya sa pamangkin niya.

Nang mga sumunod na araw ay busy ulit. Patapos na ang klase kaya ngarag na rin sa school. Mabuti at nakapag-publish na kami ng diyaryo, napasa na sa Region kaya wala na akong problema. Distribution na lang nito ang kailangan sa end ng school year.

Hindi na ulit kami nagkita-kita na naman ng mga kaibigan ko. Busy na ulit sa kaniya-kaniyang field. Hindi na nakauuwi si Dustin kasi nag-iingat na siya lalo na at malaki ang case na hawak niya sa ngayon. Si Hans ay busy na nang bongga. Pasado siya sa exam kaya na-assign-an agad siya ng school na ima-manage. Si Josh ay busy sa buhay may-asawa at siyempre sa hospital. From time to time siya ang bumibisita kay Iliad kasi magkalapit lang naman kami ng bahay.

Si Syrelle ay hindi na rin muna nagparamdam maliban na lang sa panayang pagbibigay niya ng gifts kay Iliad. Alam kong curious na ang anak ko kung bakit lagi siyang may regalo mula sa tito niya. Nahuli ko siya minsang nakatitig sa akin na parang may gustong itanong kaso hindi niya itinutuloy. One time ay hindi siya nakatiis. Nagtanong na siya.

“Nanay, is Tito Syrelle your suitor?”

Nabilaukan ako nang itanong niya iyon. Nakakunot ang noo. Salubong ang mga kilay. Para siyang may in-interrogate. Mana na talaga kay Dustin sa kaseyosohan sa buhay ang anak ko.

“No, anak.”

“Why does he always shower me with gifts? He gifts me every week. Is that normal? Even daddy, tatay, and papa do not give me gifts that often,” nakalabi na niyag turan.

Nginitian ko lang si Iliad. Curious talaga ang batang ito, e. Ang daming tanong.

Hindi naman na siya nag-usisa kaya hinayaan ko na lang. Tuloy sa normal na daloy ang buhay namin. Panaka-naka ay napapanood ko sa TV sina Dustin at Syrelle na nagsimula na sa trial. Mukhang open trial ang nangyayari kasi buong Pilipinas yata ang nakatutok.

Famous influencer at dating artista ang suspect. Parricide ang kaso kasi ayon sa balita ay pinatay niya ang asawa niya na anak ng pamilyang nabibilang sa 1%. Ang ironic lang kasi iyong wife ay ni-re-represent ni Syrelle. Base sa balita ay kamag-anak ng mother side niya iyong victim. Kaya mas lalong sumikat ang case. Involved ang anak ng president.

I was watching the ambush interview kay Syrelle nang makatanggap ako ng tawag mula sa school ni Iliad. Kinabahan ako bigla. Hindi pa naman nila uwian. At never akong nakatanggap ng tawag mula sa school niya nang ganitong alanganing oras.

“Yes po?” Sagot ko sa tawag.

“Is this the mother of Iliad Odysseus Gonzales?”

“This is she. Bakit po?”

“Huwag kayong mabibigla, Mommy, pero nasa Grace po kami ngayon. Naaksidente si Iliad sa may parking area. Currently nasa Emergency room. Wala pa kaming balita kasi kararating lang naman dito. Please be calm. Hihintayin po namin kayo sa labas.”

Para akong nawalan ng hangin. Napakurap-kurap ako at na-blanko bigla ang isip. Nabitiwan ang phone at kinalma ang sarili. Hindi ako pwedeng mag-panic. Nang feeling ko ay kaya ko na mag-drive ay agad akong tumayo at nagpaalam sa head. Hindi ko na nahintay ang locator slip at tumakbo na ako sa parking.

Tumutulo ang luha na bumiyahe ako pa-Grace. Ilang minuto pa bago ako makarating doon kaya grabe ang panalangin ko habang nasa daan. Pilit kinakalma ko ang sarili. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin talaga kapag may nangyaring masama sa anak ko.

Mahaba ang mga segundong lumilipas. Feeling ko sobrang bagal ng oras. Hindi ko na alam kung nasaan ako basta dire-diretso ako sa pagd-drive. Hindi ko na alintana ang ilang overtake at muntik nang pagbangga sa mga kasalubong na sasakyan. Bahala na.

Nang makarating ako sa hospital ay saka ko nalaman ang nangyari.

“Nasa parking area si Iliad habang naglalaro sila ng mga kaklase. Recess naman nila kaya ko muna sila maglaro. Ngayon, hindi namin alam kung bakit may isang sasakyan na bigla na lang humarurot ng takbo. Nabangga si Iliad na hindi agad nakaiwas, Mommy. Sa ngayon po ay hinahagilap na ng security ng school ang sasakyan. Hindi rin namin kilala ang sakay niyon.”

Hindi ako makapagsalita nang kausapin ako ng adviser. Walang rumerehistro sa utak ko maliban na lang sa kaalamang nabangga ng sasakyan si Iliad.

Agad akong napatayo nang ma lumapit sa aming doctor.

“Sino po ang guardian ni Iliad Gonzales?”

“Ako po, ‘dok,” naiiyak kong sagot.

“Misis, kailangan ng dagliang operasyon ng inyong anak. May fracture sa ribs at natamaan ang ilang organs niya. Iyong impact ng pagbagsak niya ay malala kaya namuo ang dugo. Nalapatan na ng paunang lunas ngunit hindi sasapat. Kailangan po siyang operahan. May lalapit na nurse sa inyo habang inihahanda namin ang OR para papirmahan ang consent. Gagawin namin ang aming makakaya para maging okay ang inyong anak.”

Bigla para akong matutumba. Mabuti at nahawakan ako ng adviser ni Iliad. Ooperahan? Ibig sabihin malala nga ang lagay niya?

Pinirmahan ko na agad ang consent kasi pakiramdam ko ay anytime now mawawalan na ako ng malay. Tuloy-tuloy ang luha ko habang nasa labas ng waiting area. Kasama ko pa rin ang adviser ni Iliad na nagsabing sasamahan niya muna ako habang hinihintay namin ang resulta ng operasyon.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto na ang lumipas. Wala na akong pakialam sa paligid ko. Hindi ko alam if kasama ko pa ba ang adviser ng anak ko o umalis na siya. Napaangat na lang ako ng tingin nang may tumapat sa harap ko at nagsalita.

“Everything’s gonna be fine, Lhesly. Iliad will be fine.”

Parang um-stop ang pagtulo ng luha ko. Nakita kong nakatayo sa harap ko si Syrelle.

Magulo ang buhok niya. Para siyang tumakbo. Mukha ring pinapakalma niya ang paghinga. Napahikbi ako at tumayo para yumakap sa kaniya. I cried my hearts out. Hindi ko napigilang humagulgol sa sobrang kaba para kay Iliad. Feeling ko guguho ang mundo anytime now.

“Everything will be fine. Let us hope for that.”

Insights – Not Anymore

“I don’t need you anymore. I don’t want to see your face anymore. Oh, come on! Do not pretend that you don’t know.

Where were you when I needed someone to comfort me? Where were you when I wanted to hug someone because I got a medal in school? Where were you when I was seeking the care of a mother who’ll surely provide everything I lack? Where were you when I needed you the most, Ma? Tell me! Because all those times I needed someone to be with me, you weren’t there. You knew what happened, Ma? I became stronger. I tried to become stronger. I tried to regain my strength by thinking that there’s no one who’d help me nor lend a hand to a child like me who was left behind by his own mother.

Ma! Did you know what hurt me the most right now? The fact that you knocked on my door and asked me to listen to what you were about to say! Why did you comeback? Why were you here! I didn’t need a mother anymore. I grew up alone and I could now stand on my own feet. Why? Why, Ma? You were already dead to me. I had forgotten you a long time ago. How I wished you were dead instead of giving me pain. Please, Ma. Don’t bother me anymore!

These were the words I had given to the person who abandoned me during my childhood nights, to the person who let me felt anxiety in every day of my life, and to that person who gave me nothing but scars which were already etched in my already soulless heart. How could a person neglect a child, a mere child who knew nothing but to seek for comfort and love? I was neglected.

After that unfortunate meeting with her, I lived my life like I had used to do; a life without a mother. Who needed a mother in this generation, anyway? Yes, they were the ones who brought us in this vast land, but the goodness in their inner selves were a show-off. You could only see it at first but would sudden decline afterwards. Look at me. I was a product of a motherless youth. I experienced so many difficulties and hindrances that there were times I almost gave up because no one’s supporting me in my every battle. It was because, I was a motherless child.

But I grew up as a normal person. Good friends come on my way. They guided me to be the person I was right now. I didn’t need a mother anymore. I garnered medals and awards through my own hard work. Look at that. Can you see that? I had trophies, certificates, and everything. Did you contribute something, mother? None at all, none at all.

“Be thankful to yourself, Arturo. Be thankful to your friends. You got what you wanted. You are successful enough! See that? You don’t need a mother anymore. What is a mother, by the way?”

Did I still need a mother? Of course not. Not anymore.

But one day, a letter came in my mail box. ‘To Arturo’ was written in the brown sealed-envelope. Curiosity was killing me so I did not think twice but tear the cover.

‘Arturo, come home. Your mother passed away.’

W-what? Wait… did I read it right? …mother passed away. I never thought those words would break my already scarred heart. What did it say?

I should be happy, right? She’s dead! This was what I wished for. But… why do I feel this? My heart… it’s like breaking to pieces. W-why? Should I go to her funeral?

“Arturo, you don’t have a mother, right? What is a mother, Arturo? Why would you go? Just stay.”

“No, Arturo, go home and say goodbye to your unkind mother. She’s not worth the tears anymore.”

I went there. I saw a wooden rectangle coffin covered with flowers. Wait. Was she there? Was she really there? I should be happy. I should be really happy. I had no mother anymore. Wait. Did I have one? But, Ma. What happened? Why were you there? Why did you have a pale skin? I saw you last week with colors in your face but what happened? Ma, I don’t know what to feel. Should I long for you? Should I really shed these tears for you? Ma, are you worth my tears? You’re not a mother to me. You were never one. But why do I feel this? My heart’s breaking. It’s… really breaking.

Ma, please stop the pain. Not anymore.

---

Written as a declamation piece in 2018.

Insights – I Did, You Could

College is an integral part of a person’s life — not for all but to some who aspired to be one of the most sought bachelors and bachelorettes in town. It is not easy as one thought it to be. It is hard if one tried to be a happy-go-lucky with the flow. Because college is not a typical studying-hard-then-you-will-pass stage; it is your stepping stone to reality. It is the place where you would meet different kind of people and befriend those you think would be your friend for a lifetime.

When I was a graduating high school student, I didn’t think of having a degree in college. All I wanted ever since was to be a teacher, not realizing that a degree was needed to be one. When I had learned that thing, I said to myself, ‘I want to graduate college’. At first, I was thinking of PNU (Philippine Normal University) because it was the only school I knew which handled education majors. But it was too far from my home. I had not have any alone-travels outside the province (If I was not mistaken, Sta. Maria was my farthest destination before — alone) so I chose to inquire at the schools nearer our place.

Together with two friends, we went to a school in Lagro (only one trip from home). One of the staffs entertained us and toured us around the campus. The facilities were good but I had this intuition that I would never afford the tuition. Even though it was written in their flyers that at only half a thousand (I think) you’d be automatically enrolled, I faltered. Even my friends told me to inquire to another school. I thought, as of now, that it was a very good decision not to easily accept and believe what people were saying through written forms. You needed to observe it yourself. If I had continued in that school, I wouldn’t be writing something like this.

Days passed and only three months before our awaited day, two of my friends again asked me to inquire at a certain school which was much nearer than the former I had visited. First impression? It’s cool but small. Only had three buildings and one of those looked like haunted because of the plain paint it’s having. We only walked for a minute from the main gate and reached the office of administration and was entertained that we would be having an entrance examination with fee. I asked for the tuition and they said that it was dependent on the course we’d be taking. I asked my parents about it and got their approval. Second month came, I was one of the first batch examinees.

After waiting for a month or two, I saw my name listed in the course I had chosen. That moment was euphoric. I couldn’t help smiling. Many of my batch mates, actually many joked that that school was our second high school because from every corner you turned, you’d see a familiar face, enrolled in the same school. Some were even my classmates.

And so, college life started the moment I entered the school grounds and the continuation of my long aspiration. I enjoyed it very much because of that so-called crushes. Who graduated high school without having an inspiration? In short, crush? No one, I presumed. Every high schooler girl had their own fair share of crushes and even boyfriends. Hey, high school got it all! For them, yes, but not for me. I had the so-called inspiration but even up to this day (Hay, life) I was not courageous enough to face and tell him ‘Hey, I got a crush on you!’ (Actually, my friend and I planned that but failed to do so for some unexpected reasons). And so, I just studied and had fun.

My freshman year was so fast and fun. I experienced hanging on a tricycle in order to go home with my friends. We were 11 in a group we created during enrolment. I would never forget how we came up with a name. We were just sitting in a pavement – na mukhang palaboy pero mapagmahal na nilalang – and looking, laughing and making fun of the faces we were seeing. That moment, the name of our group was created. We recruited members, of course. And the rest was history. My first year in college was full of happiness, with a little bit of heartache, a percent of kilig, and many more. Like I have said, we experienced hanging in a ‘trike. We didn’t want to go home incomplete so we tried to fit ourselves in just one tricycle (I was deeply sorry for the drivers whose trikes we rode – na-flat-an po ‘ata namin kayo).

In the middle of the year, two of my friends and I started walking from Starmall to the school every morning. We dedicated thirty minutes of our precious time to walking which we thought as an exercise. So, I was healthy at the end. Sometimes, when there was a truck passing by, we would wave our hands and politely ask for a free ride – I also hung in a truck… It was really fun! Wind blowing in your face and hair freely flowing like those in goddesses’ hair, it was euphoric.

I experienced so many firsts in the beginning of my tertiary education – first time hanging, first time playing in a playground, first time crying over a see-saw, first time having baliw friends, first time doing stupid things with our classmates, first time laughing all day and not worrying about tomorrow — my first year was plain yet fantastic.

I thought that happiness didn’t have an ending – I was wrong though. On my sophomore year, two in our peer group, including me, were transferred to the other section. I cried, literally. We didn’t know them. How could we study with the people we were barely acquainted with? The thing that I had known with them was that they were bullies. I hated bullies — they are vexations to the spirit. But what could we do? Maybe, everything happened for a reason. And so it really was.

We started our sophomore year thinking that at the end of the semester we would be back to our own set of friends but things happened and we decided to stay. I enjoyed being in their company. I felt no competition but fun at all. It was a sudden turn around. – first impression didn’t really last in some occasions.

We enjoyed so we stayed. One of our friends in our former group transferred section, so we became three. Just like the other year, we formed a group. This group were walking out to Starmall every dismissal time. When doing that, we were waving ‘Hi, Kuya! Hello, ate! Ingat po sa pag-uwi!’ to those students in the ‘trike. Some would ignore us but there were some who would playfully wave back at us. Then, we’d just giggle like there’s no tomorrow.

Years passed like a whirlwind. I just found myself already struggling to finish the tasks given by the instructors. I found college a struggle since I needed to have a grade worthy of an award. I wasn’t an honor student but I had this goal that before I finished college, I had to have at least a medal – Dean’s Lister would be enough since I had no chance of having a Latin honors.

The first semester of my last year was not that totally good nor bad at all – smooth was the right term. I needed to act a professional chit since I was already facing the reality of my chosen career. I needed to accomplish things such as; being a good mentee to my mentor, being a good friend to my friends, being someone who would be looked up to by the next generation. I wanted to achieve those. That’s why, I needed to finish college.

Last term, pressure filled my being. Thesis, projects, final exams, and application for employment completed the term. I was anxious. What if I was not prepared? What if I would not be hired? What if I could not control the pressure? What if… so many what ifs. I had asked myself several times if college really prepared me for the future. I looked back to all the learnings I acquired in the past years. Would that be enough? But reality during my internship sneaked up to me, saying ‘Reality versus Expectation: What would you choose?’ which slapped me hard. I, therefore concluded, that college taught us the ideals, the things one must have and act, but the opposite of what’s really happening in the system.

I asked myself again: Was I ready to face reality? With closed eyes, I roamed around the city and passed my application requirements. I thought, I was ready enough to face the real-score of my fantasy. My friends and I would try to be what our school had taught us to be: be independent and strive for high ideals, that the school’s vision would now be our mission, that we should lead the next generation, that everything we learned especially the values would be treasured and imparted to the society. College, according to our hymn, prepared us for the life’s journey for the service of God and society. So be it.

My journey as a student was somehow passive in terms of academic. I didn’t try hard to be known. I was contented with my friends and the fun things we’re doing. It was enough to keep me going. Therefore, for me, college was not boring. It was full of blast and spiced up by the crazy things we tended to do. It was a mixture of dreaming and playing, a mixture of something good for keeping and something worth remembering. It was not easy to pass the difficulties inside the campus but with your friends, you could do everything. With that, college became an integral part of my life.

I enjoyed it so much that I wanted to tell the stories I and my friends created to those people who thought college was a difficult stage of lives. It’s not, my friends. If I had enjoyed it, why would you not? Yes. It’s really a stepping stone for a better career but then again not for all but for some. Remember, everything should be treated mind over matter. You could do everything if you put pressure on it. Everything really happened for a reason and everything was possible.

Enjoy your college years. Mind you, when you go out of it and face the life-long journey, you’ll be wishing that you were still a student. It happened to me – a lot of times actually. But, hey. I am a life-long learner so I need not to worry. College is cool. Enjoy every bit of it while it lasts.

***

Was written years ago. Lots of inconsistencies in writing for it was that year when everything was confusing. Still, not bad to reminisce how write up differs from before to now.

Insights – Acceptance Will Finally Make Us Human, Too

“Oh, boy. What are you? A boy or… err a… you know?”

People always ask for my identity. Like, duh? Why are they asking for that? I am a boy, for God’s sake! Can you see I have a physical attribute of a boy? Well, of course not. I am not what you think of me to be. I am one of those who live in a body opposite to what they really are.

Can you see those around you? Look around, people! What’s happening to the world? Why is that we’re still not totally accepted in the society? I understand your concern about this matter but will you please understand us, too? We are also human. We are also part of this society. We are also breathing the same air you breathe. We are like you. We are normal like you. So why deprive us the acceptance we need in this world? Do you know what we need? Your acceptance. The world’s acceptance.

I am a product of an unfair world. I have no mother at all. I grow up alone. But, look at me. I am here in front of so many people watching me, a youth of this generation, asking for a chance to showcase my talent. I am like this because I grow up like this. I am one of those who are trying to seek for the just and fair world. What do we need? This world’s knowledge that we truly exist in this vast land. We are also human.

One time in my life, I have experienced inequality. Oh, wait, it is not just one time! But this experience cannot just be forgotten. I was humiliated. I was disappointed. I was neglected. No mother, no father, no friends, none at all. People see me as a joke. Look at me. Look at my complexion. Look at my face. Look how I act! These? These what make me different from other teenagers. I am not normal, they say. How cruel can they get? Just because I don’t act as they expect me to be? Just because I don’t act like what a man should be? Why? Why? How unfair is that? Is it my fault that I act this way? Is it my fault I was born this way? Is it my fault I am like this?

You are asking me to be like them? To be cool and follow the trends? I am a millennial product! What can I do? I cannot act like you. Should I be punished? Should I be condemned? Should I be reprimanded? Or should I be… excluded from your prying sights?

I need you to accept me. I need you to see me for who I am. I need not your commentary about my preference in life. I need you to accept me because I am like you: eating the same food, drinking the same water, breathing the same air, and walking the same land. I need the nod and approval of the people like you to share the same thoughts you are having with us. Let us be part of your world. Let the people like me be part of your world. Let us share the dreams, millennials like us, are dreaming. Let us make a peaceful world. Let us be open-minded to the things happening right now. You are asking for equality. You are asking for a fair and just system. You want to be acknowledged by many. So why not accept us? Why not give the same privilege you are having?

I am a youth of this generation. Help us be known. Help us voice out that we are also existing. The likes of me need your acceptance. The likes of you need to accept us. Give us a chance to prove that we can also help empowering our economy. We can do things you can do. We can be the top of our class if you want. Just let us feel that we are also loved. We are also valued. We are also accepted. The contempt in your eyes when you look at us gives us the chill and anxiety making it a hindrance to perform our task better than anyone. Accept us. Accept us wholeheartedly. Accept for who we are.

God only made a man and a woman. We know that fact. But we are changing. Our world is changing. What can we do? We are born this way. What do we need to finally show to you that we are also part of the society? Please show us how to be good for our country. Please show us the way to be true. We need you to accept us. Because your acceptance will finally make us human, too.

---

Written as a declamation piece in 2018.

KISMET, The Baseline

“Iliad, don’t run!”

Napapailing na sinundan ko ng tingin ang anak na tumatakbo papunta sa daddy niya.

“How old is he again?” Tanong ng kausap kong kaibigan.

“Five years old na.”

“Ooh. Ang laki na pala talaga niya. Parang kailan lang.”

“Where’s Iliad?” Lapit ni Dustin sa akin. Ininguso ko lang si Iliad na nakikipagharutan na kay Josh. He sat beside me at siya na ang kumausap sa kaibigan namin.

Josh is having his bachelor’s party. Supposedly, sila lang na boys. Pero dahil narinig ni Iliad ang usapan na may party-party, iniyakan ang daddy Josh niya na dapat kasama siya. Josh, being mapagbigay at spoiler sa baby boy, ayun pinagbigyan. Ang stag party sana ay naging party na lang na wholesome. May mga batang kasama. Anak-anak ng mga katrabaho nila at kaibigan namin.

“Si Hans?” Tanong ko kay Dustin. Hindi ko nakita ang isa pa naming kaibigan. Lagi na lang nawawala iyon. Minsan nag-aalala na ako sa kaniya kasi hindi siya mahilig mag-share ng problems niya.

“Outside. Talking on his phone.”

“Okay.”

Nag-excuse ako sa kanila at nilapitan ang iba pa naming friends na kararating lang. Closed party lang ito with kids and fam kaya madali lang umikot. Being the self-proclaimed organizer, I roamed around at nangumusta sa mga kakilala.

“Napaka-wholesome naman ng party ni Josh. Takot sa games?” Tawa ng isa naming friend.

“You know naman Iliad. Masyadong spoiled sa daddy kaya ganiyan,” sagot ko naman.

“Ang cute-cute ng baby mo. Talagang spoiled sa mga tatay.”

“Ay naku. Sinabi mo pa,” tawa ko rin.

Spoiled talaga si Iliad. Mula nang makuha ko siya ay kasama ko na iyong tatlong bugok sa pag-aalaga sa kaniya. Kapag may sakit siya ay salitan kami sa pag-aalaga. Sobrang alaga siya ng tatlo. Minsan kapag nasa malayo ako for seminar, sina Josh at Dustin ang nagsasama sa kaniya. Si Hans kasi ay kasama-sama ko rin sa seminar since same kami ng field.

“Nanay!”

Napapailing na lang ako noong tumatakbo-takbo na naman si Iliad. Nakita ko na tuwang-tuwa si Josh. Mukhang may pinapagawa na naman ang bugok sa anak ko.

“Nanay! Nanay!”

I squatted at sinalubong ng yakap ang takbo niya. Humahagikgik na yumakap siya sa leeg ko.

“What did your daddy tell you to do, baby boy?”

Ramdam ko ang pag-iling-iling niya sa leeg ko. “Nothing, nanay. Just wanna eat. Want chocolate. I saw from Tito Mig’s phone a fountain of chocolate.”

Hinarap ko ang maliit niyang mukha. “Chocolate? You knew what happens whenever you eat chocolates, right?”

Sinimangot ni Iliad ang mukha. Matindi kasi ang allergic reation niya sa chocolate. Hindi siya pwedeng kumain kahit tumikim. First time na accidentally napakain namin siya ay isang buwan siyang nasa hospital. Ilang buwan pa lang siyang nasa akin noon. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin during that time. Nagsabay-sabay ang law school, school paperworks, at school newspaper na halos hindi na ako natutulog. Nagkasakit din ako habang nasa hospital si Iliad kaya I decided to stop law schooling.

“But I want to taste it, nanay. Even just a bit?” Mahinang tanong niya. Naka-cross finger pa siya. Sino na naman nagturo sa kaniya ng sign na ito?

“You want to stay in a hospital again?” Magaan kong tanong. Tinatantiya ang tingin niya kasi baka bigla na namang umiyak.

Ngumuso lang siya. Namilog ang mga bibig at gusto pa sanang magsalita kaso hindi na siya nagsalita.

“What’s wrong with my big boy?”

Napalingon kami kay Hans na nakalapit na sa amin.

“Papa.” Nagpakarga si Iliad kay Hans. Nakanguso pa rin ang bata na yumakap sa papa niya.

I mouthed chocolate kaya tumango si Hans. Naintindihan naman na ng kaibigan ang ibig kong sabihin kaya siya na ang kumausap kay Iliad.

Ako naman ay bumalik sa pag-estima sa mga bisita ni Josh.

Nang matapos ang party ay kaniya-kaniya na ng uwian ang mga bisita. Kami naman ay naghahanda na rin na umuwi. Si Dustin na ang may karga kay Iliad na tulog na tulog na. Si Josh na ang nakipag-usap sa event coor at kami naman ay lumabas na para hintayin si Hans na may dala ng sasakyan.

“Do you know Jizelle Sanders, Lhes?” Tanong ni Hans pagkasakay ko sa passenger’s seat.

“Huh?” Ni-re-recall ko ang name pero hindi ko maalala. Pamilyar but not sure.

“Who?” Tanong ni Dustin na nakasakay na sa likod. Karga pa rin niya si Iliad na tulog na tulog pa rin.

“Jizelle Sanders,” lingon ni Hans. “You knew her?”

“Yeah. Met her last time during her Villaclaros’ case. Why?”

Oh. Lawyer? Hindi ko kilala na for sure. Hindi namin siya kaklase before. Batch siguro namin? Iba lang ng school?

“She’s dead.”

“What?” Dustin exclaimed.

Napatingin ako kay Hans. “Was she big?”

“Apparently, yes.” Tinuro niya ang phone na nasa phone case ng car at kung saan naka-open ang article about Jizelle Sander’s death.

“It’s expected,” Dustin said. “She had been on fire eversince Villacarlos’ case. She’d been receiving death threats. She also handled the President’s nephew’s case.”

Kinuha ko ang phone ni Hans at binasa ang article. Car accident ang sanhi ng pagkamatay ni Prosecutor Jizelle Sanders. Last case na handle niya ay Buenaflor vs Caspellian. Buenaflor was related to the current president of the country. Siya ang ni-represent ni Prosec Jizelle. She won the case but she lost her life. Topnotcher pala siya. Sa kabilang school siya kabilang.

Bigla akong kinabahan para sa kaibigan. Nilingon ko si Dustin. “Ano ulit kasong hawak mo, Dust?”

Napakunot ang noo niya. “Why?”

“Just worried,” pag-amin ko. Dustin’s onto criminal cases these past three years na nagp-practice na siya ng law.

Nginitian niya ako. “I’m gonna be fine, Lhes. Don’t worry about me.”

“So, what’s your case nga?”

“Dela Rama.”

“Oh.” That’s big. Nasa news ang Dela Rama case. Dela Rama was known in the field of Medicine. Parricide case rin ito. Apparently, the wife was suspected of killing her husband who’s a Dela Rama. Dahil sobrang ma-impluwensya ang family, nalaman ng media. Gusto ko sana siyang tanungin if it’s safe to handle the case but I knew that no case was small. Lahat ay big deal. I didn’t finish law school, but I knew the gist about cases. Malaki at maimpluwensiya ang pamilyang kalaban niya.

“He’ll be fine. Huwag kang mag-alala kay Dustin. Big man na iyan,” sabi ni Hans.

“Who’s the big man?” Tanong ng kapapasok lang na si Josh.

“Nosy,” sita ni Dustin.

“Hey.”

“Bakit ang tagal mo, Josh?” Tanong ko kasi natagalan pala talaga siya.

“Talked to Mina,” nakangisi niyang sagot habang tinataas ang cellphone.

“Fucking smitten,” Dustin snickered.

“Jealous?” Asar ni Josh.

Mahinang nag-asaran sa likod ang dalawa. Nagkatinginan na lang kami ni Hans at parehong napailing.

“These kids,” komento ni Hans na pinaandar na ang sasakyan.

“Wow. Makapagsalita. Tanda na iyan?” Asar ko naman.

“At least I am matured-thinking unlike those two rabbits at the back.”

Natawa ako. “Ang sama mo.”

“What? I am telling the truth.”

“Ewan ko sa ‘yo.”

Josh, Dustin, and Hans were my bestfriends. Nakilala ko sila wayback college. Hindi kami pare-pareho ng course except Hans and I at hindi rin same level. Sa Anime Club kami nagkakila-kilala. Josh and Dustin were childhood bestfriends though. Same sila ng year. Fourth year college na sila that time, third year si Hans, ako naman ay first year. Hindi ko alam paano nabuo ang friendship namin but anime brought us together kaya ayan. Stuck na kaming apat sa isa’t isa.

Josh was getting married in five days. Mabuti naman at magpapakasal na siya. Ewan ko ba sa tatlong ‘to. Mukhang sinumpa nila sa isa’t isa na dapat ako muna ang unang ikakasal. Kailangan daw nilang i-make sure na okay na muna ako bago sila. I knew that was sweet pero bothered ako kasi kasiyahan nila ang at stake. Grabe kaya pagkausap ko kay Josh. Kasi alam kong gusto na niyang magpakasal pero ako talaga ang iniisip niya.

Mina, his bride-to-be, told me na Josh was just waiting for me to settle down before he did his own. Hindi naman daw sinabi sa kaniya iyon ni Josh but she knew how these boys loved me raw. Alam ko naman iyon kaya nga hangga’t maaari ay ayokong pabigat sa kanila. Iliad and I could live comfortable because of their constant care and love. But they must think of their own, too. Minsan nga naiisip ko ng lumagay sa tahimik but wala naman akong mahanap. So, I better focused myself with Iliad.

Dumating ang kasal ni Josh. Everyone was excited lalo na ang bata. We were part of the entourage. Dustin’s the bestman. Hans was one of the groomsmen. I was part of the bridesmaid. Iliad, our kid, was the ring bearer.

“You looked so gorgeous, Mina!” I exclaimed nang makita ang ayos ng bride. Grabe. Ang ganda-ganda talaga niya. Mas maganda pa siya ngayon kaysa noong nanalo siya sa isang international pageant.

“Thank you!” She beamed.

Nakipag-beso ako sa kaniya at inalalayan siya sa pagbaba sa sasakyan. Inayos naming bridesmaid ang trail ng kaniyang wedding gown habang nilalagay ng maid of honor ang kaniyang belo.

Nilapitan na kami ng organizer para alamin kung handa na ba ang bride. Nang mag-okay sign si Mina ay pinapila na kami. Kinawayan ko si Iliad na ang gwapo-gwapo sa suot na tuxedo habang hawak ang lagayan ng singsing. Ngiting-ngiti ang anak ko. Proud na proud na lalakad siya sa aisle.

“Nanay, I’m hungry.”

Napayuko ako kay Iliad na hinahaltak ang kamay ko. Busy pa sa picture-taking ang mga bisita sa labas ng pavilion kung saan gaganapin ang reception.

“I’m hungry po,” nakanguso niyang sabi. Pinapadyak na niya nang mahina ang paa sa lupa. Gawain niya iyan kapag nagugutom siya.

Napangiti ako at umupo oara pantayan siya. “Gutom na ba ang baby namin na iyan?”

“Nanay,” nakasimangot niyang saad. Pinipilit niya kasing hindi na siya baby kapag sinasabi naming baby pa siya.

“Okay, big boy,” tawa ko.

Pinadyak na naman niya ang paa, senyales na gutom na talaga siya. Napailing na lang ako. “Okay. Let’s find something to eat.”

Tatayo na sana ako nang lumambitin ang bata sa leeg ko. “Want karga.”

“Ay. I thought you are a big boy na?” Magulo talaga isip ng bata’ng ito. Gusto big boy na siya pero ang akto ay bata pa talaga.

“Tired, Nanay. Iliad’s hungry. Iliad’s tired.”

Natawa na naman ako. Talaga naman. Kapag inaabot talaga ng pagkainip ay ganito na ito.

“Okay.” Kinarga ko na siya. Medyo nahirapan pa ako kasi medyo may kalakihan na ang baby na ito. May kabigatan na rin.

“O. Bakit karga ni nanay ang big boy na iyan?” Tanong ni Hans nang makasalubong ko siya.

“Gutom na raw siya.” Ako na ang sumagot kasi nakasubsob na sa balikat ko ang batang makulit. Pagod na siguro sa kakulitan niya kanina pa.

“Hey, big boy. Let papa lift you up,” tapik niya sa karga ko.

Lumingon si Iliad sa kaniya. Nakanguso ng bata at saka lumipat ng karga kay Hans.

“Why are you lifting this big man? I thought big boy na?”

Napatingin kami kay Dustin na bagong dating.

“Gwapo naman,” puri ko. Sumimangot siya. Ayaw niya ng praises.

“Ako rin po gwapo,” singit ng bata na nakapulupot na ang kamay sa leeg ng papa niya.

“Ay, of course. Gwapo ang baby na iyan,” ani ko.

Sumimangot na naman ang bata at sumubsob na sa leeg ni Hans habang bumubulong-bulong na gutom na raw siya.

Nauna na si Hans pumunta sa may kitchen area. Naglakad din kami pasunod sa kanila kaso tinawag ng kakilala niya yata si Dustin. Lalagpasan ko na sana siya kaso sinama niya ako sa kung kanino man na tumatawag sa kaniya.

“Hoy, teka,” pigil ko.

“That’s my mother’s friend. Her daughter is being paired with me. I don’t like her. She’s good but I don’t deserve her. Cooperate please.”

Napaawang ang labi ko. Minsan talaga dumarating sa buhay ko na pinapakilala akong girlfriend ng mga bugok na ‘to. Last year, si Hans pinakilala akong girlfriend niya sa mga katrabaho para tigilan na lang daw siya sa karereto kung kanino. Josh din ganoon ang gawain before he met Mina. Ngayon, si Dustin ulit. Mahusay. Aakting na naman ako.

Inihanda ko na ang ngiti ko para isalubong sa kaibigan ng mommy niya nang matigila  na naman si Dustin kasi may tumawag sa pangalan niya.

“Atty. Buenaflor,” mukhang gulat na banggit niya sa tumawag.

Inatras ko ang katawan para masilip ang binati niya. There came a man in a tucked in light brown short sleeve polo na kasing-tangkad ni Dustin. Dustin’s six feet and two. So, matangkad din siya. Hanggang dibdib lang ako ni Dust, e. So, matangkad talaga siya. Anong tawag niya kanina? Atty. Buenaflor? Teka. Could he be?

Muntik ko nang matutop ang bibig sa gulat nang makilala ang kaharap na namin ngayon. He’s Andrew Buenaflor! Iyong crush na crush ko sa law school years ago.

“Prosecutor Consuegra.” Bati rin nito kay Dust.

“Fancy seeing you here. You knew the newlyweds?”

Lumingon-lingon si Atty. Buenaflor. “Yes. The bride’s a long-time friend. I guess you are on the side of the groom?”

Tumango si Dustin. “The groom’s our bestfriend. You just arrived?”

“Yeah. Got stuck in the midst of the traffic.” Sandali niya akong tinapunan ng tingin.

“Your girlfriend?” Saka sa kamay ni Dustin na nakahawak sa akin. Napangiti na ako. Heto na naman kami.

Dustin glanced at me at marahan akong hinatak para ipakilala kay Atty. Buenaflor.

“This is Lhesly, my girl friend,” may pause in between ng girl at friend. I didn’t know if naintindihan ng kaharap namin. “And the groom’s favorite person in the world.”

Tinitigan ako ni Atty. Buenaflor at parang something sparked on him na napa-ah siya.

“Mina’s been telling about this beloved girl friend of his groom. It’s Lhesly. Nice to see you.”

So, side siya ni Mina? Obviously. Friend? Kamag-anak? Mina’s Korean. So, may lahi si Atty. Buenaflor? Parang wala naman.

Ehe. Tanda mo pa information niya, Lhesly Pearl?

“Nice to see you, too, Atty. Did you know that you’re a legend in the law school?” Hindi ko mapigilang tanong.

Natawa si Dustin. “Really, Lhes?”

Mukha namang hindi nabigla si Atty. “I’m aware. But I don’t think I am a legend,” mahina rin niyang tawa.

Nangiti na lang ako. Sabay-sabay kaming napalingon nang tinawag kami ni Iliad.

“Nanay, Tatay, look, look,” tuwang-tuwang nagpakarga ang batang makulit kay Dustin. May hawak na siyang marshmallow pack.

Napatingin ako kay Hans. Bakit nagkaroon ng marshmallow sa kitchen. Kasama ba sa buffet iyon?

“Hey, big man,” yumuko si Dustin at kinarga ang bata.

“Tatay, look. It tastes so yummy. Papa said this is mallows. Why is it called mallows?”

Napaka-curious na bata nitong si Iliad. Hindi ko alam kung kanino nagmana. Parang ako na hindi ako, e.

Napatingin ako kay Atty na matamang nakatingin sa interaction ng mag-tatay. May something sa mata niya, like gulat? Huh? Bakit naman siya magugulat?

“Is he your son?” Mataman niyang tanong.

I was watching his reaction. Sabagay. Baka hindi lang niya alam na may anak na si Dustin.

“Yeah. Big man, look. Meet Atty. Buenaflor. Tatay’s friend.” Iniharap niya si Iliad kay Atty.

“Tatay’s friend? He’s an attorney, too, tatay?”

Mas lalong nag-register ng gulat ang mata niya. Napakunot ang noo ko.

“Yes. Hi, big man,” gaya niya sa tono ni Dustin. “What’s your name?”

“Hi po, Atty. My name is Iliad Odysseus Gonzales. I am five years old. It’s nice meeting you.” In-extend ni Iliad ang right hand niya para sa isang handshake.

Napangiti kami sa way ng pagbati ng bata. Si Josh ang nagturo riyan kung ano ang dapat niyang sabihin as greeting.

Natawa nang bahagya si Atty. Magsasalita pa sana siya kaso nagsenyas na ang organizer na mag-start na ang program. Tapos na siguro ang pictorial ng newlyweds.

The program started with a bang. Sobrang galing ng host. Lahat ng guests ay nag-participate sa preliminaries bago ang formal event.

Naiiyak ako habang nagsasalita si Dustin para kay Josh. Dama mo iyong lalim ng pagkakaibigan nila sa way ng pagsasalita ni Dust. Karga niya si Iliad na panay ang pa-cute sa daddy at mommy Mina niya. Yeah. Feeling close ang anak ko. Mommy niya na raw si Mina.

“You both knew we’re just here, right? Whatever the odds and happenings in life, your bestfriends together with this big man will support you all the way.”

“Yey!” Medyo rinig ang boses ni Iliad sa mic nang sabihin niya iyon.

Nagtawanan ang guests. I wiped the tears in my eyes. Finally, kasal na ang isa sa amin. Sa tinagal-tagal nila, sa kasalan din ang tuloy.

“Bro, I am happy for you. Finally, no more night outs?”

Nagtawanan na naman ang guests lalo na noong magsalita si Mina na. “Of course!” Tapos si Josh ng, “Yare.”

“Iliad has something to say. He’ll end my speech as per him.”

Natawa na naman ako. Bida-bida talaga si Iliad kahit kailan. Kasalanan lahat nina Josh at Hans. Sila pasimuno sa kakulitan ng bata.

“Daddy,” maliit na boses na pambungad niya. Inaalalayan ni Dust ang paghawak sa microphone.

“Yes, baby boy?” Tanong ng nakangiting si Josh.

“Nanay loves you. Papa loves you. Tatay loves you. I love you, too. You know it, right, daddy?” Nag-symbol ng fingerheart ang bata. Kitang-kita siya sa camera.

Nagpalakpakan at tawanan na naman ang guests. Grabe. Tumigil na tulo ng luha ko sa

saya para kay Josh, e. Natatawa na ako sa mag-tatay.

“I asked Nanay last week if you are still going to stay with us after you marry Mommy Mina. She said no. I was sad, daddy, because you are no longer staying with us. But I am happy because finally you have a family of your own. I know I must not be sad because I am sure that I am no longer your baby. Papa said you are making your own baby na raw po that’s why your attention will be divided.”

Tumutok ang cam kay Hans na nagtakip ng mukha. Inambaan siya ng suntok ni Josh. Tinampal ko naman ang braso niya. Aba. Kung ano-ano sinasabi kay Iliad.

“But, daddy, I am still happy because I am not gonna see you cry again. My heart broke when you cried when Mommy left you before.”

Nag-oooh sound ang mga audience. Binubuking ni Iliad ang lovestory ng dalawa!

“I did not cry, did I?” Nakatawang saad ni Josh.

“No, you did cry. You wet my shirt that day, daddy.”

Tawanan ulit ang lahat.

“I know I am still young but having a daddy like you, papa,” tinuro niya si Hans. “Tatay,” turo naman niya kay Dust. “And nanay,” tinuro niya ako. Napangiti ako. “I get to know more things. Especially daddy who always makes sure I get the best of everything.”

“That’s favoritism, big boy!” Singit ni Hans.

Lumingon ang bata. “No, papa. It’s noooot.”

“Huwag kang epal, Hans. Moment ko ‘to,” sabat naman ni Josh. Tawanan silang dalawa ni Mina.

“Well, tatay is murmuring that I am saying too much,” binulong niya iyong part na iyon sa mic. Napahagalpak ng tawa ang karamihan. Grabe! Isali ko na kaya sa kid shows itong batang ito? “So, I am gonna end this speech with the following words. Daddy, mommy, thank you for loving me. My job as your big boy ends once I already have a sibling from you. Papa said I should ask for another boy so that I can have a playmate. I like a boy. But I want a girl, too. Can I just have both at the same time?”

Hindi na yata napigilan ni Josh ang tawa at iyak. Lumapit na siya kay Iliad at kinarga ang big boy na iyan.

“I’m not yet done with my speech, daddy,” ungot ng bata.

“I love you, baby boy, you know that, right?” Si Josh na ang may hawak ng mic at karga na si Iliad. Tinabihan na siya ni Mina.

“This kid of mine has been the root of our love. Without him baka hindi ko nakilala ang asawa ko. I’ll just tell you this story…”

Napaiyak na naman ako. Josh’s lovestory was one of a kind. He did not expect Mina to be the one when they first met. Iliad happened to be the way to blossom their love together. Mas lalo silang tumatag noong si Iliad ang naging tulay nila sa isa’t isa. Ewan ko ba kasi sa batang iyan. Sobrang hyper and pabibo kaya lahat yata ng taong ma-meet niya ay gusto siya.

Natapos ang giving of speeches. Dinnertime na. Kukunin ko na sana si Iliad para ako na magpakain kaso naunahan na ako nina Mommy Daisy, mom ni Josh; at Mommy Myrene, mom ni Dustin, sa pagkuha sa kaniya.

Dustin returned to his seat. Magkatabi lang kami ng upuan. Sa tabi ko sa kabila naman ay si Hans. From my seat, kita ko ang mukha ni Atty. Buenaflor. Gosh, he looked so good. Mas lalo siyang gumwapo sa paningin ko. How many years na ba ang nakalipas? Six years? Refined na refined na iyong features niya. Grabe.

“Checking him out?”

Napatingin ako kay Dust.

“What?”

Tamad na tinignan niya ako. He even rolled his eyes.

“Grabe,” anas ko. “Ngayon ko na lang kaya siya nakita.”

“I was about to wipe your drool a while ago.”

Hinampas ko siya sa braso. “Ang sama mo. Support, o?”

“He’s nice. His family is okay, too. But they’re living in a very rigid life.”

Before, noong nasa law school, ay apo siya ng president. Ngayon, anak siya ng president. Sa susunod ba siya na president? But malabo. Hindi siya lumusong sa buhay politika. Siguro dahil sa nangyari sa kuya niya kaya hindi na siya pumasok sa politics?

“I just had a crush on him. Ang lawak ng imagination mo, a.”

He rolled his eyes again.

Natatawa ako. So overprotective. Kahit ayaw niya aminin, siya talaga ang pinaka-protective sa aming magkakaibigan. Para siyang superego. Ako at si Hans ay ego. Si Josh ang Id.

“What if may manligaw sa akin, Dust? O-okay ka?” Pilya kong tanong habang kumakain.

“Depends.” KJ. Napakaiksi ng sagot.

Nag-roll na rin ako ng eyes sa kaniya at nag-focus na sa pagkain. Wala talagang funny bone sa katawan ‘to.

“If someone courts you, again, then let’s see if he’s worth it,” aniya pagkakuwan.

Napalingon na naman ako sa kaniya. “Tsk.” Tinaasan ko na lang siya ng kilay. Bahala siya riyan sa buhay niya.

“Ayaw na naman kayo? Hobby mo bang awayin si Dustin?” Tanong ni Hans. Nilapag niya ang tubig sa tapat ko. Pinalitan niya iyong cold water ng warm lang.

“Mang-aaway si Dust. Masyadong paepal.”

“Talaga ba, Lhesly?”

Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Hans. Bakit hindi ako ang kampihan nito?

The buffet was delightful. Kita rin sa mukha ng mga guest na masarap ang food. Mabuti naman. It ended when the host asked us to look at the SDE of the wedding couple. Naiyak na naman ako. Sobrang happy ako for Josh. Finally.

“You know I am happy for you, right?” Yakap ko sa kaniya. “Please enjoy your honeymoon.”

Sunod kong niyakap si Mina. “Mina, please always make Josh the happiest man in the world.”

“Always will, Lhes.”

Tapos na ang reception. Didiretso na sa honeymoon nila ang mag-asawa. Picture taking na lang at okay na. Hindi naman na namin need mag-asikaso pa kasi ang event place coor na ang bahala.

“Dust, where’s Iliad?”

Tinuro ni Dustin si Iliad na nasa kumpulan ng mga bata. Nagtatawanan sila at mukhang nagba-ba-bye na ang iba pa sa kaniya.

“Iliad, let’s go?” Niyakag ko na ang anak para makauwi na rin kami.

“Okay po, nanay.” Ngiting-ngiti ang bata sa akin na humawak na sa kamay ko at nauna na maglakad palabas.

“Will you not say goodbye to daddy?”

“I already said bye-bye po to daddy before I go with the other kids, nanay.”

Napakunot ang noo ko. This kid. Kahit kailan talaga.

“Okay?” Ani ko. “Bakit sobrang happy mo?”

“Wala pooo,” nakangiti pa rin niyang turan. “Can we stop by the restroom po, nanay?”

“Naiihi ka?”

Tumango-tango siya.

“Okay. Let’s go.” Ako na ang humawak sa kamay niya at sinamahan na siya sa restroom. Gusto ko sana na sa women’s restroom na lang siya sumama para maasikaso ko. Kaso nagpumilit ang bata na sa men’s restroom siya.

Naghintay na lang ako sa labas. Ilang minuto ay napa-straight ako ng tayo nang makita si Atty. Buenaflor na karga si Iliad.

“Ano?” Napatakbo ako kaniya. Karga niya si Iliad na walang malay at mapula na ang mukha.

“I saw him scratching his face and neck. Then, he fainted. Must be allergy?”

“Oh, my God! Wait. Kumain ka ba ng chocolates?” Nag-panic na ang utak ko. Pulang-pula si Iliad.

“Let’s go to the hospital.”

Mabilis na tumakbo siya patungo sa parking. Naiiyak na sumunod ako. Hindi ko alintana ang heels na suot at patakbong sumunod sa kaniya.

Hinintay niya ako na makasakay sa passenger seat at pinakarga si Iliad. Nakakunot na ang noo ng anak ko, nakapikit ang mata niya pero nahihirapan siyang huminga. Puno na siya ng rashes.

“Kumain ka ba ng chocolates, anak?” Naiiyak kong turan. Hinagod-hagod ko ang likod niya. Nahihirapan na siyang huminga. Sumasakit ang puso ko kapag naririnig kong habol niya ang hininga.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. Malagkit. Nang ilapit ko iyon para maamoy ay tsokolate nga.

I hugged my son. Oh, my God. Hindi siya pwede sa tsokolate!

“Pwedeng bilisan natin?” Tumutulo ang luhang pakiusap ko kay Atty. Buenaflor.

Sandali niya kaming tinapunan ng tingin at pinasibad ang sasakyan. Panay ang tunog niya sa busina para malaman ng mga tao na may emergency.

“Is he allergic to something? Chocolates?”

“Oo. Hindi ko alam na nakakain siya. Kaya pala ngiting-ngiti siya kanina,” iyak ko.

“Iliad, baby. Wait lang. Papunta na tayo sa hospital. Nandito ang nanay.”

Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang haba ng lumipas na oras hanggang sa makarating kami sa pinakamalapit na hospital. May agad na nagbukas sa pinto ng sasakyan. Hindi pa napapatay ang makina ay lumabas na agad si Atty. Buenaflor at tumakbo sa side ko para kargahin si Iliad. Agad akong tumakbo pasunod sa kaniya. Pinagtitinginan kami ng mga nakasalubong namin. We were wearing formal attire. Mukha talaga kaming galing sa kasal. Tapos tumatakbo papunta sa ER.

May sumalubong na stretcher sa amin kung saan inilapag ni Atty. Buenaflor ang anak ko. Agad akong humawak sa gutter at tumulong na ipagulong iyon.

Hinarangan kami agad nang makapasok na siya sa loob ng ER. Tumutulo ang luha kong sinundan ng tingin ang anak. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin kapag may nangyaring masama kay Iliad.

Bigla akong napaupo at napaiyak. Tinakpan ko ng mga palad ang mukha. Nag-e-echo sa isip ko ang mukha niya habang nahihirapan huminga at pulang-pula na ang buong katawan. Paano na lang pala kung hindi siya agad nakita sa restroom? Paano kung naghintay pa ako ng ilang segundo sa labas? Hindi ko mamamalayan na na-allergy na pala siya? Wala pa man din akong dalang kahit na anong gamot sa bag dahil tiniyak namin sa mga bisita at coordinator na walang kahit anong chocolate ang makikita sa reception. Alam kong ganito ang mangyayari kapag nakatikim man lang siya ng chocolate. Paano na lang?

“Here. Drink this.”

Napaangat ako ng tingin mula sa pagkakaupo sa waiting area. Nakatulala na lang ako mula nang sabihin ng doctor na okay na si Iliad. Naagapan naman na raw. Mabuti at nasugod naming siya agad dito kasi kung ilang minute pa ang lumipas baka hindi na raw kinaya ng katawan ng bata.

Naiiyak na naman ako. Pinigilan ko ang paghikbi at kinuha ang inabot na cup ng kape ni Atty. Buenaflor.

“Thank you. Thank you po sa pagsama. Kung hindi mo nakita si Iliad sa restroom, baka nawala na siya sa akin,” pigil ang luhang pasalamat ko.

“Don’t mention it. I’m glad I was there, too.”

Tumabi siya ng upo sa akin. “Is your son allergic to chocolates?” Marahan niyang tanong.

I sipped on the cup at tumango. “Oo. Eversince noong baby siya ay matindi ang allergy niya sa chocolates.”

Hindi siya agad nag-react kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya. I saw him smirked after a while.

“My elder brother was allergic to chocolates, too. He couldn’t take even a small bite because he’d be out of breath.”

Napatango ako. “Lahi niyo?”

“I guess so. How about him? Is it in your genes, too?”

I opened my mouth to speak pero hindi ko naituloy kasi naalala ko na wala ng apala akong alam sa history ng birth parents ni Iliad. Ayessa was not allergic to anything. She liked chocolates and sweets. So, baka sa father ni Iliad nakuha ang allergy?

Tumingin ako sa kawalan at bumuntong-hininga. “Siguro?”

Feeling ko may balak pa siyang sabihin pero hindi na siya nagsalita at hinayaan na lang ako na uminom ng binigay niyang kape.

“Have you phoned your friends?” Pagkuwa’t tanong niya.

Napailing ako. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan na ang bag ko. Nandoon ang phone ko. Sa sobrang panic ko kanina ay hindi na ako nakakontak.

“Can I borrow your phone for a while? I will just call my friend.”

“It’s okay. I called them a while ago. They’re on their way.”

Napatango na lang ako at suminghot-singhot. Hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang mga luha

ko kasi sobrang takot ang naramdaman ko kanina. Hindi ko kakayanin kapag nawala sa akin si Iliad.

“Lhesly!”

Muli kong iniangat ang tingin ng makita sina Hans at Dustin na patakbong lumapit sa amin. Ibinaba ko ang hawak na cup sa tabi. Agad naman iyong kinuha ni Atty. kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya. Wala naman siyang reaction.

“What happened?” Lumuhod si Dustin para hawakan ako sa magkabilang-balikat.

Napaiyak na lang ako. Mukhang naalarma siya kaya inilipat niya ang tingin kay Atty.

“He’s okay. For now. Under observation.”

“Are you okay, Lhes?” Hinawakan ni Hans ang ulo ko at marahang hinaplos. Umiling ako habang panay pa rin ang tulo ng luha.

Narinig kong nagmura si Dustin nang makwento sa kaniya ni Atty. Buenaflor ang nangyari. Niyakap niya ako at binulungan na everything would be fine.

“Paano nagkaroon ng chocolate?” Anas ni Hans.

“Probably brought by the kids?”

“Well, it’s weird as it may seem but the invitation clearly stated na dapat walang chocolate.”

I could hear them exchanging opinions while Dustin hugged me until I calmed down. Nang feeling ko ay okay na ako ay kumalas ako ng yakap sa kaniya at tinignan sila habang nag-uusap.

“I hope you didn’t tell Josh about this. Mag-aalala lang iyon,” mahinang banggit ko.

“He’s on his way. Nagpalit lang si Mina pero nag-aalala na iyon kanina pa. Siya ang nakasagot ng tawag ni Atty. Buenaflor,” wika ni Hans.

Tumingin ako kay Atty. Buenaflor. “Atty. Thank you po ulit.”

Ngumiti lang siya at tumayo na. “I guess I’ll take my leave.”

Tumayo si Dustin at nakipagkamay kay Atty. “Thank you, Atty. Buenaflor. I owe you one.”

“Don’t mind it,” iling niya.

Nagpasalamat muli kami sa kaniya. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin at muling nagpasalamat sa isipan. If it weren’t for him, I would probably go insane.

SURREAL, A Dying Heart

MALAKAS ang ihip ng hangin pagkalabas namin ng kapilya. Napangiti ako nang mabilis pa sa alas-kwatro na hinawakan ng mga kasama ko ang mga palda nila. Ngali-ngaling sabihin ko na ‘I told you’. Sinabihan ko naman sila na Ber Months na at talagang mahangin dito sa Area H kaya huwag mag-balloon na palda. I was wearing a pencil skirt and white blouse. Hindi hassle ang hangin. My hair’s on a bun, too. So, everything’s perfect.

“Grabe naman!” Tawa ni Misha habang kumapit sa braso ko.

“Let’s go,” ‘aya ko sa kanila. “Hintayin natin sila sa tapat ng gate.”

“Wait lang, ate. Nag-CR pa sina Ara. Wait na lang muna natin here.”

Tumango ako at pumwesto sa tapat ng pinto ng kapilya. I looked around para sa iba pa naming mga kasama. Nagkahiwa-hiwalay na kasi kami kanina pagkapasok.

I was busy looking around nang tumama ang paningin ko sa isang pigura na palabas ng kapilya. My heart skipped its beat. For a moment, feeling ko huminto ang oras. My stomach was having its butterfly exhibition. I was seeing him – my long-time crush.

“Ate, si Ka Dwayne!” Misha excitedly pointed out the guy who went out after the one I was looking.

Hindi ako naka-react nang hilahin niya ako para salubungin ang dating nakadestinong Manggagawa sa aming lokal.

“Ka Dwayne. Magandang gabi po,” panabay naming banggit.

“Kayo pala, Misha at Ate Weya.”

Nagkumustahan lang kami. Bahagya kaming gumilid kasi may mga lumalabas pa. I held my breath again when I noticed that my crush and I were so close. Nasa gilid lang din siya. He was so near.

Napakunot ang noo ko when I noticed something in his eyes. Sadness? Longing? What happened? Last time I heard, he was about to get married to his long-time girlfriend.

My attention was gotten by Misha’s call. Panandaliang nawala sa isip ko ang napansin kanina. When I went home, I planned to search for his Facebook account, hoping to see something about his current whereabouts. Just when I realized, I didn’t have a Facebook. Nasapo ko ang noo. Great. I only had Telegram and GMail. How would I stalk him?

A week fleetingly passed. Exactly three months since I returned home. I would be abroad din naman after. This was just a long year vacation from work. Supposed to be, vacation around lang talaga. But got busy with things here. Saka na ako maglilibot kapag I was feeling good na rin.

Later that afternoon, nagyaya ang kapatid ko na mag-Sampol daw kami. She’s gonna buy things for the first day of class. Samahan ko raw siya.

We went around Sampol market. I was busy looking around the notebook section when my heart skipped its beat. Katapat ko kasi siya. May tinitignan siya sa kabilang side. I could see his face from where I was standing because we’re just face to face! I immediately averted my gaze and pretended to look for a notebook.

“Ilang notebooks ang kailangan mo?” He asked habang nakayuko. He’s with someone?

“Ten lang po, Tito. I want notebooks with design.”

He’s with a kid. Tito? Pamangkin niya siguro.

“Weya, look at this. Maganda ba?” Kinuha ng ate ko ang atensyon ko. Bahagyang sinulyapan ko na lang iyong katapat ko kanina na kumukuha na ng notebooks.

“For what is that?” I asked. From my peripheral vision, I was still eyeing him. He looked so gwapo. Mas na-define ang features ng mukha niya kaysa noong high school kami. But what made me pay attention was his eyes talaga. Something was definitely in his eyes.

The thought of his eyes’ sadness bothered me throughout the month. I saw him for a lot of times. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero nakikita ko talaga siya. Hindi lilipas ang isang linggo na hindi nagtagpo ang landas namin. Be it sa kapilya, sa market, at sa iba pang lugar sa siyudad. Tadhana ba na makita ko siya ulit? But the sadness in his eyes. That really bothered me. Hindi ko na rin nakikita ang girlfriend niya. Nasaan na si Sophia? Yes. I knew his girlfriend’s first name.

“Sachi Wayne?”

Namilog ang mga mata ko nang makita ang highschool bestfriend ko. “Maries?”

“Oh, my goodness! Sachi! I miss you!”

We greeted each other. Ang tagal din naming hindi nagkita. Last naming pagkikita ay college graduation. That was a decade ago pa. She went abroad right after grad. When she returned, I was about to go out naman.

“Our batch will have a reunion two months from now. It’s a three-day reunion party sa Pangasinan. Tell me you’ll be there. Please. Ang tagal mong walang paramdam sa amin. Everyone will be there. Oh! Mckenzie will be there, too!”

Mckenzie. My long-time crush. Maries was the only one who knew that I had a crush on him.

“Do you know any news about him?”

Inangat ko ang tingin mula sa kapeng iniinom. Umiling ako.

“Sabagay. Kailan ka lang ba bumalik? Three months ago, ano? Last year, dapat ikakasal na siya.”

I held my breath. Would I know now what happened to his eyes? Maries was here nga pala all throughout. Being the secretary of our highschool batch, I knew she was aware of many things.

“He was about to get married. Ready na ang lahat. Then, nagbakasyon lang sila sa Seattle, sa side ni Sophia, the bride. But, something happened. Sophia’s car was caught in between a traffic accident. It was really chaotic. She died on the spot.”

Natutop ko ang bibig. That explained the longing and sadness in his eyes!

“What?”

“Yeah. It was really gloomy. We went to the funeral. I talked to Mckenzie. He was almost depressed. Mabuti nga ngayon ay medyo okay na siya. He’s back to work. My husband said he’s still gloomy though.”

“You’re married?” Shocked kong tanong. I thought I missed a lot of things and I was never wrong. Mckenzie’s predicament may wait once I was ready to indulge myself in his world.

Maries held her left hand and showed her wedding ring. I beamed.

“Congratulations. Sino naman ang lucky boy?” When we separated our ways, wala pa siyang boyfriend.

“You knew him.”

“Eh?”

“Remember Jared?”

“Jared?” Napakunot ang noo ko. I was trying to recall his name when someone popped into my mind. “The lanky nerd na bestfriend ni Mckenzie?”

Napahalakhak si Maries. We used to call Jared lanky nerd kasi lanky talaga siya and had big brown eye glasses. He’s always with Mckenzie.

“No way.” Maries used to tease Jared a lot before. Ayaw na ayaw niya kay Jared noon. I laughed. Wow. Destiny’s doing?

“Yes way,” she giggled.

“When did you marry?”

I could ‘t believe that my highschool and college bestfriend got married to her mortal enemy. What a coincidence. Anyway, I believed love’s just like that.

When I went home, I searched for the accident Maries mentioned. It was exactly a year ago in a busy Seattle, Washington. There was a commotion and sudden shift of the front vehicles causing traffic jam and congestion. There was a CCTV footage that got leaked. It showed how a Mazda car became a sandwich in between two truck collision.

I closed my eyes when I felt dizziness. It felt like I was just there, witnessing the happening. I couldn’t imagine. I didn’t finish watching the footage. I looked for the news regarding that. Some words were blurry. I needed to blink more than once just for me to read the article. They were swaying before my eyes. Then I found the name Sophia.

“One of the casualties who died on the spot is a Filipina Pharmacist Sophia Lopez who was just on a vacation before her wedding.”

My dizziness became too much that I couldn’t finish the words. My goodness. I needed a checkup. From time to time, my head felt exploding.

The next day, I busied myself with the church duties. I became an ate once again. Bunso ako sa bahay kaya feel ko ang pagiging ate sa kapilya.

“Darating ba ang tagapagturo mamaya?”

Napaangat ako ng tingin mula sa inoopisinang papel. Nag-uusap iyong dalawang batang kalihim na mga Mang-aawit din.

“Sabi ni Ate Seng pupunta raw. Kasama niya rin yata ang anak niya. ‘Di ba, gwapo iyong si Kuya Mckenzie?”

Natigilan ako sa pagsusulat. Biglang natawa rin kasi I was thinking too much. Goodness. Hindi lang naman siya ang Mckenzie sa mundo.

“Ate Weya, ‘di ba po iyong friend mo na kasama mo rito na mag-in ay mang-aawit din?”

Napatingin na ako sa dalawang kalihim na nag-uusap nang kunin nila ang atensyon ko. They were pertaining to Croix, my bestfriend who accompanied me when I returned months ago. Isang buwan lang din siya naglagi rito because he’s needed abroad. Katulad ko rin siya ng religion.

“Yes po. Mang-aawit din siya.”

“Kailan po siya babalik dito?”

“Uh, that I don’t know.”

“Aw. Ang sad naman. Pero ang gwapo po ni Kuya Croix. Hindi po kayo?”

Natawa ako. Hindi kilala ng mga batang ito si Croix. Pareho kaming galing dito sa lokal. Magkababata kami. Nauna lang siyang nangibang-bansa. Hindi na siguro siya inabutan ng mga batang kalihim.

“Hindi po. Magkaibigan po kami.”

Nanunukso ang mga mata ng mga batang ito. Akala naman nila. Well, we were just really friends. We both didn’t want to end our friendship kaya malinaw sa amin na we didn’t romantically fancy each other. He knew I had this long-time crush. He’s into someone else, too.

Makalipas ang ilang sandali ay tumayo na ako para magpalagda sa mga natapos kong weekly. Nag-ikot ako sa maliit na compound ng lokal. Dahan-dahang natigil ako sa paglalakad nang makita ko na may makasasalubong ako. Heto na yata iyong tagapagturo.

“Magandang gabi po,” bati ko sa matandang babae. May katandaan na siya pero bakas pa rin ang sopistikadang tindig.

“Magandang gabi. Mang-aawit ka, hija? Ang ganda mo naman,” ngiting bati rin niya.

Napangiti ako. “Ay, salamat po. Kalihim po ako.”

“Ang ganda mo. May magandang kalihim pala kayo rito,” ankya na nakatingin sa bandang likod ko.

Napalingon ako sa tinignan niya. Si Tita Yada, Pangulong Mang-aawit ng aming lokal at mama ni Croix.

“Ay sinabi mo pa, Ka Judy. Maganda talaga iyang si Weya.”

Nangigiti na lang ako at nag-excuse na sa kanila. “Dito na po ako.”

Tinanguan ako ni Tiya Yada at ng Ka Judy. Naglakad na ako papunta sa unahan ng kapilya nang biglang huminto ang paligid ko kasi makakasalubong ko siya.

“Kuya Mckenzie, magandang gabi po!”

People here knew him?

“Magandang gabi,” bati rin niya.

Hindi ko alam kung didiretso ba ako sa labas para tignan sa shed kung nandoon ang mga hinahanap ko o liliko para sa kabilang side dumaan? He’s a meter away from me!

Ngumiti na lang ako at tumango sa kaniya. My heart was beating so fast. Heart, be still. “Good evening po.”

“Good evening din po,” ganting-bati niya. Lumiko na ako para bigyang-daan siya na dumiretso patungo sa kung saan dumaan si Ka Judy. Siya ba ang Mckenzie na tinutukoy ng mga bata kanina? So, mang-aawit pa rin pala siya?

Nawala ako sa huwisyo nang makita siya. Hindi ko na alam ang dapat gawin kaya napabalik na lang ako sa opisina. To my utter excitement and anxiety at the same time, minadali ko ang lakad ko. My heart kept on beating erratically. May sakit na naman ba ako sa puso? Kanina pa siya sa mabilis na pagtibok.

“Weya, halika muna. Papakilala kita.”

Natigilan ako sa mabilis na paglalakad nang tawagin ako ni Tita Yada.

“Po?” Atubiling lumapit ako sa kaniya.

Ngiting-ngiti sa akin si Ka Judy habang ang katabi niya ay mataman lang na nakamasid. I was so conscious the whole time.

“Bestfriend ni Croix ito, Ka Judy. Inaasar ko nga na sana sila na lang kasi mula pagkabata ay magkakilala na sila pero walang balak pa. Hay naku.”

“Si Croix? Iyong bunso mo? Aba. Hindi ko nakita ang batang iyon pa. Naku. Ganiyan din ang mga binata ko. Kuya lang nila ang nag-asawa. Itong si Mckenzie ay wala ng balak. Iyong bunso, maligalig at hindi mapirmi sa isang lugar.”

“Bata pa naman sila. Hayaan na munang ma-enjoy ang pagiging binata at dalaga.”

“Kaya nga.” Binalingan ako ng Ka Judy. “Ang ganda talaga ng batang ito. Sana anak na lang kita, hija.”

Napangiti lang ako. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot.

“Irereto ko na ito sa bunso mo. Magkasing-edad lang ba sila?”

“27 na iyon. Ilang taon na ba ikaw, Weya?”

“Uh, matanda po ako sa bunso niyo ng tatlong taon.” Bigla akong nahiya sa edad ko.

“O, e. Parehas pala kayo ng edad ni Mckenzie. Isang taon lang tanda sa iyo.”

Pareho kaming alanganing ngumiti. My heart felt troubled when I saw him smile which did not reach his eyes. He’s still into his girlfriend. Suddenly, my heart constricted. Parang biglang may pumilipit that I almost groaned in pain.

Napahawak ako kay Tita Yada at napaupo bigla.

“Weya!”

“Ay hala. Anong nangyayari?”

“Sumasakit ba ang puso mo? Sandali. Nasaan ang gamit mo. Pakuha nga ang bag ng Ate Weya ninyo.”

I closed my eyes and clutched my chest. The pain was increasing. I tried to catch my breath. Oh. Not again. I was almost laying down when someone hoisted me up and inalalayan sa pag-upo.

“Tatawag na ba ako ng ambulansya?”

“Lumayo kayo, mga kapatid. Bigyan ng hangin.”

“May medicine po ba siya?”

“Sandali. Naku. Sandali. Natataranta ako. Nasaan na ba ang gamot mo?”

I tightly held the one who hoisted me up. Hindi ko kaya ang sakit. It felt twisting. Somebody’s twisting my heart. I was crying until darkness engulfed my being.

The next thing I knew, I was at the hospital. May oxygen mask ako at may monitor na naman na nasa tabi ko.

“She just doesn’t listen, ate. Sinabi ko na huwag magpapapagod but matigas pa rin ang ulo.”

I glanced around to look for my bestfriend’s voice. I saw my ate doing something and in front of a phone. Ka-video call niya si Croix.

“These past few weeks ay nagsasabi nga siyang bigla-bigla na lang daw kumikirot ang puso niya. Side effects ba iyon?”

“Probably. Baka nati-trigger lang siya.”

“So, when is your flight?”

“I’m off to airport. I’m with Kuya Sev. He said he misses you.”

“‘Tse.”

I made a sound which made my sister looked at me. “She’s awake.”

“Oh, good.”

Ate went near me and showed me my bestfriend’s face.

“What happened to you, buddy?”

I tried to smile but the oxygen mask hindered me to do so. My heart felt fine so oxygen mask was not needed anymore. I gestured removing the mask. Ate understood and helped me out from it.

I talked to my friend for almost two hours before he boarded the plane.

“Xester’s going there, too, next week. He’s just finishing some things. He said to open your phone once your awake.”

I nodded. Xester’s my other bestfriend, too. We were altogether in Seattle when I was abroad.

My sister told me that I had a breakdown. My heart just slightly malfunctioned. I had a weak heart eversince I was a kid. That’s why Croix, my childhood bestfriend, made it his mission to always accompany me whenever possible. Then, we met Xester in Seattle five years ago. We became close since the latter and Croix had the same field of work. Just four months ago, I returned home to recuperate. A year ago, I got involved in a big accident that almost killed the hell out of me, sabi ni Croix. Hindi ko kasi maalala. I didn’t know I would survive. At least, I already imagined I was being entertained by white-clad people when suddenly my sister’s panicking voice echoed. That’s when I woke and left my friends abroad.

Kaunting observation pa raw ngayong araw, at kapag goods to go ang mga result ko, ay makalalabas na ako bukas. I really hated hospitals.

“Magandang hapon po, Ka Judy, Tita Yada.”

I opened my eyes when ate said the greeting. Someone’s here. My eyes inmediately met his. My heart skipped a beat. Here came the drumming sound. Again.

“M-magandang hapon po,” mahina kong usal. I cleared my throat.

Sinusundan ng mga mata ko ang bawat galaw ng mga bisita, particularly him. He put a basket of fruits sa table before he sat beside his mother. Why did he look so good in just plain white shirt and jogger pants?

What the hell, Weya? Sinita ko ang sarili. I should not think this way. I averted my attention to Tita Yada who sat on my bed, and Ka Judy who stood up and sat on the high chair where my sister was sitting a while ago.

“Kumusta ka na?”

“Okay na po ako. Lalabas na po ako bukas.” The results were out a minute ago. I was cleared but I needed to make sure that my maintenance vitamins would be taken regularly.

“Ay, mabuti naman,” nakahawak sa dibdib na bulalas ni Ka Judy.

Nagkwento sila kung ano nga ang nangyari nang kapusin na ako ng hininga sa kapilya. I was just aswering their questions but half of my attention was on him. He’s so near yet so far. Chaaar. Maharot na naman ako masyado. Baka sumabog na ang puso ko.

I was wondering what’s inside his head. He lost his fiancée a year ago. She’s been with him for a very long time. Hindi madaling makalimot sa ganoong pangyayari lalo na at tragic ang cause ng pagkamatay ni Sophia.

Long time ago, nang malaman kong may girlfriend na siya, umiyak talaga ako. Hindi ko akalain na darating ang araw na iyong ultimate crush ko ay may girlfriend na. I was devastated inside. I kept everything to myself though. Hindi ako nagk-kwento because I knew that our circle of friends were intertwined together. That secret was just for me. After knowing he’d a stable girlfriend for half a decade na rin, I decided to follow Croix to States and continue my profession. Now, I couldn’t imagine his emotion.

After weeks of recuperating, my sister allowed me to attend our reunion party in the condition I would call right away when I would feel something. Xester volunteered to fetch and bring me to Pangasinan. Maries wanted me to ride with them, but I couldn’t go if Xester’s not with me during the long drive. He’s been here for weeks na rin. May inaasikaso lang daw siya but he’s not spilling out. I knew I shouldn’t be curious because I understood the nature of his work. Minsan lang talaga nagtataka ako kung paano nagagawa ng mga kaibigan ko na maging totoo while in pretense. Ewan ko ba.

“Vitamins?”

“I’ll take it tomorrow morning after breakfast.”

“Monitor?”

I raised my left hand to show my monitor clock which was connected to my heartbeat. “Present?”

Xester looked at me intently as if contemplating whether to let me go or not. “Sama na lang kaya ako sa iyo?”

Kinunutan ko siya ng noo. “What?”

“Croix should have been with you, e.”

“I’m fine, Xes. I am. Okay?” Tinanggal ko na ang seatbelt at kinuha ang travel backpack ko sa likod ng sasakyan.

“But I am not convinced?”

I just laughed at him. He’s always worrying about me that I was also worried that he’s attention’s full on me. That shouldn’t be. He should get married, too. Well, ikakasal naman na talaga siya dati but things happened.

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend again, Xes?”

Sinamaan niya ako nang tingin habang inaalalayan akong bumaba ng sasakyan. Natawa na naman ako. He’s really something.

“Weya!”

I looked around and saw my highschool friends who were waving their hands at me.

“There are my friends. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me,” I smiled at Xes. Tumingkayad ako para gawaran siya ng halik sa cheeks. Hindi naman na siya umimik at ginulo na lang ang buhok ko.

I waved him goodbye and walked towards my estranged friends whom I hadn’t seen for a long time.

Medyo natigilan ako nang lumingon sa kasabay na naglalakad.

“H-hi,” I said. It was Mckenzie! He looked so good with his black shirt and khaki pants. Naka-rubber shoes lang din siya. He’s also wearing sunglasses.

Nilinga niya ako. “Good morning.” I didn’t know if he smiled but goodness! My heart skipped a beat once more.

“It’s been a long time grabe. Saan na kayo naka-base ngayon?” Ailyn asked habang naglalakad kaming tatlo patungo sa resort.

Kaniya-kaniya silang sagot. Ako ay tahimik lang na nakangiti sa kanila. Kulang pa kami ng isa. Maries was probably busy. Siya kasi ang organizer ng event. She texted me this morning that she’s been here since yesterday para mag-ayos.

“How ’bout you, Weyang? Ang tagal naming walang balita sa iyo. Maries shocked us nang sabihin niyang nakita ka nga raw niya last month.”

“Hindi ka man lang nagparamdam sa amin, bruha ka.”

Ailyn and Hershey were eyeing me. I smiled sweetly.

“Busy lang sa buhay?”

“Anong busy? Ilang buwan ka na nakabalik hindi ka man lang nag-message?” Ailyn softly slapped my arm.

Umabrisete ako sa kaniya at natawa. “Sorry na. Na-busy lang sa other things, you know?”

“Hay naku, Weya. Kahit kailan ka talaga, e.” Umabrisete rin sa akin si Hershey at sabay-sabay kaming pumasok sa tarangkahan ng resort.

“Sino iyong naghatid sa iyo kanina? Boyfriend mo?” Tanong ni Ailyn.

“Xester? Nope. Boy friend. Kaibigang lalaki.”

“Ang gwapo. Saan mo na-meet?” Aniya.

“Seattle. Kilala niyo si Croix, ‘di ba?”

“Dela Merced ng Genesis?”

“Uh-huh. Nakatrabaho niya. Naging close rin namin.”

“Be honest with us, Weya. Hindi talaga naging kayo ni Croix Dela Merced?” Asked Hershey.

Umiling ako. “No. Hindi. At hindi kailoanman, ano. Baka nag-away lang kami.”

“Pakilala mo ako kay Xester, Weyang. Baka sakaling magka-jowa na ako,” paibang usapan ni Ailyn.

Napatingin ako sa kaniya. “May boyfriend ka na, e? Sabi ni Maries?”

“Kaka-break lang nila kahapon,” sagot ni Hershey.

“Eh?” Napatanga ako. Grabe naman. “Long-time boyfriend mo?”

“What?” Nakatawa niyang tanong.

“One month pa lang sila,” si Hershey na ang sumagot.

“Hindi magaling ka-sex. Walang thrill.”

Napanganga ako. I knew Ailyn to be totally reserved person when I was in high school. Siya pinakamahinhin sa grupo. Tapos ngayon?

“Don’t be surprised. Hindi pa rin naka-move on sa dating jowa niya kaya naghahanap ng katulad.”

“But, one month and nag-sex na kayo?” Mahina kong tanong. I lived in a liberated country. Halos lahat ng mga kakilala ko sa Seattle na dalaga ay open sa usapang sex. Nakikipag-one night stand din sila. I didn’t get the reason for doing that. Hindi ko akalain na ganoon din ang friend ko. Well, I was fine with it. But never did I imagine that I would hear it from my friend!

Natatawang tinignan ako ni Ailyn. “Girl, dilig is life. Kailangan iyon to be productive. Ang sarap kaya. Actually, kagabi bago kami maghiwalay ng ex ko, nag-break up sex pa kami. All is good. Now, I need to move on.”

Natawa si Hershey. Napatingin ako sa kaniya. Hershey patted me. “Masasanay ka rin.”

“Ailyn!” Sita ko at hinampas din siya.

“So, ipakilala mo ako kay Xester, your friend.”

Napailing-iling na lang ako sa kaniya. Tinawanan niya ako at saka hinatak patungo sa mga dati naming kaklase na pinagkukumpulan ang ngayon ay artista na naming kaklase. Halos buong classmates namin daw namin ay mga nagsipagtapos ng pag-aaral. May dalawa lang na hindi nagpatuloy bagkus ay nag-business. Ayun. Boom na boom ang negosyo nila. The rest ay mga nasa office at ang iba ay field ang tinatahak.

“Here’s the tea,” Ailyn lowered her voice and crouched down a bit. Gumaya kami sa kaniya.

“You know Mckenzie, right?”

“Mckenzie Consuegra?”

Napakurap-kurap ako at sabay na tumango sa dalawa pang mga kaibigan. “His fiancée died last year. They were supposed to get married this year.”

Hershey gasped. “What?”

“Malaking aksidente raw ang nangyari. Sa ibang bansa yata iyon. One of the casualties was his fiancée. Matagal na niyang jowa iyon. I cannot imagine the feeling.”

I didn’t budge bagkus ay lumipad ang tingin sa kung saan nakapwesto si Mckenzie. From where I was standing, I could vividly see how his smile faded after tumalikod nang bahagya ng kausap. He’s a dead man. And it was hard fixing a dead man. Only his fiancee could.

“Let’s meet Maries, guys. Nasa taas daw siya,” ani Hershey matapos basahin ang message sa phone.

Inalis ko ang tingin kay Mckenzie at sumama sa mga kaibigan ko paakyat sa hagdan. Sinalubong kami ni Maries ng yakap at beso.

“We’ll stay in this room. Apat tayo. The rest ay may kaniya-kaniya ring room.” Itinuro niya ang pinto na katapat na katapat ng minipool dito sa second floor. Overlooking ang dagat. What a nice view.

“Sa amin ka sasama? Bakit hindi kay Jared?” Tanong ni Ailyn na sumalampak ng higa.

“He’ll stay with Mckenzie and his friends.”

“Ooh. Speaking of Mckenzie again.” Bumangon sa pagkakahiga si Ailyn. “Hindi pa siya naka-move on sa jowa niya, ano?”

Maries nodded. “Probably? He’s still reticent and introvert.”

“Mabuti at nasama siya rito?” Ani Hershey na inaayos na ang mga gamit.

“Napilit nila. Kailangan din lumabas ng taong iyon from time to time. He’s overworked.”

Mukha nga. Lagi ko kasi siyang nakikita sa kapilya nila. Lagi ko ring nararamdaman iyong lungkot na makita siyang ganiyan. Croix said he understood the scenario. Kung sa kaniya naman daw mangyari iyon baka mawala siya sa ulirat. Noong ako nga daw iyong na-ospital halos hindi na siya makakilos nang maayos. Si Xester nga raw na-trauma rin sa pinagdaanan niya na tulad kay Mckenzie.

“Let him heal. He’ll be okay. Like Xester. And do not hang up on that man, Weya. He’s a dead man.“

I remembered he said that. Napailing na lang ako. I knew. Hindi naman ako gagawa ng paraan para makuha ang attention niya. I enjoyed my life alone. I planned to stay this way all my life.

Almost lunch time nang tawagin kami ni Maries para kumain. Napasarap yata ang kwentuhan namin sa room kaya hindi namin namalayan na ilang beses na niya kaming binalikan.

“What the heck, Ailyn?” Iling ni Hershey sa kaibigan namin na kinukwento kung paano ang posisyon nila ng ex-boyfriend niya. Oh, my goodness. Hindi pa yata ako masasanay kay Ailyn.

We were laughing nang pumasok ulit si Maries na kunot na ang noo.

“Kanina pa lunch, mga bruha? Ano pang ginagawa niyo rito?”

Nagtatawanan kaming bumaba para sumalo sa tanghalian. Kumakain na nga ang mga kaklase namin. Napanguso ako nang biglang nagtakbuhan iyong dalawa para makigulo sa ibang kumukuha na ng pagkain.

Napailing-iling na lang si Maries. “You okay?” Baling niya sa akin.

Kinindatan ko siya at nag-thumbs up. Feeling ko babantayan ako nito all throughout. Binilin kasi ako ni Xester kanina sa kaniya. Pati oras ng pag-inom ko ng gamot.

“Sabihin mo lang if you don’t feel good, Weya, ah.”

I hugged her arm. “Opo, Mommy.”

Bahagya niyang hinampas ang braso ko habang tumatawa at hinila na ako sa kainan.

Medyo natagalan ako sa pagkuha ng food dahil kinausap ko pa ang ibang kaklase.

“Ang payat-payat mo na nga. Noong college, hindi naman,” puna ng isa na naging schoolmate ko noong college.

“True, Sachi. Ewan ko ba bakit mga nagsipag-payatan kayo,

Napanguso ako. Nagkasakit kasi ako!

Natawa na lang kami na mga naroon hanggang sa tawagin na ako ni Maries at itinuturo ang pwesto katabi niya. Nandoon na ang mga kaibigan ko.

I excused myself at lumapit sa kanila.

“Nakipagtsismisan ka na naman,” nakakunot ang noo na sabi ni Maries.

“Oy, grabe ka. Hindi, a,” depensa ko. Napa-kwento lang.

Napatingin ako sa mga tao sa circle na iyon.

“Long time no see, Wayne,” ngiti ni Jared na katabi ni Maries.

Nginitian ko rin siya. Ang gwapo na pala niya, ano? Kaya tuloy ang nasabi ko, “Hindi ka na lanky, Jared?”

Nagtawanan silang lahat maliban sa… kaniya. Nakangiti lang siya pero hindi umaabot sa mata ang kasiyahan. He was looking at… me. What? At me?

Bigla akong na-conscious at alanganin ang ngiti na binigay sa kaniya. Tumango lang siya at ibinalik ang atensyon sa pagkain.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako. He’s really dead inside.

“I know! Sobrang payat niya kasi talaga before!” Tawa ni Maries.

Napangiti ako sa kwentuhan nila. Minsan masarap din mag-reminisce ng nakaraan. Iyong akin lang ang medyo awkward kasi crush ko talaga si Mckenzie before.

“May crush iyan dati si Jared, e,” tawa ni Frank. Binato siya ni Jared ng tissue.

“What? Meron? Spill,” usisa ni Maries na masama na ang tingin kay Jared.

Natawa ako at inalala if may naging crush ba si Lanky Jared noon. Hindi ko maalala. Masyado kasi akong naka-focus sa crush ko noon. Here came my traitor eyes na napatingin na naman sa kaniya na nakikipagkwentuhan sa katabi.  He looked so gloomy. What should I do to make him feel the world again?

Wow, Weya. May karapatan ka?

“Kaklase natin?”

Napabalik ang tingin ko kay Ailyn nang magtanong siya. Dinugtungan pa iyon ni Hershey ng, “Siguro, classmate natin? Aba, Maries, kilala mo ba crush nito?”

Pailing-iling na lang si Jared. “Why are you asking me? Wala nga akong crush noon. Si Mckenzie ang tanungin niyo. May crush iyan na kaklase natin. Kaso, torpe. Hindi man lang nagparamdam.”

Napabaling ang tingin naming lahat kay Mckenzie na natigilan sa pagsasalita sa katabi. Kunot-noo niya kaming tinignan.

“What?”

“Did you have a crush sa classmate natin before?” Frank asked. Natawa ako nang bahagya. Kalalaking tao, tsismoso, ano? Hindi lang talaga exclusive sa babae ang pagiging tsismosa.

“What?” Tanong na naman niya. Then, tinapunan niya nang masamang tingin si Jared. “What are you saying?”

Biglang napakamot sa ulo niya si Jared. “Kasi, bro, ‘di ba may crush ka noong high school?”

“The hell?”

Nanlaki ang mga mata naming babae. May crush siya talaga? Wala akong nabalitaan! All I knew was nagka-girlfriend na siya noong college na kami.

“Spill,” impit na tili ni Maries. Nag-lean pa siya malapit sa table para makinig sa kung ano mang sasabihin ni Mckenzie. Nasiko niya tuloy ako nang bahagya.

Medyo umusog ako nang kaunti para mabigyan ng space ang pag-move niya. Nag-excuse lang ako kay Hershey na siyang katabi ko.

“Talagang may crush ka? Sino naman? Para namang walang maganda sa mga kaklase natin noon?”

Sabay-sabay naming tinignan nang masama si David na nagsalita. Nakakunot din ang noo niya at biglang natawa nang makita na nakatingin kami sa kaniya.

“Excuse me, David?” Taray ni Jenna, kasama sa circle of friends nina Mckenzie before, Siya lang iyong only girl sa kanila.

“Ay, mayroon ba?” Reply pa ni David.

“Bwiset ka. Marami kayang magagaganda noon! Mas gumanda lang kami ngayon,” ingos ni Ailyn.

“Aysus. Sabagay. Tignan mo si Ailyn. Parang dati lang, sobrang tahimik. Hindi makabasag-pinggan. Pero ngayon, sopistikada na!”

Nalihis ang usapan namin sa pag-alaala na naman ng nakaraan. Marami nga pala talaga kaming karanasan noon. Masaya rin naman pala ang high school life ko. Hindi na tuloy namin narinig kung sino ang crush ni Mckenzie.

Nang matapos ang dalawang oras na lunch ay kwentuhan ay binilinan na kami ni Maries na maghanda para sa gagawin naming trek.

“What? Trek? Akala ko ba swimming?” reklamo ng iba.

“Bonfire muna tayo ngayong gabi. Pwede rin naman na mag-night swimming doon. Mas malapit iyon sa dagat talaga. Saka ten minutes lang ang trek, ano!”

Nagka-ingayan na naman ang mga tao. Ako ay napailing na lang. I loved trekking Kung hindi lang ako may sakit sa puso ay baka naakyat ko na ang Mt. Everest. Croix and I used to climb mountains when we were young. Nang magkasakit ako ay saka lang ako pinagbawalan. Extreme kasi ang gusto kong gawin, so na-trigger ang puso ko.

“Let us change, Gusto ko na mag-night swim sa tuktok. Let’s go.”

Hinatak na kami ni Ailyn pabalik sa room para magpalit at kumuha ng mga kakailanganin naming damit. Pagbalik ay saka ko lang naalala ang cellphone ko nang makita ko na umiilaw iyon.

“Xester is calling!” Tili ni Ailyn. Nauna siya sa pagpasok kaya kinuha niya ang phone ko at ipinakita sa akin.

Bakit na naman tumatawag ito? Kabado bente?

“Can I answer?” nakangising tanong ni Ailyn.

Tumango ako at lumapit na sa bag ko para kuhanin ang gamot. Alas-dos na ng hapon. Inuman ko na ng gamot. Every morning naman ang vitamins.

“Yes, hello?” Dinig kong sambit ni Ailyn.

“You take meds?” Hershey stood beside me while getting her things next to my bag, too.

“Yeah.”

“I thought you had a heart transplant na? Bakit may meds pa rin? Maintenance?”

“I think so. These past few months ay sumasakit ang puso ko. The doctor mentioned that probably a post-surgery effect.”

“What about our trek? Kaya mo ba umakyat?” Biglang nag-worry ang face niya.

“Oo naman. It is also an exercise, ano.”

“Yeah. For us. Not for you who has a heart problem,” aniya. “Anyways, buti nakahanap kayo agad ng donor?”

Nilabas ko na ang ilang damit na gagamitin at inilalagay sa mas maliit kong bag. “Sobrang swerte ko talaga noong panahon na iyon. Well, I was second in queue but things happened. Sabi ni Croix, nakahanap sila ng direktang donor ko. Some of the details ay vague na. I didn’t even remember the week before my surgery.”

“Huh?”

“Maniniwala ka ba na I really forgot what happened the week prior my surgery? Hindi ko alam ang nangyari. All I knew was nasa naoperahan na ako nang magmulat ako ng mata.”

“Temporary amnesia?”

“Yeah. Baka nga raw ganiyan.”

“Oh.” Bigla akong niyakap ni Hershey. “We didn’t know na ganiyan pala ang kalagayan mo. Sana nagsabi ka rin agad. Kung alam lang namin, pinuntahan ka na namin sa States.”

Natawa ako nang bahagya. “Ano ka ba? It’s okay. I am fine naman na.”

“But you are taking meds? How can you be fine?”

“Part of life,” ngiti ko.

“Oh, she’s there na pala. Shall I give the phone to Weya na?”

Napalingon kami kay Ailyn na tumayo na sa kama. Ngiting-ngiti siya na iniaabot ang phone sa akin.

“What?” Nagtatakang tanong ko habang inaabot ang phone.

“Ang gwapo ng boses ng kaibigan mo. Bet ko talaga,” mahina niyang sambit. At ayun nga, nagtatatalon pabalik sa kama.

“You are crazy, Ailyn,” iling ni Hershey.

“Xes,” sagot ko sa phone nang itapat yon sa tenga.

“Who’s that?”

“Who?”

“The one who took the phone?” Parang irita iyong boses niya. I glanced at Ailyn who was now on her phone.

“Why?”

“She’s… Hell. Why did you leave your phone? Nasagot pa tuloy niya!”

Napaawang ang labi ko. Ano bang sinabi ni Ailyn dito? “Why nga? Anong sinabi niya?”

“Don’t ask. I don’t wanna remember.” I heard him sigh. Natawa na naman ako. What the? Ano kayang sinabi ni Ailyn? Bakit hindi ko narinig kanina?

“Did you take your meds?” Pagkuwa’y tanong niya.

“Yes po, tatay. Kaiinom ko lang po.” Kahit ang totoo ay pakuha pa lang ako ng tubig. Wala akong makitang tubigan sa room kaya bumaba ako sa kusina. I waved at Hershey bago lumabas ng room.

“Your lunch?”

“Done na po.” Minsan talaga parang tatay ko ‘tong si Xester, e. Mas protective pa kaysa kay Croix. “Saan na ikaw?”

“Almost home.”

“Ang tagal naman ng byahe mo?” Napatingin ako sa relo ko. six hours na mula nang maihatid niya ako rito.

“I just did something along the way. Why? Miss me already?”

I rolled my eyes kahit hindi niya kita. “Excuse me? Ikaw, Xester, huh. Marami ka masyadong nililihim. Take care of yourself, please.”

“Yeah, yeah,” tawa niya.

Magsasalita pa sana ako nang bigla akong nabunggo. I almost dropped the phone and screamed.

“I’m so-“ Bigla akong natigilan nang mabilis pa sa mabilis nag-palpitate ang puso ko. I heard the deafening sound of my heart monitor. Napahawak ako sa kung sino man ang nakabungguan ko. My heart was beating erratically. I held my chest and calmed myself down. What’s happening?

“Hey, are you okay?”

I looked up only to see Mckenzie gazing back at me with worry in his eyes. There’s an emotion!

“Weya?” He called. Hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang balikat at pilit in-steady kasi parang anytime matutumba ako. My chest was constricting, again, kung kailan nandito na naman siya.

“Is something’s wrong with your heart? Do we need to go to the hospital?” Worry was laced on his voice. Gusto kong ngumiti kasi may emosyon na akong nakita sa kaniya. But I got busy calming myself. Ang bilis pa rin ng tibok ng puso ko.

“Weya?”

I closed my eyes and just clutched my chest as if calming it down.

“Hey, Mckenzie! Anong nangyari?”

“Anong nangyari kay Sachi?”

“May sakit ba siya sa puso?”

“Oh, my God! Look! Ang bilis ng heartbeat niya!”

We probably attracted our classmates that I felt them circling us.

“Call Alexies!”

“This will not do. Come on.” In a swift motion, I was bridal carried by Mckenzie. I didn’t dare open my eyes because I felt my heart start beating erratically again.

“Her phone, Mc. It’s on call,” someone said.

Iniupo ako ni Mckenzie sa kung saan. I was still clutching my chest. Napayuko ako. I was still holding him for support kasi my chest hurt talaga. Ano ba naman ito? I could feel my eyes watering.

“Hi. This is Mckenzie, a former classmate and churchmate. Yes. I think something’s wrong with her heart. She’s clutching her chest.”

Mukhang sinagot na niya ang tawag ni Xester. Nabitiwan ko na pala ang phone ko.

“What are you feeling, Weya?” Tanong niya sa akin. Feeling ko nag-crouch down siya pero nakaalalay pa rin sa akin na nakaupo.

I was exercising my breathing now. I was trying to calm my heart. It beat so fast!

“My heart… It’s beating… so f-fast,” I managed to answer.

“What shall I do then?” I didn’t know kung ako ang kausap niya o si Xester pa. Hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari. Darkness engulfed me and the next thing I knew I was inside our room and some apparatuses were connected to me. Akala ko nasa hospital na naman ako.

“You’re awake.”

Natigilan ako sa planong pagbangon nang marinig ang boses niya. I looked at my side and saw Mckenzie standing up from his seat.

“Oh.” I cleared my throat. Then, looked around. “S-sina Maries?”

“They just went out. Probably to meet your friend.”

Huh? Pabalik si Xester dito? At iniwan akong mag-isa ng mga kaibigan ko?

Nakalapit siya sa akin and asked again, “Do you feel anything?”

Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili. I glanced at the monitor.

“Alexies checked on you. Good thing he has the apparatuses for heart detecting and monitoring.”

Dahan-dahan akong bumangon. Pakiramdam ko, okay naman na ako.

“Thank you,” sabi ko nang tulungan nya ako na makaupo nang maayos sa headboard.

Nagkibit-balikat lang siya.

“Okay na ako. Na-trigger lang naman siguro kanina.” I remembered iyong worried voice and face niya kanina.

He just stood near my bed at matamang nakatingin sa akin. “Do you always have erratic heartbeat?”

Umiling ako. Tuwing nakikita lang kita. “No.”

“I heard from my mother who was told by Ka Yada that you underwent heart transplant a year ago?”

Napatingin ako sa kaniya. “I did. May sakit kasi ako sa puso mula bata pa. Na-trigger malala noong nasa abroad ako. So, noong mag-breakdown ang puso ko ay I was in a transplant surgery.”

“It’s your second life, then?”

Matipid akong ngumiti. “Parang ganoon na nga.”

Grabe. Heto na yata ang pinakamahaba naming conversation. Napatingin ako sa watch monitor ko. Okay naman. My heart’s fine.

“Uhm, si Alexies ba ang nagkabit nito?” Turo ko sa monitor.

Tumango siya. “Pwede kaya naipatanggal ko na? I’m okay naman na.”

“Are you sure?”

Hindi na ako nakasagot nang biglang bumukas ang pinto. Pumasok si Alexies na napangiti nang makita ako.

“You are awake!”

“Hi, Alex,” bati ko. We were not technically close friends pero masaya kausap si Alex noong high school. Ewan ko na nga lang ngayon. “Doktor na ikaw?” Ngumiti siya.

“Hello there, pretty Weya. What happened to you?” Aniya palapit. “Bro.” Tinanguan niya si Mckenzie na bumalik naman sa sofa sa gilid.

“How are you feelin’?”

“Okay lang. Pwede ko na ba tanggalin ang monitor? I have my watch monitor naman,” angat ko sa monitor na nasa bisig.

“Pwede naman na. Okay naman na results mo. Huwag ka lang magpapakapagod. You did a heart transplant?”

Mukhang alam na ng buong klase ang surgery na pinagdaan ko. Tumango ko.

“Don’t worry. Nothing’s wrong with your heart. It just reacts whenever you are overworked or probably too euphoric. We had a talk with your friend Xester. Iuuwi ka na raw muna.”

“What? Ayoko pa umuwi,” nakangiwi kong sambit.

Napangiti siya sa akin. “Well, you better talk to him. Friend mo pala si Dela Merced?” He continued the conversation habang tinatanggal na ang pagkakakabit ng mga aparato sa akin.

“Croix?”

“Yes.”

“Yep.”

“Where is he now? Nagkaroon ng reunion last week ang section niya.”

“Nandito siya. Hindi lang siya nakapunta kasi busy. You know his work naman.”

Napabaling ang tingin ko kay Mckenzie nang tumayo siya at lumabas ng kwarto. Hawak niya ang phone na nakalagay sa tenga. I think, he’s back being dead.

Hindi ako nakasama sa trek paakyat sa magandang view ng resort. Nahuli na rin sa pag-akyat sina Ailyn, Hershey, at Maries. Hinintay pa talaga nila na makarating si Xester bago sila umalis. Hindi na rin ako nakasama sa bunutan ng palaro nila para bukas. Ang sad lang. This was supposed to be my first reunion attendance, hindi ko man lang ma-enjoy.

“Let us not go home, please? Dito na lang muna tayo. I’m not gonna join activities na lang. I’ll swim na lang,” I was pleading Xester to stay here na lang. Alexies told me na okay lang naman daw if I’d stay basta no extreme activities muna. I believed him because he’s a doctor.

Hindi ako pinansin ni Xester na inaayos na ang gamit ko. As in kararating lang niya, tapos babiyahe na naman kami.

“Bukas na lang, Xes? Ilang oras ka na nagba-byahe, e.” I was worried, too. Mula madaling araw ay nasa byahe na kami. Napabalik pa siya rito dahil nga sa akin. Baka mamaya kung ano na mangyari.

“Croix.” Binalingan ko ang kaibigan na nasa video call.

“What?”

“Talk to Xes.”

“Weya.”

“Please? Baka maaksidente naman kami kasi pagod na siya.”

Matagal na tinitigan ako ni Croix. Nagmamakaawa na ang mata ko na naghihintay sa sagot niya. I clasped my hands together para mapigilan si Xester.

Finally, after how many seconds, tapos bitbit na ni Xester ang bags ko, nagsalita si Croix.

“Still can drive, Xes?”

Napabaling sa amin ang atensyon ng kaibigan. His eyes were laced with worry and weariness, and I could not help but blame myself. Stupid emotions.

“I can still manage. We must be in the hospital.”

Napabuntong-hininga si Croix. Xester tsked. I smiled. We would stay.

Later that evening, kami lang ang tao sa resort. Nasa kabilang side kasi silang lahat. I wanna go there, too, but Xester… Hayst. Pinakain ko na lang muna ang kaibigan na masama pa rin ang tingin sa akin. Pinaalala niya sa akin na bukas na bukas ay kailangang pumunta na ako sa hospital. Ayaw pa ring maniwala sa sinabi ni Alex.

Napatayo ako nang may marinig akong tawanan na papalapit sa area namin. Parang boses nina Maries.

“Maries!” Tili ni Ailyn.

“Gaga ka! Ikaw nagsimula, e!” Tawa naman ni Maries.

Napalawak ang ngiti ko. Nandito na sila!

Kinawayan ko agad sila. Hershey ran when she saw me waving.

“Okay ka na? Bakit nandito ka na sa labas?”

“Okay na ako.”

“Heya, Weya-girl!” Tawag ni Ailyn na tumakbo palapit sa akin. Tinanong din ako katulad ng tanong ni Hershey.

Tinignan ko ang iba kung pababa na sila. Pasado nine na rin kasi.

“They are still enjoying the night. Mamaya pa bababa ang mga iyon,” sabi ni Maries. Nilagpasan niya ako at lumapit kay Xester. “Hey, Xester.”

Nginisian ako ni Ailyn. “Ang gwapo talaga ng kaibigan mo, baks. Ilapit mo na ako,” bulong niya sabay hagikgik.

Tinawanan ko lang siya. Inasar siya ni Hershey na kanina pa raw bukambibig ni Ailyn si Xester. Kasama kasi siya sa sumalubong kanina.

We sat down with Xester still eating his food habang kausap na ni Maries. Bagay talaga sa PR Team itong si Maries. She’s good in communicating. Same rin naman kay Xester na mukhang nakapalagayan na ng loob ang mga kaibigan ko. He even talked to Ailyn. Hinampas-hampas pa ng bruha ang kamay sa binti ko na nasa ilalim ng table.

Nag-kwentuhan lang kami hanggang sa dumating ang mga kasama namin pasado alas-onse na. Karamihan ay ang mga babae. Naiwan pa raw ang boys kasi nag-iinuman.

Pinagkaguluhan nila si Xester na panay lang ang ngiti. Hinanap naman ng mga mata ko si Mckenzie. Maries probably saw what I was doing kaya nag-lean siya at binulungan ako na hindi raw nila kasama si Mckenzie sa trek. Nagpaiwan daw dito.

So, kanina pa siya narito? Bakit hindi ko nakita? Ang sad naman. Ayaw pa rin ba niya makipag-socialize? Ang tahimik kasi na talaga niya. Minsan lang ngumiti, hindi pa abot sa mata. He really loved Sophia that much?

Malamang, Weya. Pakakasalan ba kung hindi?

I suddenly felt the urge to walk my mind out of my imagination. Naglakad ako palabas ng bungalow. Tinuro ko lang kay Xester na sandalling tumingin sa akin ang dagat. He just nodded.

I wasn’t a good swimmer. I didn’t like water that much, but I felt like I needed the sea’s comfort. Naglakad ako sa may dalampasigan. Madilim ang paligid but my eyes could still see the silent waves making their way to the shore. Malamig ang paligid. Kaya ang sarap sa pakiramdam.

“It’s almost midnight. Why are you still here?”

I almost jumped out of shock when out nowhere ay may nagsalita. I looked at my monitor. My heart’s fine. Napalingon tuloy ako, It’s Mckenzie!

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. My hand was at my chest at nakita ko na napadako ang tingin niya roon.

“You okay?”

Saka lang ako nagpakawala ng hangin. “O-okay lang.”

Nilagpasan niya akong maglakad. Mabagal lang kaya medyo sinabayan ko siya.

“Bakit ka rin naglalakad?” Tanong ko sa mahinang tinig. I was just looking at his back.

Hindi siya nagsalita. Napabuntong-hininga ako. “Ang ganda pala rito kapag gabi, ano? Ang refreshing sa pakiramdam. Parang tinatangay ng alon iyong problema mo kapag tumitingin ka sa kanila.”

I thought a conversation would lighten up the atmosphere between us.

Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita. I didn’t know where he’s looking but I really felt his sadness. Na-sa-sad ako para sa kaniya.

“Thank you nga pala kanina, huh. Hindi ako nakapagpasalamat. Maraming beses mo na akong tinulungan. Ewan ko ba kasi sa puso ko, laging nag-re-react sa mga bagay-bagay,” bahagya akong natawa.

We just continued walking and I just talked. Alam kong naririnig niya ako. Hindi nga lang siya nagre-react.

“I heard from people around you of what had happened to your fiancée. I’m sorry if magsasalita ako, a. Kasi ang lungkot-lungkot ng pakiramdam ko sa ‘yo. Hindi ko alam bakit. But kung ano man ang nararamdaman mo ngayon. valid iyan. I had a friend who happened to experience the same thing years ago. He became a dead man. Pero dahil nasa tabi niya kami all throughout his moving on process, unti-unti nagkaroon siya ng buhay. Sana makapag-open up ka sa pinaka-close mong kaibigan or kaya sa parents mo. Para kahit paano maibsan ang nararamdaman mong sakit. Mahirap talaga but time heals everything, you know? Despite how long it takes, it heals everything.”

Ilang minuto pa siguro akong nagsasalita pero wala pa rin siyang reaksyon. Tumigil na ako sa pagsunod sa kaniya. Croix’s probably right. He’s a dead man. O kaya naman Tin Man. Wala ng emosyon. Kasama siguro ni Sophia ang puso niya. At kailanman ay hindi na mababalik. Parang kay Xester lang. But Xester knew how to socialize despite the tragedy and trauma he had experienced. That’s another story to tell. I wasn’t gonna share it anyway. Kasi kahit naman ikwento ko kay Mckenzie, no reaction. Pareho lang sila. But Xester realized that there’s more to life than mop about his loss. Mckenzie would never understand that yet. Sariwa pa ang sugat.

I didn’t know but I really felt so heavyhearted with Mckenzie’s life.

I sighed again and just watched him leave footprints on the sand. Hindi ko na siya sinundan maglakad. Baka kailangan niya na mapag-isa. Hindi naman ako manhid para hindi maramdaman na ayaw makipag-usap ng tao. Ayoko lang kasi na binabagabag konsensya ko.

I decided to return sa bahay. Masyado na palang malayo ang narating ng lakad ko. Hahayaan ko na ang si Mckenzie. Kaya naman na niya ang sarili niya.

Another month passed, buwanang pulong ng lahat ng maytungkulin sa Distrito. Pumunta kami. At dahil masyado pang maaga ay nagkape muna ang mga kasama ko. Hindi na ako sumama at naghintay na lang sa labas. Nakaupo ako sa monoblock na nakita ko at tumingin-tingin lang sa paligid. Parami na ang mga maytungkulin. Nginingitian ko kapag kakilala ko.

Ilang sandali pa ay nakita ko si Ka Judy. Binati niya ako at hinanap ang Tita Yada. Sinabi ko na nahuli pa sila kasi nasa extra practice pa. Nag-stay pa si Ka Judy para makakwentuhan ko hanggang sa dumating siya. Tipid na nginitian ako ni Mckenzie na humalik sa pisngi ng mama niya. Nag-stay na rin siya sa tabi ng mama niya. Napangiti na lang ko. Sapat na talaga sa akin na makita siya. Parang okay na. Kuntento na ako.

Ka Judy talked to me all throughout. Sumasali rin si Mckenzie kapag nitatanong ng mama niya. Napapangiti ako kasi parang napipilitan lang siya. Nang hindi siya nakatiis ay tinignan na niya ng masama ang mama niya. Natawa ako. Napatingin siya sa akin habang nakakunot ang noo. I just smiled at him at binalik ang atensyon kay Ka Judy.

Sinusupil ko pa rin ang ngiti ko kapag naaalala iyong masamang tingin niya sa mama niya. Siguro naiinis na siya. Na-miss ko bigla iyong Mckenzie na kilala ko noong high school. Parang nakikita ko siya sa mga emosyong nagadaraan sa mga mata niya pero bigla naman ay bumabalik sa pagiging dead man.

“You do not have your companions today?”

Napatingin ako sa kaniya na umupo sa pwestong inalisan ng mama niya. He’s just looking at the ajar door kung saan labas-pasok ang mangilan-ngilang kapatid.

“Meron. Nasa labas lang sila.” Tinuro ko ang kainan sa labas.

Dead air.

Hindi na siya nag-react. Tinikom ko na ang bibig ko. I didn’t initiate a talk between us after that. Hindi ko rin naman kasi alam kung anong sasabihin ko. Mabuti na lang at bumalik ang Ka Judy at inaya na ako na pumasok sa loob. Sumama na ako kaysa naman magtuloy-tuloy ang awkward atmosphere sa pagitan namin. Though ako lang naman ang feeling awkward.

Hindi ko alam if mayroon bang string sa pagitan naming dalawa kasi lagi kaming nagkikita. Katulad ngayon. Nakasama ako sa outing ng pamilya nila dahil niyaya ni Ka Judy ang Tita Yada sa outing. Nasama na rin ako kasi sumama sina Croix at Xester.

“’Ligo na tayo,” yaya ni Croix.

“Later. Let’s eat first.” Hinatak ako ni Xester palapit kina Tita Yada na naghahanda na ng food.

I saw Mckenzie who nodded at me nang makitang nakatingin ako sa kaniya. I smiled bago nagpahatak kay Xester palapit sa table.

“Croix, mamaya ka na maligo. Kumain muna tayo!” Sigaw ni Tita Yada.

“Nasaan na ang kapatid mo, Mc?” Tanong ng Ka Judy.

Was this fate? Destiny? To see him brought happiness and sadness at the same time. Ewan ko ba. I could really feel his sadness. Iyong emotions niya, nararamdaman ko. Basta nakikita ko siya, I knew if masaya siya o malungkot na naman. He’s stoic and didn’t show emotions but I felt him.

“You’re alone. Again.”

Nilingon ko siya na nakatingin na sa kawalan. Parang de javu. Last time lang ay ganito rin ang tagpo namin sa dalampasigan. Kaibahan lang ay pahapon pa lamang ngayon.

I just smiled at him. I was afraid to open a conversation or answer his statement. Ayoko kasing makaramdam sa boses niya ng lungkot. Feeling ko kasi decided na siyang maging malungkot. Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko naman ipipilit ang sarili ko sa mga taonga yaw naman mag-open up or makisalamuha sa akin. I knew my limites. And I guessed one of those was this distant emotion.

“I heard from mama that you were hospitalized again. Laging nangyayari?”

Napaawang ang labi ko. He knew? Just fortnight ago, nasa hospital na naman ako. My heart was acting up. The doctors just told me to be careful kasi parang something’ wrong with my heart again. But he knew?

I closed my mouth and silently cleared my throat. “Oo, e. Ewan ko ba. Feeling ko nag-re-react na iyong puso sa katawan ko.”

“It’s rare but it happens. One of my friends who underwent the same transplant tended to be in the hospital more often than expected. He’s okay now though. It just took him time before his body accepted his new heart. It will go the same with you.”

My heart melted. Bakit feeling ko he’s giving me assurance?

Ang assuming, Weya? Hindi kayo close kung hindi mo natatandaan?

Hindi ako nagsalita. Nginitian ko lang siya though I knew hindi niya kita kasi nakatingin na siya sa dagat. He’s really gwapo. Haist.

“My fiancée died last year. I don’t know how much you heard but she died so suddenly before our wedding. It’s tragic. I wasn’t there. She’s all alone. Cold and helpless.”

My mouth once again parted. Napatingala ako sa kaniya na nanlalaki ang mga mata. Was he… Was he really telling me the accident?

“It was more than a year ago. We went to Seattle to meet her relatives and to personally give our wedding invitation. Everything felt good and okay. Until that day she went to pick up the dress her cousin bought. I couldn’t go with her because I could not leave her doting grandmother who was talking to me. She told me she’d go and that it would only take half an hour and I’d hear from her. She wasn’t wrong. She lived up with her promise. Through a phone call telling me she died on the spot during a collision.”

Nahigit ko ang hininga. Tears started trickling down my face. I couldn’t move. Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya habang panay ang tulo ng luha. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako umiiyak.

“You told me to have someone share my worries and pain. I was thinking hard whom I could do it. My mama’s old and surely couldn’t carry my burden. My friends were all busy. They can spare time for me but I don’t have a heart to get even a minute because they might feel my sadness.”

He took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and opened them again looking faraway.

“My heart aches every day. My heart stops loving when she left me behind. I couldn’t blame her because it was so sudden. I just can’t and will forever be haunted by her cold and lifeless body.”

Huminga ako nang malalim habang pinagmamasdan siya. My heart was not reacting. Parang nararamdaman nito ang bigat ng kwento ni Mckenzie. He’s telling me about his girlfriend. He’s showing emotions.

“I longed for her smile, her warm hand. Her everything. But I know everything’s just a dream. Hindi ko na siya makikita kahit kailan. Tanggap ko naman na wala na siya pero hindi mawawala ang sakit tuwing naaalala ko siya. Alam mo iyong pakiramdam na okay na ang lahat pero sa isang iglap biglang nawala? Tears would never be enough to suffice the emotion I am feeling up until now.”

Panay na ang tulo ng luha ko habang para akong estatwa na nakatayo sa tabi niya. My heart constricted nang makita ko ang pagtulo ng luha sa mata niya. Ilang sandali na namayani ang katahimikan hanggang sa muli siyang magsalita.

“I’m sorry, Sachi. I didn’t mean to tell you what I am thinking. We’re not close. I know. But for some reasons, I felt comfortable with you around. I hope you don’t take this as an offense.”

Napatungo ako at tumingin sa kalawakan ng dagat. Dahan-dahan kong pinunasan ang pisngi. Hindi ako makapagsalita. May bikig sa lalamunan na pumipigil sa akin na tugunan ang kaniyang mga sinabi. I didn’t know how to react.

“I also hate breaking your own heart. I knew you like me but I am dead inside. My heart has been buried six feet under the ground. I cannot like you back. So, before I break yours, let me tell it to you directly. I am sorry.”

My tears stopped. And so my heart.

DREAMS, The Chimera

De javu.

There was this feeling I could not discern. It bothered me so much I could not sleep well at night.

I stared at the canvass sitting in the center of my studio. Tomorrow would be our painting exhibition in Bulacan. Selected students from our school and FEU would be joining the exhibition. I was excited upon learning it would be held in Bulacan. I had no idea why. It felt de javu.

Months ago, I had a dream. A vague and strange dream yet realistic. I felt I was there and having the conversation with a girl. In my dreams, I was sitting in front of my canvass. With brush and paint on my hand, I looked back to see a girl standing almost five steps away from me. Her face was vague. I could only point out that she was wearing a long white dress that fitted her slender yet slim body and a long black hair.

To my utter amazement, I had only said, “Hello.”

From then on, we talked with each other. She was just there behind my back as I drew her silhouette in my canvass. Those dreams happened to last for months until I stopped dreaming about her and that was when I started painting the scenario. Tomorrow would be the first time I would show it in public.

“Here’s our place. You can now start setting up all our canvasses. Be careful.”

I nodded at our club president as he instructed us of what to do. We were already in the university in Bulacan and currently setting up the place. The place was only a half-size of our school’s covered court. It was not even covered. It had a bleacher on the left side of the stage and a mini food court with stalls lined in the right side.

The exhibit would maximize the court, so we placed our canvasses accordingly. I talked with the other school since I knew the president of its art club. Some acquaintances were also here to present their works.

It took us an hour to set up everything. We arranged the choice’s form to be filled out once the students at this school had chosen a painting.

I sat on the upper side of the bleacher when it was already 8:00 a.m. I could view the students’ movements.

“Thanks,” I murmured when one of the club members gave me a food pack and a drink for breakfast.

“No worries. At lunch, we will go to the dean’s office as per Prof. Nograles.”

I nodded.

I was about to eat my food when a girl, looking at my canvass, and donned in a green shirt and khaki pants with matching hat on top caught my attention. Her back looked so familiar. I intently gazed at her long hair which was like in my painting.

My mouth parted. Her silhouette was like that of the girl in my dreams!

I stood up and left my things beside my fellow club member. I slowly walked down until I had reached our area. She was still standing and gazing at the canvass.

The Chimera.

It was named The Chimera because the girl in my dream suggested the phrase. She even talked about Mythology.  She said she was an English major and during her third year, she studied Greek Mythology. She was fascinated with the chimera as it was a fire-breathing monster that had a lion’s head, a goat’s body, and a dragon’s tail. It also had three heads, a lioness, a goat, and a snake. It was a female monster. It devastated a city and was then killed by a hero I forgot the name.

I stood in front my friend’s canvass while listening to the conversation the girl was having with her friend. Her friend was talking about getting her to a psychiatrist. What? Did she have a mental health problem?

“You’re so mean.”

Wow. She had a good speaking voice.

Then, I heard her friend say something about dreams and hallucinations. I glanced at them and at my canvass. Was she having the same dream I had?

Come on, Aldrin. Don’t get your hope high. People could get the same silhouette.

I was called by the club president afterwards. We went to the dean’s office to have our lunch and returned to the court. I stood and gazed at my masterpiece. Of all the paintings I did, this one was the most sentimental. I really had the feeling that my dreams were true. Or probably, I shared the same dream with the girl.

The dream was vivid. I could remember the conversation we had. We talked about nature, how Mother Earth was returning all the bad deeds we did. We also talked about how simple rural life. Even my paintings were discussed. They were vivid scenarios. The only thing that bothered me was I only tilted my head to her side once. I got to see her vague silhouette. Her face I could not see and her speaking voice I forgot. I just remembered the moment.

I asked my mom about my dreams. She said that probably I was longing for someone whom I could share my worries and such. That my mind was helping me be at ease by imagining someone was talking to me. It appeared to happen in my dreams.

The friend of the girl who had the same posture as the girl in my dreams was right all along. The Chimera was not a head turner. It was just a beginner’s canvass. However, the beauty in it was the story. It had been months since I finished this, but I could not bring myself uploading it to my site. It was too personal. I would rather put this in my room than letting someone see it. My mother contradicted my decision and convinced me that this must be seen. I could probably see the girl as she hoped for me.

That would be a big problem. I did not know the girl. Where in the world should I find her?

I was taken aback when the girl I was looking for a while ago came near me and stared at the painting. She smiled at me. Why did she smile at me?

“Taga-rito ka po?” she asked.

My brows furrowed. What? Was she asking me? Why?

I cleared my throat. “Nope. I’m from UST.” And I answered. Was I really having this conversation with the girl? Her voice sounded familiar. I heard it somewhere else.

I stared at her side angle. She was gazing at The Chimera like it was the most beautiful canvass on set. There was something in her eyes that made me want to know her more.

I felt my heart beat so fast. I clutched my chest. What was it?

She asked me if I knew the painter. Of course. It was I who drew that.

“Why? Did you like the painting?” I asked. Hoping she said yes. My mouth parted. Why would I hope for that?”

“Ang simple nya kasi. The strokes are just the normal ones. Tapos madali lang syang i-paint. Natural lang kasi. But the catchy part in there is that may story behind the scene. Para sa akin, iyon yung dahilan kung bakit lumutang yung ‘Simplicity is beauty’. And additional pa yung title. So catchy. “

I looked at her intently. What was she saying? “How can you say that there’s story behind that?”

“Well, every painting has a story, ‘di ba? So, kasama na yang The Chimera. Saka kasi…”

“What?” Please do not tell me you saw this in your dreams, too. I was not going to tell you were insane if you would tell me that because I just saw the scenario in my dreams, too. Would that make both of us insane?

And I was right. She was just the girl in my dreams.

My mother once told me that human connections are quite mysterious. We felf de javu sometimes because we were dreaming or imagining scenarios in our heads. We became hopeful for something impossible. However, dreams could be turned into reality. I rarely happened but it happened.

I guessed this was one of the rarest happenings in life – finally meeting the girl in my dreams through my painting.

---

ER Baguinaon (05312024)

SS – Still, Forever

“The question of all the people around the world right now is why leave the industry you have built for almost twenty years?”

I closed my mouth and smiled. This was the question I had practiced for over a year. I knew this would be asked in my to-be last interview and I had prepared myself for this but I did not expect that there would be a moment when I would falter in answering.

My mind returned to my ten year younger memories when I first the man who I was about to start my forever. Was he the reason I would be leaving the field? Actually, we were working in the same institution. But he left and focused more on his new-found career. I was glad he’s happy. As long as he was happy, my heart would be okay. And I guessed, my happiness would be fulfilled if I would change my career, too. Not entirely because of him but because I saw how passionate he was on his chosen profession. I would like to feel the same way.

“Why not teach here, Eya?” I asked my best friend who would be here for a month for a vacation. She was a teacher in her country. During vacation, she would be here to join us.

“Here?” She confirmed while eating.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“No thank you, dear. Your education system is too rigid for me. It will eat me up.”

“I think no?” I countered. I had a blast when I was studying. There were pressure, yes, but I enjoyed. And our other best friend was quite enjoying his studies, too.

“Yeah, I know. But for me nga lang, e,” she sniggered.

I pouted. “Why not try acting? I can refer you,” I offered after a while. My friend’s beauty was simplicity. At first, one would not notice but as you stared at her, one would see how beautiful and precious this gem was.

Her eyes widened then countered me again, “Why not become a teacher? Kuya Wy will be one. Why not join our trend?”

I scowled. This girl. Every time I would suggest something, she would counter. Could I pull her hair?

I had two best friends, one from the same field who left and was focusing on his studies while the other one was mostly abroad and a teacher. She was my fan daw at first but she never joined any of my fanmeets. She was just a fan by heart as per her. She was a silent supporter. Eventually, she became a friend and a best of friend at that matter.

We enjoyed our years together until I decided to stay with them. Wy, my then best friend and now boyfriend, worked abroad as an instructor. I stayed behind but would be there forever tomorrow morning.

I was just here to finish everyqthing and announce to the whole world that I was about to retire.

The whole week had been jampacked. I did interviews, modelling, and took a glimpse of the last two dramas I would be in. I attended few variety shows and runways. And today was the last day of my shoot. This would be the last interview I would be doing before I pursued my new career.

“Do you want me to fetch you at the airport?”

I nodded to Wy in a video call before I was called in for the interview.

“Okay. I’ll be at the airport first thing in the morning. Any food to your liking?”

“Can I have puto? The one that Eya makes?”

Eya, my best friend, could make a Filipino delicacy’s puto which I liked the most. Her baking skills were topnotch that was why we loved hanging in her place. Finally, I could do that once tomorrow began.

“All right. I’ll call her later.”

“Yeah. Kindly tell her. She hasn’t replied to my message an hour ago pa. She’s quite busy because she’s currently in their reading.”

My life was never boring with these two individuals. We did not see each other that often but we made sure to video call whenever one was free.

“Actually, I am getting married,” I honestly answered to the host.

The host and all the staffs around squealed with shock. I laughed. They looked so comical. Well, I kind of expected their reaction because I built up an image of a great wall. When I was younger, I was shipped to almost all leading men I played a drama with. People assumed that there were romantic relationships with the closeness I had with them. They termed my hesitation to be engaged in a romantic relationship as Great Wall of Yenna. I was so anti-romantic as per them. How funny.

They knew that I was focused on blossoming my career that time. I waited for that very moment to reach where I was, so I just let male counterpart as my friends. Until I met Wy. Should I tell my our story? I hoped this would not waste your time.

We were paired to be the leads in a romantic comedy drama that was written for me (the scriptwriter informed me directly that the drama was meant for me). I was exuberant upon knowing that. However, it took three years before we completed the drama because of the rejections from actors who would play the male lead. Wy, was then offered the role, accepted. Since then, people would pair us up. We stayed friends. Then, we met again in a fashion show. The rest was history.

He was teaching college students abroad. I was about to enter the same field but focused more on film studies since I graduated with the course. I got accepted in the same university he’s in. Eya was still a public high school teacher and had no plans in teaching college. We could own the college field daw.

I finished the interview after an hour. I bid my goodbye to the crew and was ready to get home. I would just sleep until midnight and go to the airport at dawn. Tomorrow would be the start of another career.

I heaved a deep sigh as I looked outside the window of the car. Would I miss this city? I grew up and worked here for almost four decades of my life. I experienced all what career women could ever experience. I explored the city and became all sorts of whoever. I got names all over the net and such. I was able to build my life here. However, I would leave all behind to restart my life. There would be regrets, of course. I thought hard for this. I even asked my family if they would be fine with my decisions. They said it was all up yo me. If I was happy, they would be fine.

It was a long process until I one fateful day when Eya got hospitalized because of protecting her students from a natural disaster. It was raining hard in her country that day. A storm was anticipated to land but not that day where they were having a field trip. The bus got stuck in the middle of the road while water came gushing. The rain was pouring hard, the water was flowing and eating the road’s path. Eya pulled rope somewhere and started making a path to let her students swim past the road and safely put them in the higher path. She succeeded but almost drowned.

I was anxious the whole time while waiting for the news of her safety. I could not fly across the boarder because the flights to her country cancelled. I questioned Wy about Eya’s decision of saving her students. He mentioned that her students were like Eya’s kids. She would protect the at all cost. That was the definition of education – teaching students’ bravery, patriotism, and camaraderie. Eya’s action may cost her life but would be worth emulating. I did not understand at first but when I saw and talk to her that was when I realized. The first thing she asked for was her students’ safety, not hers and never would prioritize hers.

I could call her stupid for doing that but I guessed that was what Wy’s termed as passion. If I was passionate about my career as an actor, Eya was like that, too, in her field. And so, after a long while of thinking, I decided to join them.

“Are you sure about this, Yenna?” My manager, who was sitting on the couch, asked as if she still wanted to stop me from going.

She would send me at the airport. She said that was the least thing she could do for me.

I smiled at her. “Yeah. I guess, yes.”

She did not say a word anymore and helped me bring my things at the back of the car. My long-time driver would also drive me at the airport.

It was like a long ride. I talked to them about random things and even laughed with the memories we had shared with. I was laughing the whole time and was happy to share my memories, too, when all of a sudden, something hit the car.

My eyes widened. My breathing stopped midway. Memories of my life came flashing into my mind like a movie. Was this the feeling of someone when he was about to die? Seeing his life before his eyes?

I could see Wycliff’s smile. I could feel his hugs and taps on my head. Eya’s sweet eyes and laughter echoed to me. Our trips together… our first night out… the first time we met… the sweet moments… They were flashing before my eyes. I could see them waiting for me at the airport. Wycliff was calling for me. He even extended his hand to reach me. I wanted to hold his hand, but my world was spinning at the moment. I could not move my body. My breathing became something I was racing with. It was like a final breath.

Would I die?

Oh, my God. I still had a lot of things to do. My family and friends were waiting for me. My work was about to start.

But the blinding lights, the deafening sound, and the flash of the moment made me realized I did a good life. Though not yet finished with all my plans, I thought I had a good life. I made friends, I  was with my family, I worked in the field of my dream, I was about to start anew with the love of my life.

I guessed all good things had to end. And so my life.

Inklover: Ehlie of 2011

If I were given a time to return and talk to myself in the past, I’d choose to talk to my 2011 year old self. And this will be the content of my letter…

Ehlie of 2011,

One of the best things you could do in life is to enjoy every moment you have with your friends. The problem right now (2024) was that you do not socialize with people that often. Unless you are close and always interacting with them, you tend to slip away. Why? I am curious, too. Probably you grew up to be an introvert? Or because you just want to own your own world?

One thing, you also imagine a lot! Did you start doing that during that time? 2011? What year are you? Uh. Second year? Yeah. You are in second year. You have so many friends that time! You have so may fun memories, ones that I am still cherishing until this moment. Uh, look how young you are. Your only stress is how to get to school with stomach full in every day scenario. Right now, you are stressed with things. I wish you are enjoying your life.

Study well. You need to graduate. You want to be a teacher, aren’t you? You will. Just study smart and well. Do not procrastinate all the time. You can but do not overdo.

Please have a strong mind. Finish all things one at a time. Do not simultaneously do it. It will not help you out.

At that time, you are engrossed in writing. Keep all your stories. You will enjoy reading them when the time comes. Well, up until now you love writing. So do not stop writing good stories, Ehlie. However, your genre changes from time to time. At that time, you love romance and fantasy, now you like tragedy and morbid stories. The drastic change of your preference is beyond my imagination.

You also love watching mystery-thriller stories. You love sci-fi, too! Star Wars and Back to the Future are your favorites. You even watched them in DVDs! Alone.

Then, you tend to enjoy American series such as The Vampire Diaries, Supernaturals, Pretty Little Liars, The Originals, and One Tree Hill. You get an inclination with musical series, too. You love Camp Rock, Glee, and Highschool Musical. You also enjoy watching modelling, runways, and fashion show series and projects. Your love for dressmaking is resurfaced. You truly enjoy watching how intricate it is to make clothes.

How I miss those days. They are fun and relaxing at the same time. Those are the days that have completed my being. Now, you tend to read, watch, and write stories that are tragic. Historical fiction is still your favorite genre. And watching documentaries is still a hobby. Remember how you always wake up at four in the morning just to watch GMA 7‘s Opening Ceremony and I-Witness? You do not wake that early na because you already know how to use YouTube.

You will love One Direction, too. You being a fan exceeds to staying four hours in a computer shop just to download all the videos and music of them. You are totally engrossed with them especially Niall Horan. Up until now, you love him still. Then, you start liking boy bands of the 90’s, Westlife, Backstreet Boys. Even The Queen and Boyzone. Till now, their music is in your playlist.

You also engage in radio texting to greet people or even request a song! How time flies so fast. Well, this is life.

You will be in your third year in high school, right? You only have two close friends, Rhea and Eloiza. You have drifted apart in my time. That’s okay. That’s time’s work. You are still acquainted by heart. Don’t worry.

That is your worst year level in high school. You enjoy it but you do not at the same time. I do not want to elaborate because you must feel the emotions. You must experience those things to be who you are today. They are petty things actually (if I am reminiscing it today). Because it is normal to experience those. So, you do not need to worry, Ehlie. You are going to be good.

You will try to engage in COC, planning to be a CAT Officer. But you will quit. Haist. You will not regret naman. Everything happens for a reason, girl. And so, just enjoy your life. I do not regret anything now. Just go with the flow.

Don’t change anything. Just enjoy.

Love,

Ehlie of 2024

SS – A Peculiar Wallflower

Another tiring day was about to pass

I took a deep breath and inhaled the advent of solitude that would inarguably welcome me once I went home. I smiled – one that was sweet. Just by thinking of my bed and pillows exalted my being. This was one of the vantages of being a wallflower –- freedom.

I wondered if people like me felt the same way I did. Was it just me? Or everyone else was just like me? Uh, bother not. What mattered the most was I enjoyed life in my own perspectives.

I stared at the screen of my laptop, contemplating what to do next for I had lots on my plates at the very moment. Then, my stares went to the class records I needed to finish.

What a life.

I started doing my thing with my earphones on. I needed all the concentration I could muster. Therefore, no one must disturb my little bubble I build around my façade. Good thing my colleagues knew what I was like whenever I kept my distance. I thought they would be aloof with me because I was like that to them. On the contrary of what I was thinking, they were amicable. They understood a wallflower such as me.

It was quarter to four when I started fixing my things. It was time to go home. I did the usual routine of going out while earphones on. I was quite enjoying Press Hit Play’s rendition of Mahal Pa Rin Kita. It was addicting. How could someone love that endlessly? How could love make us do all the stupidest things? I wondered. I did not need to know the answers though. It would just be a waste of time knowing.

I treaded the same path my feet were used to. I became cautious when in a certain path I was about to take catered a crowd. There were murmurs.

“Oh no. When did they last see him?”

“Is he really… Oh, my goodness.”

“Was it that brutal?”

My brows furrowed. What were they talking about? I slowly traipsed the path until I had reached a group of Marites I knew. They were in my neighborhood. What were they doing here?

“Ma’am!”

I stopped walking and sought for the caller. My eyes landed to a plump woman waving at me. She’s Manang Tes, member of the Marites club. What a name.

Someone pulled me closer to their group. I wanted to shout but I remained dignified. I was wearing my school uniform, so I better behave.

“Do you know Arnold, Ma’am?” one asked.

“Uh, Arnold?” I did not get it at first. Who was Arnold?

“He’s your neighbor, Ma’am! And he has been found dead just this afternoon.”

“What? Arnold? You mean Arnie? The one who delivers newspapers?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

He was dead? Oh.

Without further asking questions, I was able to gather all the information. The club fed me with all the information (should I call them as gossips?) I did not intend to know. Arnold was found dead by the street sweeper. He was inside a sack, butchered almost half of his body. Probably to fit him in a sack, half of his body was cut into pieces. The were intact still but inside the sack.

My body got goosebumps. How could someone do that was unfathomable. Arnold was a fine kind man. He always smiled and had a joyful aura. Why would someone do that to him?

I went home immediately. I did not bother staying long because my stomach was acting weird. I could not take the smell of the corpse when people pulled the body out of the sack.

That was horrible.

I tried to wash away all the thoughts of this afternoon but to no avail. The murmurs kept me awake that I had to stay away from my bed and forcefully opened my laptop to do some pending tasks. I was supposed to do them tomorrow, but the incident of this afternoon bothered me a lot.

It was almost half an hour when I decided to go out and drink some milk. I went to the kitchen and prepared a warm milk when I suddenly saw some reddish mark on the countertop. What the hell. I cleaned that area this morning. Why did it have some marks?

Annoyed, I got the rag and started scratching the reddish mark. It took me a while to wash away the mark but for some reasons, another reddish mark was spotted. I glared at the mark and followed if something was still the same. To my surprise, there were droplets of the reddish mark on the floor. They were like a pattern as if someone deliberately walk from the outside and left marks.

What on Earth?

I followed the marks until I reached the backdoor in the dirty kitchen. I found myself staring at a shirt that was color red.

I immediately reached out to my nose when a pungent smell welcomed me. What was that smell? It was disgusting. Like a smell of what transpired this afternoon.

Huh?

I stepped out to scrutinize that hung t-shirt. It was really red, not the original color, but like a color and smell of… blood?

I fell a step backward and open-mouthed gazed at the shirt. Who owned it? It was not mine for sure. I did not have any red shirt.

I returned inside and checked for any thing that would have a clue of what was happening. The striking glare of my meat cutter made me stop on my track. It was, as my eyes could point out, the cutter was bloody red.

I held the meat cutter. It was kind of heavy and big. It was covered in red.

Suddenly, flashed of memories returned. My eyes suddenly went blank. The event of yesternight came and saw something that shocked the hell out of me.

What in a sorcery was that?

The wailing of a siren echoed in the neighborhood. I was dumbfounded. I dropped the cutter and was immovable for a second.

What had happened?

---

ER Baguinaon (05192024)

SS – Still, Unlikely

“I’m fine.”

That was his phrase before the line ended. My heart melted. My mind was troubled. My friend of over a decade just single-flatly answered me in a nonchalant way – which was never him.

I wanted to cry. My mind panicked even before he answered the phone. I was anxious that he might do something fatuous. This was the reason I did not want to leave him alone. He’s stubborn and did things if he liked. He almost made me lose my breath because of his acts. But I understood him.

I truly understood his situation. If I were to be put into his shoes, I might do the same, even worse.

My heart ached as my brain racked all the stored memories. My reverie brought me the first time I met them. They were colleagues, I was a fan. I was rooting for them to date, that happened. Until they nearly got married but was hindered with destiny’s doing.

“If I were to die, Eya, I want you to look after Wy. He listens to you. He must live.”

My brows furrowed. “What on Earth?”

Why were we talking about dying? We were just watching her recent project! (which was tragic).

She giggled and ate the popcorn she got from my bowl. “Just because. We do not know the future, do we?”

I did not mind what she said that day. I never thought that joke to be something my mind would never forget. She made me promise to look after her boyfriend, who was also my best friend, if ever she died.

If only I knew, I would do everything to stop her from returning to her birth country. I would just cling on her to stop her doing whatever she had done that day.

It was heartbreaking to lose someone we cherished. We had shared so many moments together. We made fun of our own struggles. We conquered our own fears being by each other’s back. We were happy. But destiny had other plans. It was to let her stay far away from us.

“Eya, can you accompany Hanna-unnie?”

I looked up to see her brother’s sad eyes. He was looking in the front where Ate Hanna and Kuya Wy were sitting beside her bed. Yes. Her bed. What a beautiful and elegant bed she had.

“Okay. How’s tita?”

He gave me a sullen smile. I bit my lip to stop the tears from falling. I stood up and sat beside Ate Hanna whose eyes were a mirror of mine – bloodshot. I held her hand and smiled at her. She returned my smile, one that did not reach her eyes.

I gazed at Kuya Wy’s façade. He had been sitting there for quite a long time now. He was immovable. He could not entertain the guests who were visiting her. His eyes were blank. He was neither smiling nor crying. He had not cried yet. Since we boarded the plane, to the hospital, and here, I had not seen him cry. That worried me. He was never like that. He easily cried over small and petty things that she found funny all the time. At this moment, he went blank.

There were moments when he was out of himself. He was living, yes, but just living for the sake of living. It seemed he lost his purpose in life. He was with us, but he was not. His mind was in reverie all the time. My heart was breaking whenever he was like that especially that he never let me see his breakdown. He was keeping everything to himself.

I was on my toes every time he seemed to be far. I promised to keep him safe, to keep him living. I would look after him from time to time. I was enjoying the task, but it was with great responsibility to let him have his joyous life once more. His heart was not with him anymore. Yenna seemed to have it. And there was no way we could get it.

I patiently waited for a day to pass by. I knew he was at her place. I just knew it. Whenever he went off grid, he was with her. I was quite sure he would not try to do any stupid things with her beside him. He would be embarrassed. But it was when he was all alone that made my heart raced too fast.

The next morning, my husband and I went to his lonely abode. It was early than my usual routine of checking on him. I just wanted to see what he was up to. I had hopes he would be okay after a day of spending it with her.

We slowly walked in the sala only to be greeted by silence. Was he home?

I called him out. My voice just echoed. I went straight to his room only to be shown a sight that would indeed haunt me forever. His dancing feet welcomed my bare face.

I shrieked.

I ran as fast as I could to get the fallen chair and stood on it to hug his body. My tears were falling and my cries were echoing in his room. My husband saw what was happening and immediately got something to cut the rope. That damn thick rope left a red-bruised mark on his neck.

I was calling out his name and tapping his face repeatedly. I was crying and begging him to wake up. I already lost Yenna. What if I lost him, too? Oh, my God! 

“Kuya… please… please… Yenna asked you to protect me, too, right? Why are you leaving me?”

I sobbed so hard while caressing his face. His eyes were closed, and I could only tap him and call out to him. Oh, my God. He was not breathing anymore.

My husband got him from my hold and did a resuscitation. I tightly held his hand while crying my heart out. I could barely see his face because of my tears. All sounds were inaudible because I could only hear my wails.

The moment was a blur. And when he coughed after a long while, I cried harder.

He was never fine, and he would never be fine without her. But I was going to keep my promise – that I would make him live his life. Even if he would hate me, I would make sure not to remove my eyes off him anymore. He scared me.

He had lied all these times. I would make sure he could never again.

______________________________________________________________________________________May 17, 2024

SS – Still, Nevermore

The day seemed to end in just a blink of my eyes. It was dark and gloomy, signaling that it might rain anytime soon.

I opened the window and gazed at the darkened skies. The breeze of the second month’s wind kissed my being. It was cool. But not enough to mend my dismal heart. It appeared to be joining the party of a distant blear of the day skies.

The day ended just like the usual routine. Students greeted when I tread my way home. I returned the greetings with a smile that I was quite sure I perfectly mastered way back. A smile that would lighten up the people’s mind but never mine.

The slow speed of the traffic made me think of the distant memories glooming around. I blinked to cast away the tears. Lately I noticed that I got to be easily teary-eyed. Was it because of too much radiation for I used computers for quite a long time becaus of grades, syllabus, presentations, and such? Or was it because my dreaded day was about to come? Again. It was an annual process. I never and would never get used to it.

Amidst the dusk’s congested highway, my best friend called. For a moment, I let my phone rung and just peered at the name appearing. I wanted to laugh. I did not know for what reason though. I just wanted to have a laughter for this friend of mine never failed to call me at this time. Was she thinking that I might do something stupid? Probably yes. So, I answered the call.

“Do tell me that you didn’t just ignore my call for almost a minute.” Her voice was like a sound to my ear. It was reassuring to hear her speak because she almost sounded like her.

I cleared my throat. “Uh, no?”

“Liar. You should have taken a law course.”

I smirked. “Shall I?” Why not, right? I thought I had been lying to myself for a quite a long time, so why not?

“No. You are already busy with all the things you are doing, and you want to add another headache? Oh, please.” She sounded that she was so done with me.

Well, I couldn’t help it. For ten years, I had been living my life like this.

Wow. Ten years? Was it that long? Had it been a decade already?

My heart sank. Something’s building up in my throat I had to clear it. My eyes watered but I immediately stopped the pool of tears that were about to cascade. I should not cry. I promised her that I would cry no more, that I would live my life to its fullest without being engulfed by sadness.

But it was difficult. People said the time healed all wound. When would it mend mine? When would I no longer seeing the rays of sunshine? It had been so long. The memories were yet still a flash of vivid streak of drama scenarios. Probably this was the consequences of my choices before.

When I was younger and still at the prime of my previous career, people were asking me why I liked tragic endings. I just shrugged my shoulder and laughed at their frustrations with me because I enjoyed tragedy so much that I did not expect it would come to me and would really hit me hard. This was my life – a ball of tragedy.

Then she came. We played the main leads in a project. We did not totally know each other. However, I already knew her years prior in a dinner party we both attended. Since then, I had started following her movies and dramas. I could not tell if I was a fan, but I really liked her acting. When that drama where she would play the female lead was offered to me, I gladly accepted. Who was I to reject? When it ended, we remained friends until my confession.

She was a sunshine. She was bubbly and fun to be with. There were no dull moments when we were together because we made fun of all things. Her smiles would radiate even a mile away. She made me doubt my capabilities for me to explore beyond what I could do. Her bright personality brought the best out of me.

We became the best of friends together with another friend who at that time was her fan. They became close and eventually became my best friend, too. We were living a happy life. They let me try to go back to school and take a course that I never thought I would take in my entire life. I thought I would die as an actor. But I guessed not. Because I enjoyed my time at school and the job it offered upon completion, I decided to change career. She was the first one who encouraged me to follow my heart. She supported me all throughout.

It was a sunny and windy February when I received a call that would change my life forever. That time, my mind went blank. She left me. I was left devastated and broken. I thought we would last forever, that was a promise we made. We were about to get married that year. She was about to embrace the new life I was living, was about to leave everything behind and start over. However, she left me. Imagine how my life turned 360 degrees. I was immovable. I did know what to think. My mind was in haywire. I forgot how t breathe for a moment. But destiny was indeed toying with me. It still let me live, – broken and wretched.

“Kuya? Hello? Still there?”

My foggy eyes went to look at the screen. My friend was still on the line.

“Kuya Wy?”

I sensed a frightened voice. My friend’s voice was shaking. While I was still in a distant place, far away from the busy streets.

“Oh, my God. Kuya? You are making me worried. Brent! Brent! Kuya Wycliff hung up on me but he’s still on the line. Oh, my God!”

Her panicking voice over the phone slightly woke me up from my reverie. She was calling out her husband and crying my name as if I would do something she had always been worrying.

“I’m fine.”

I was glad I heard my voice. There were times that I got to forget I was talking to her. She reminded me of her. She brought memories that would forever be etched in my broken heart.

“Please don’t do something crazy. Please?”

I did not know if I answered her begging question. I just found myself boarding a plane and going back to her place. I did not care if people would see me. I thought, I just have a thought that I wanted to be with her. Should I take all odds and be with her? I did not know if she was happy to where she was. Was she enjoying her life while I was disconsolate and somber? How could she do this to me?

The guard greeted me despite the shock seeing me storming the gate in a midnight. I stepped on the cold grass. The place welcomed me in a stern manner, as if scolding me for disturbing the peaceful yet eerie abode.

The lights were all on. I slowly traipsed the guided path illuminated by shallow lights. I just walked as if my feet already knew my destination.

My heart was aching. My body was shivering from the cold. My mind was somersaulting. I did not know what to do.

Then, my feet reached her place. I was just there standing and reading the engraved lines of her name. Memories of her flooded my frenzy mind. My hand automatically reached out for her.

“Hi. Are you feeling cold?” My trembling voice echoed.

I was waiting for her reaction. I got a light gentle wind for an answer. I laughed. And the place laughed with me. But no reaction.

“You’re so cold. The place is and then you are. How could you?” I wanted to blame her for my solace but she was just too precious to be blamed for something she had no control over. Destiny was at fault. Gone too soon, gone forever.

The pools of tears started cascading down my face. I knew I had promised her the last time I visited that I would cry no more. But promises were made to be broken. And so my tears, my feelings, my love.

Insights, Dear Philippines

Dear Philippines,

You have been there when I get to see a light of this world. You have provided shelter, care, love, and all as I grow up. I admire you so much. I read all books of you and your diversified nature when I start learning reading words. I want to explore your glorified, majestic, and hidden sanctuaries. However, things change.

You have been taken for granted, my love. You have been wrecked by single-minded individuals who only think for their own benefits. Your beautiful sceneries are gradually depleting their aesthetic and majestic values. Your wonders are no more wonders to our naked eyes.

How ironic. You love and care for your people but your people return the worst version of paying back – destroying you.

Why do these things happen? What shall we do? The value? The culture? Our beliefs? They have all changed.

I love you. You know that. I really do. However, with all those people in power, I do not think I can boastfully tell the world I am a Filipino. Because right now, Filipinos are being known to destroy your wonders and historical sites in a gradual manner. I hate it. I hate how I do not have the power to stop those despicable things they are doing to your body.

Money has its perks. And one of those is to hurt you.

I am sorry, deeply sorry for what they did. I guess, it’s time to return to how people were in the old times?

Respectful, resourceful, and resilient. Now, no more.

Let me love you back in my own time. I will do, for sure. It might take time but please know I am just still here, thinking and loving you secretly.

Thank you.

SS – Moment of Indulgence

Madilim pa ang bahay pagkauwi ko. Kunot ang noo na tinignan ko ang orasan sa bisig. Wala pa ba si Jared? Pasado 7:00 na ng gabi.

“Jared?” I called out while turning on the lights. Walang sagot. Siguro nga hindi pa siya nakauuwi.

I put my bag on the table. Nakapapagod ang araw ngayon dahil sa sobrang daming ganap sa school. Na-i-stress na ako pero kinakaya pa. Kailangang maging busy para sa mental health ko.

I closed my eyes and leaned on the table. Limang minuto siguro akong nakatungo bago ako umayos para magluto. Jared would be pissed kapag wala pa ring pagkain at ako naman ang naunang nakauwi. Usapan kasi namin kung sino ang mauna ay siya na ang maghahanda ng food maliban na lang kung may mag-volunteer.

While preparing for the food, panay ang tingin ko sa phone. Wala pa rin siyang text kung uuwi siya o hindi. Normally kasi nagpaparamdam siya sa text kapag hindi siya uuwi or hindi siya rito kakain. Busy lang din siguro siya.

Natapos na ako magluto at maghanda ng pagkain. Nakapag-ayos na rin ako ng sarili. Nakapaglinis na rin ako ng salas pero wala pa si Jared. Nagugutom na ako. Siguro iinitin ko na lang pagkain niya mamaya. Mauuna na akong kumain. I still needed to finish some forms.

Ganoon na nga ang nangyari. Hindi ko na hinintay si Jared. Past 10 pm na rin ayon sa wall clock sa sala pero wala pa siya. I did not want to worry kasi mas lalo akong na-stress kaso wala naman kasing paramdam iyong tao!
Tinigil ko ang pagta-type sa laptop at tinawagan ko ang phone niya. Walang sagot kahit nakailang try na ako. Tinawagan ko na lang tuloy ang matalik niyang kaibigan. Nakailang ring pa bago iyon nasagot.

“Yes, Nikka?”

“Hi, Perth! Sorry sa istorbo. Tanong ko lang kung kasama mo ba si Jared? Wala pa kasi siya sa bahay.”

“Oh. Hindi ba siya tumawag? Kakahiwalay lang namin. Pauwi na iyon. Nagkatuwaan kasi sa office. Birthday ng isang engineer.”

“Aw. Okay. Hindi niya kasi sinasagot ang call ko. Pero thank you, Perth! Sorry ulit sa istorbo.”

I ended the call afterwards. Nakahinga na ako nang maluwag. Hindi man namin ginagampanan ang pagiging mag-asawa talaga pero iyong pagmamahal ko sa kaniya hindi naman nawawala kaya nag-aalala ako nang ganito.

Jared and I were married because we did something only married couple could do. Bilang paggalang sa nakalakihan naming relihiyon, he asked to marry me. Hindi kami mag-boyfriend. Magkaibigan lang na nauwi sa kung saan kaya heto kami ngayon. Natali sa isang relasyon na walang kasiguraduhan.
We were afraid that I would get pregnant. Sobrang laking dagok kasi noon kapag nagkataon. Ang dami naming madadamay na tao lalo na ang parents niya. So, out of nowhere ay nag-propose siya sa akin. I was hesitant at first because it shouldn’t be that way. Ayoko ring makarinig ng kung anong tsika about sa pagmamadali ng kasal. Hindi ko kayang magsinungaling sa harap ng parents niya pati ng akin. But Jared insisted that he must act up as a man and whether I was pregnant or not, he would marry me because of what happened.

So, our wedding was done. Luckily, wala namang nakaalam sa set up namin. We acted as a couple na hindi showy. Then, five months later, we were married. At makalipas ang tatlong taon, magkaibigan pa rin naman kami. It’s just that I had a one-sided love. He only saw me as his little sister and a friend but never his wife. It’s okay though. At least, I could be there for him with all means.

Almost 11:00 p.m. nang marinig kong bumukas ang pinto. I stood up and walked forward to meet Jared. For sure siya lang naman iyon. And there I saw him changing his shoes to house slippers.

“Hey. You’re still up?” He asked nang makita akong nakatayo sa harap niya.

Tumango ako. “Gumagawa ako ng forms ko. Saka hinintay na rin kita. Gabing-gabi ka na?”

“Oh. That. Yeah. Nagpa-party sa office. Hindi ko mahindian.”

“Kumain ka na ba? If kakain ka, papainitin ko lang iyong nasa mesa.”

“Okay. I’ll just change my clothes. I’ll eat. A moment.”

Pinainit ko ang niluto kong pagkain at hinandaan na rin siya. Hindi siguro siya nakakain sa office.

“Perth said you called.”

Nilingon ko siya habang binababa ang plato sa mesa. “Oo. Hindi ka kasi nag-re-reply sa texts and calls ko.”

“Sorry. Hindi ko napansin ang tawag and texts. Kanina pa lowbatt ang phone ko. Ka-open ko lang. He called.”

“It’s okay. Here. Kain ka na.” Inusog ko banda sa kaniya iyong ulam at umupo na rin. One thing I noticed about him, hindi siya makakain nang maayos kung wala siyang kasabay. Kaya kahit tapos na akong kumain ay naglagay na lang ako ng bread and milk sa akin.

“Can you wake me up tomorrow morning? Baka makatulugan ko. It’s really not good kapag sumasama ako sa kanila. Tsk.”

“Sure.” Tupad niya bukas. Alam ko naman ang oras na dapat gisingin siya. Naka-set na rin sa akin iyon kahit hindi niya sabihin.

“Tupad mo rin, right?”

Tumango ako. “Yup. No worries. Naka-alarm naman na iyong phone ko.”

“Okay.”

We ate in silence. After niyang kumain ay ako na ang nagprisinta na magligpit. He looked so tired. Siguro napilitan talaga siyang sumama sa party. Hindi naman kasi siya party-goer.

I finished my forms before midnight. Tulog na si Jared sa kwarto niya habang ako ay gising pa ang diwa. Tapos na ako sa forms pero nakatitig pa rin ako sa laptop at iniisip ang sitwasyon namin. Well, okay na ito. Jared’s a good man and companion. He never let me feel outcast. He introduced me as his wife to anyone asking. Mas okay ito. Unrequited love sucked but it’s better than stay as friends without direction. Atleast, we’re married.

Sabay kaming tumupad ni Jared kinabukasan. I felt so alive despite the lack of sleep. Probably because today’s a special one. It’s our third anniversary as husband and wife. Hindi ko alam kung tanda pa niya or what. Muntik ko na rin malimutan. Naabutan ko ang notes sa phone kaninang umaga na today’s the day kaya naman naalala ko. It’s not totally special naman. For me lang. Okay lang naman. It’s not like we’re really ‘that’ married.

I shrugged my thoughts off at nag-focus sa pagsamba at tupad. Dala ko na rin lahat ng gamit ko kasi didiretso ako sa school. Iniwan ko na lang sa kotse. Jared would drop me off sa school since way rin naman iyon sa pagpasok niya. Hindi na hassle.

“Papasok na ikaw, bebs?” Bati ng kaibigan ko at kasamahan sa tungkulin. Katulad ko ay mukhang diretso na rin siya sa pasok. Pareho kaming nasa dressing room at nagpapalit ng uniform. Sabay na rin kami lumabas.

“Yes, bebs. Ingat ka ” I kissed her cheek.

“Ditto, bebs. May kasabay ka na ba? Ah, Jared. Hoy, Jared!”

Napailing ako nang matanaw ni Maycee si Jared na naghihintay sa labas ng sasakyan. Hindi alam ni Maycee ang sitwasyon ng kasal ko. Actually, kaibigan niya talaga una si Jared since birth. Parents kasi nila ay magkaibigan. Dito na rin sila sa lokal na ito lumaki. Lumipat lang naman ako rito noong na-permanent ako sa school.

Jared lazily looked at us. Umangat ang kilay niya at nagtatanong ang mata kung bakit siya tinawag ni Maycee.

Inilingan ko siya kasi feeling ko iba na naman tumatakbo sa isip ng kaibigan namin na ‘to.

“Kailan niyo ko balak bigyan ng pamangkin ni Nikka? Aba, tumatanda na kayo. Ikakasal na rin ako lahat-lahat pero wala man lang improvement?”

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako. Maycee and her lines.

“Tinanong mo ba si Shandel kung magpapakasal talaga siya sa ‘yo? Don’t be too assuming.”

“At iniiba mo na naman ang topic.”

“Let it rest, Maycee.”

Marahang hinila na ako ni Jared at sinakay sa passenger’s seat. I waved Maycee goodbye na masama pa rin ang tingin kay Jared.

May sinabi pa siya pero hindi ko na marinig kasi nasa loob na ako ng sasakyan. Nakita ko na lang na tinalikuran ni Maycee si Jared na natatawa. Lumingon pa si Maycee sa akin para mag-wave rin. I returned it back.

“Ano pang sinabi ni Maycee?” Tanong ko nang makapasok si Jared sa sasakyan.

“Nothing serious. Magsusumbong daw siya kay mommy.”

Napangiti na lang ako at inayos na ang seatbelt. Well, it’s normal. Marami na nagtatanong sa akin dito sa lokal kung bakit hindi pa kami nagkakaanak. Tatlong taon na kaming kasal as of today. Naunahan pa raw kami ng mga kinasal after namin. Ang iba, dalawa na anak.

Hindi naman namin pinag-uusapan iyon. Nakasanayan na rin naman namin. Minsan nga tinanong na ako ng mommy niya kung gusto ko raw ba magpasama sa OB na kilala niya para ma-check ako saka siya. Baka raw kasi may problema sa isa sa amin. How could I say na hindi talaga kami magkakaanak kasi wala namang nangyayari?

“I’ll get an earful from mommy again. Baka tawagan ka niya ulit,” bahagya niya akong nilingon para sabihin iyon. Palabas na kami ng compound ng kapilya.

“It’s okay,” ani ko. I knew what to tell her naman na.

Hindi na kami nagsalita. Noong malapit na ako sa school ay saka siya umimik ulit.

“What time’s your out, Nikka?”

Napalingon ako sa kaniya habang nagtatanggal ng seatbelt. “Usual out ko ay 4 p.m. pero dahil nag-aasikaso kami ng stage for the upcoming event, baka six na? Why?”

“I’ll fetch you later. Dinner tayo sa labas.”

“Hindi ka ba busy?” Tanong ko. Usually kasi late na talaga siya nakauuwi lalo na kapag may big project siya na need matapos.

“Not really. Message me when you’re done.”

“Oh. Okay.” I struggled getting my bag na nasa likod kaya lumabas na ako ng sasakyan.

Lumabas din si Jared na mas nauna nakuha ang gamit ko.

“I’ve been thinking…”

Napatingin ako sa kaniya nang iabot niya ang bag ko at paperbag. “Na?” I was waiting for him to continue the talk. Nakatingin lang siya at biglang umiling sabay ngiti.

“Nevermind.”

“Sure?” Paniniyak ko. Kinuha ko na ang gamit sa kaniya.

“Yeah. Take care.”

“Ingat ka rin. Message mo ako kapag nakarating ka na. Don’t make me worry.”

Naalala ko na naman iyong kaba ko kagabi.
Natawa siya at bahagyang ginulo ang buhok ko. “Sure. Go. Pasok ka na.”

“All right. Bye.” Kinawayan ko siya at naglakad na papasok sa school. Kinikilig ako nang bahagya. Why held my hair, Jared? Mas lalo akong nahuhulog sa iyo.

True to his words, after twenty minutes ay minessage niya ako na nasa office na siya. Kinilig na naman ako. He’s making my day extra special.

Ten to six ay tapos na kami sa pag-aayos ng stage. Jared also messaged na nasa labas na siya. Nagmamadali akong bumalik sa faculty para makapag-ayos.

“Nasa labas na raw ang asawa mo, Ma’am Nikka,” sabi ng kasamahan ko.

“Ay. Sige po, Ma’am Jen. Thank you sa pag-inform.”

“Sana all sinusundo!” Sigaw naman ng isa pa. Nagtawanan kami. Nagpaalam na rin ako sa kanila na mauuna na.

Everyone around us thought that we were a sweet couple. Hindi man daw ganoon ka-showy pero parang deep inside, mahal na mahal daw namin ang isa’t isa. I wanted to laugh. Ako, oo. Mahal ko siya talaga. But I did not know if he did.

“Hi!” Sabi ko paglabas ng gate. Kausap niya iyong guard ng school at mukhang nagpaalam na para salubungin ako. Nginitian ko si Manong Jay.

“Maligayang Linggo ng Wika, Ma’am Nikka!” Biro niya.

Natawa ako. At biglang na-conscious nang makitang naka-porma siya. Mukhang nakapagpalit siya ng damit.

Siya na ang naglagay ng gamit ko sa likod ng sasakyan.

“Paano mo nalamang ‘Linggo ng Wika’ ngayon?”

“Manong Jay said you’re busy raw with the preparation for the event tomorrow. And it has something to do with Language. This month’s August. Language. So, Wikang Filipino.”

“How’s your day?” I asked after laughing a bit. He looked comical telling that.

“Fine.” He started the car. “Perth closed a deal with Friniggan and Cos Inc. We’ll directly be in close contact with Jaurez Architectural Firm.”

“Jaurez?” Napatingin ako sa kaniya. He glanced for a second. Napakunot ang noo ko. It sounded familiar to me.

“Yeah. It will be hectic starting Monday. We’re about to build the airport in Bocaue.”

“Wow!” Namilog ang nga mata ko. “That’s nice! Congratulations, Jared!”

Tipid na nginitian niya ako. Parang balewala lang sa kaniya na na-close nila ang ganoon kalaking deal.

“Thanks. I wasn’t aiming for that though.”

“Hala ka. Bakit naman? Mas makikilala ang firm ninyo kapag natapos ang project.”

Hindi na siya nagkomento. “How’s your prep for tomorrow?” Pag-iiba niya ng tanong.

“Okay na. Tapos naman na. Event na lang ang hintayin bukas and all will be set,” sagot ko. “Let’s have this dinner as a celebration for your deal.”

“Uh-huh. Huwag na. I’d like to keep this as a celebration of our anniv. Much better.”

Namilog na naman ang nga mata ko sa gulat. He remembered! Napakurap-kurap ako at napangiti na lang. That’s… sweet.

“Mom called. She wants us to dine with them tomorrow night. Are you busy on Saturday?”

“Hindi naman. Yup. Nasabi na rin niya sa akin kanina. Doon na raw tayo matulog.”

“Okay. You know the drill. Ang hirap hindian ng nanay ko.”

Napangiti ako. Yeah. Mommy Jes was a doting mom to Jared. Nag-iisang lalaki lang kasi siya at bunso pa kaya sa kaniya nabuhos lahat ng pag-aalaga ng mommy nila.

“Let’s visit your parents on Sunday, too.”

“Sure. Nami-miss ka na raw ni mama.” My mama also adored him. My parents had been wanting to have a son pero ako lang ang binigay kaya natutuwa sila kay Jared.

Jared made a reservation in a fancy restaurant along Commonwealth near PhilCOA. Marami na ang tao but the receptionist ushered us at the far corner of the place, iyong hindi gaanong matao at tanaw pa ang mga sasakyan sa ibaba.

“Ang ganda naman dito,” hindi ko mapigilang turan.

“Yeah. And food’s to your liking, too.”

“Really?” Tanong ko pagkaupo.

Inabutan na kami ng waiter ng menu kaya namili na ako. Some of the food were foreign to me kaya hindi rin ako ang namili. Si Jared na ang namili for us. I trusted him naman. He knew what I’d like and where I was allergic to.

We started eating while talking random stuffs. This was what I like the best. We sometimes ate out. Siya ang laging nan-t-treat. He kept on insisting kasi na he’s the head of the family so responsibility niya ako. I was just speechless.

“Nikka, I have this thought for a while now.”
I looked up to see Jared’s serious facade. Dessert na ang nakahain sa harap namin at nilalantakan.

“Oh? Ang ano?” Pinunasan ko ng napkin ang sulok ng bibig and faced him.

“We’ve been married for quite some time now. And everyone’s been asking why we weren’t having a child.”

Nahugot ko ang hininga. One thing I really liked with Jared was his candid demeanor. He said what he wanted to say. He did what he had promised.

“Then, this thought of ‘why not make it real’ struck me. Why not make this real, yeah? We’re comfortable with each other. Our families get along. Feelings will be developed sooner or later if we act as couple for real.”

Speechless. He never failed to render me speechless. He’s too forthright!

He gave me a lopsided grin. “I knew it’s too shocking. I was shocked by my thoughts, too. But I needed to say this. If I do not act out now, when will I have the courage?”

“Jared…” Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin! How should I respond?

“Perth is going to be a father soon. He is in euphoria to do anything serious these past few days. I wanna experience that feeling, too.”

Iyong tibok ng puso ko hindi ko na maramdaman. Sobrang bilis! Parang may mga dagang nagtatakbuhan. Hindi ko alam kung anong pinakapunto niya. He wanted a kid? He wanted to make this marriage real?

“Mommy is bugging me– Hey, why are you crying?” Jared stood and went on my side. He held my left cheek.

Napakurap ako. I felt my eyes were dampened with tears. Napahawak ako sa kanang pisngi. Basa. Why was I crying?

“I-I’m sorry,” ani ko. I could not take all his words! Feeling ko hindi ako makahihinga.

Pinunasan ko ang mga pisngi. Jared did, too, gamit ang tissue na nasa table. Siya na rin ang nagtuloy magpunas sa mukha ko.

“I am just sharing my thoughts about this and you are already crying? What if I confess my feelings? Baka hindi mo na ako maintindihan.”
Napatingin ako sa kaniya nang sabihin iyon. He was smiling widely. What the hell?

“Kidding!” Tawa niya.

Hindi ako makahuma. Nang masiguro niya na okay na ako at hindi na iiyak (talagang sinabi niya rin iyan) ay bumalik na siya sa pwesto niya.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko natapos ang dinner na iyon nang matiwasay. Hanggang sa byahe ay natutulala ako sa mga pinagsasabi ni Jared. Buti na lang at tumawag ang mama at na-distract ang isip ko.

“Ma?”

I saw Jared glanced at my side. Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa phone.

“Hello, Nikka, anak. Nag-text si Jared kanina. Pupunta raw kayo rito sa Linggo?” Dinig ko ang kasiyahan sa boses ni mama. Minsan lang nga naman kasi kami makadalaw nang sabay.

“Opo.”

“Sige-sige. Maghanda raw kami sabi ng papa mo. Dito na kayo matulog, a? Nasabi ko na rin sa reply sa asawa mo.”

“May pasok pa kami ng Lunes, Ma,” reklamo ko sa mahinang tinig. Start kaya ng work ni Jared sa bagong project nila. Malayo panggagalingan namin. Sa Bulacan pa sina mama.

“Mama?” Tanong ni Jared.

Tumango ako.

“Pakausap ako. Loudspeaker.”

Ni-loudspeaker ko ang phone at nilapag sa dashboard.

“Mama, see you sa Sunday!” Sabi agad ni Jared.

Masaya na naman ang mama ko. Sumalo pa sa usapan si papa na natutuwa talaga kay Jared.

After his talk to my mom, Jared held my hand. Nakangiti niya akong tinignan.

“Let’s make this work, Nikka.”

I beamed at him.

KISMET, The Encounter

“Good morning, Kuya Bong!” Maligayang bati ko sa gwardya sa pinapasukang school.

“Good morning, Ma’am Lhes! Maaga ka ngayon, a.”

Napabungisngis ako. “Ssh. Huwag kang maingay, Kuya. Minsan lang ito.” Lagi kasi akong dumarating na five minutes na lang ay late na. Minsan lang maaga lalo na kapag nasa bahay ang mga tukmol kong kaibigan.

Tinawanan ako ni Kuya Bong. Napailing na lang tuloy ako.

“Nga pala, may nag-iwan ng regalo sa iyo. Naka-basket. Heto, o.” Tinuro niya ang may kalakihang basket na may handle. Napakunot ang noo ko.

Lumapit ako at tinignan ang note. “For Ma’am Lhesly Pearl Gonzales. The key is with her. Please handle with care. It’s important,” basa ko. Napatingin ako kay Kuya Bong at itinuro ang sarili at basket.

Tumango siya. “Pangalan mo nakalagay, Ma’am. Nakita ko lang diyan sa gilid. Hindi ko napansin kung sino ang nag-iwan. Pinasok ko na ang muna. Medyo may kabigatan, e.”

Hinawakan ko ang basket at kinuha ang note. Muli kong binasa. Pamilyar ang sulat sa akin. Saan ko ba ‘to nakita?

Naka-lock ang basket. Nasa akin daw ang susi. Ibig sabihin kilala ko ang nagbigay. Sino?

I opened my bag para hanapin kung may compatible na susi sa basket lock. Hindi ako mapakali na mula nang mabasa ang sulat. Triny ko lahat ng susi na nasa key locket ko. Hanggang sa mahawakan ko ang susi ng locker na iniwan sa akin ng kaklase ko sa law school noong second year. Sandali. Kay Ayessa ba galing ito?

Minadali ko ang pagbukas. Ganoon na lang ang pagkagulat ko nang makitang isang sanggol ang nasa loob ng basket. Tulog na tulog ang baby na balot ng makapal na tela. May mittens pa siya. Mukhang isang linggo pa lang itong baby na ito.

“Hala. Bakit may baby diyan?” Kahit si Kuya Bong ay hindi makapaniwala.

Agad kong nilabas ng basket ang baby. Sobrang liit niya. Oh, my goodness. Sino ang naglagay sa baby na ito sa basket? Hindi man lang siya umiyak?

Nawindang ang mundo ko. Lalo nang mukhang naramdaman ng baby na may kumarga na sa kaniya. He started making small movements and forming an ‘o’ while opening his eyes. Pakurap-kurap pa siya. Mukha lang siyang bagong silang.

“Takte. Buti pala at hindi ko binagsak ang pagkakalapag ng basket kanina. Bakit may baby?” bulalas ng guard. “May papel na kasama, Ma’am Lhesly. Mukhang birth certificate ito.”

Mas lalo yata akong nawindang nang makita kung ano ang nakalagay sa birth certificate.

—

“What the fucking sorcery is this? Ikaw na ba ang modern version ni Mary?”

“Sssh,” sita ko sa kaibigan. “Josh, maingay ka.”

Hindi makapaniwala na muli niyang tinignan ang baby boy na karga-karga ko ngayon. Nasa bahay na ako ngayon. Um-absent na muna ako para dalhin sa hospital ang baby. Ginulo ko na rin ang mga kaibigan ko. Nagpasama ako sa hospital. Ilang oras ding nasa basket ang bata kaya baka kung mapaano. Dalawang linggong gulang pa lang naman ang baby na ito.

“Do you think it’s Ayessa’s?”

Napatingin ako kay Dustin na tumabi ng upo sa akin at hinawak-hawakan ang maliit na kamay ni Baby Iliad.

“Feeling ko. Siya lang naman ang may-ari ng susi ng basket. Kaya baka sya ang mama ng baby na ito.”

“Wow. Instant mommy na pala ikaw, Lhes?” Natawang sambit ni Haniel. Hawak-hawak niya ang birth certificate ng baby na kung saan pangalan ko ang nakalagay sa Mother’s Name. Lahat ng info ng mother ng baby ay mga information ko. Iliad Odysseus Marino Gonzales ang pangalan ng baby. Nakasunod sa name ko. Blanko ang name ng father.

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Anong nangyari kay Ayessa? Ayessa ay kaklase namin ni Dustin sa law school. Hindi siya nag-enrol ngayong first sem. Hindi rin namin siya makontak. Bigla siyang nawala na parang bula. Tapos ngayon nagkaroon na ako ng anak bigla?

“Let us ask around later. Last time I’ve heard, Ayessa’s still in Manila,” said Dustin.

Tumango na lang ako at muling tinignan ang baby. Pinainom na lang muna siya ng formula na binigay sa hospital kanina.

“The baby will need breastmilk, Lhes. Mayroon ka ba noon?” parang tangang tanong ni Josh.

Binato ko siya ng throw pillow na nahagip ng isang kamay ko. Tatawa-tawang inilagan niya lang iyon.

“Seriously though, he needs breastmilk. Hindi pwedeng formula lang. Gusto mo bang isama ko na muna siya sa hospital para makahanap ng pwedeng magpa-breastfeed sa kaniya?” Josh was a doctor nga pala. He’s just on a day off.

“Pwede kaya?”

“Is it safe?” tanong ni Dustin na kinuha sa akin si Baby Iliad. Kanina ko pa kasi siya karga dahil nag-iiyak na siya kapag binaba ko. Gusto niya yata ng warmth ng tao. Ilang oras kaya siyang nasa basket?

“Oo naman,” sagot ni Josh.

“My cousin Dara just gave birth last week. Baka pwedeng siya na lang magpadede kay baby Iliad?”

“Nanganak na ba si Dara? Kailan? Bakit hindi mo sinabi? Hindi pa tayo nakadalaw?” Nakakunot ang noo ni Josh kay Hans.

“Hindi ka naman nagtanong.”

“Kay Dara na lang?”

“Go. Pwede iyan,” sabi na lang ni Josh na lumapit na rin sa amin at dinungaw ang tulog na tulog na baby. “Kami na ni Hans ang magsasama sa kaniya kay Dara. You both try to find iyong kaklase ninyo para malaman kung bakit iniwan itong baby sa school at nakapangalan sa ‘yo.”

Napabuntong-hininga ako. “Hindi ko talaga alam kung si Ayessa nga. Wala siyang nakukwentong boyfriend niya.”

“Meron siguro. Remember, last year hindi nyo na siya nakita, ‘di ba?” Tanong ni Hans na hawak pa rin ang bcert.

“Bakit kanina mo pa hawak iyan?” Tanong ko.

“Wala lang. Ang ganda kasi ng name niya. Iliad Odysseus. Talagang sunod sa paborito mong kwento sa Greek mythology, ano?”

Napatingin silang tatlo sa akin. I sighed again. “Kailangan kong makausap si Ayessa. Bakit iniwan niya ang baby niya na nasa basket lang?”

“I guess she has a problem we’re unaware of. Let us just ask later.”

Tumango ako kay Dustin at muling sinulyapan ang baby. Mukhang magkakaroon na ako ng anak.

“Ayessa? No. I haven’t seen her since this sem began. Why?”

“Ah, wala naman. Just asking. Thank you, Jona.”

Tinanguan ako ni Jona na bumalik na sa pagbabasa sa netbook. Ako naman ay nagtanong-tanong pa sa mga kaklase. Maaga kaming pumasok ni Dustin para kumalap ng information about Ayessa. Makailang ulit ko muling tinawagan ang number niya ngunit hindi na nagri-ring ang number niya. Nagpalit siya ng number? Bakit hindi niya ako kinontak?

Hindi pa naman ako tiyak if siya nga ang mama ng baby but malakas ang kutob ko because of the key. Siya lang ang nagbigay sa akin ng susi ng locker niya sa school na ito. Pumunta ako sa Facility Custodian para ipagtanong if sinurrender na ba ni Ayessa ang locker, sabi yes daw. Two months ago lang daw ‘yon binalik. Hindi lang tiyak if si Ayessa ba ang nag-surrender. Hindi nila ako masagot.

Nakataas ang kilay na sinalubong ako ng tingin ng nakaupong Dustin. Hawak na niya ang IPad niya at mukhang nagbabasa na ng readings.

“Where have you been?”

“Sa Facility Custodian. Surrendered na raw ang locker ni Ayessa.”

Tumango siya. “We’ll look for her after class. For now, let us review. The beadle just mentioned we’ll have a quiz right after Prosec arrives.”

“Huh?” Hindi pa ako nakapag-re-review.

“Come on. I’ll review you.”

Laking pasalamat ko na ang talaga at kaklase at ka-bloc ko si Dust. Kung hindi baka nahirapan ako. Hindi ko kasi naman alam sa sarili ko kung bakit pinasok ko ang law school. Mahilig lang siguro ako sa challenge kaya pinatos ko ito. Naawa lang yata sa akin si Dustin noong nagre-review ako for entrance exam kaya sinamahan na niya ako. He’s a Registered Criminologist and a Psychologist, too. Genius kasi siya na grumaduate with double degree. Hindi namin alam nina Josh at Hans kung anong mayroon sa utak niya at napakatalino. Kasing-talino niya rin iyong crush ko rito sa law school. Kaso graduate na siya last year. Nag-take na rin siya ng exam nito lang at anytime now ay waiting na sa result. Graduate rin siya rito.

“Oh, my God!”

Natigilan ako sa pagbabasa nang tumili ang katabi ko sa upuan. Napatingin ko sa kaniya. Hawak niya ang phone habang nakatakip ang isang kamay.

“What?” Tanong ng kaibigan niya.

“Symon Buenaflor is dead!”

Napakunot ang noo ko. Buenaflor? Kamag-anak ng crush ko? Teka.

“What?”

Hindi na mapakali ang katabi ko. Feeling ko iiyak na siya sa gulat.

“Symon’s dead? How?” Mukhang narinig ng beadle namin usapan nila kaya lumapit siya sa aming pwesto.

“Car crash, Ben. He died on the spot. There’s a CCTV footage circling around. He crashed on a ten-wheeler truck.”

Napakurap-kurap ako. Sino ang tinutukoy nilang Symon Buenaflor? Kapatid ba siya ng crush ko na Buenaflor din? Apo rin ba siya ng residente ng bansa?

Binalik ko ang tingin kay Dustin na kumunot ang noo sa akin. “What?”

“Sino si Symon Buenaflor?” Bulong ko.

Tumingin siya sa mga katabi namin na nag-uusap pa rin about sa kung paano namatay ang tinutukoy nila.

“He’s the eldest grandson of the President.”

“Huh? Kuya ni Andrew?”

Kumunot ulit ang noo niya. “Andrew? Syrelle Andrew Von Sangles Buenaflor? An alumnus?”

“Yep. Kilala mo siya?” Tanong ko rin pero bigla kong napagtanto na malamang sikat ang pamilya nila sa school. Dito grumaduate buong pamilya niya batay sa mga nakalap kong impormasyon noong first year ako. Crush ko nga kasi siya.

“Who wouldn’t know him? He’s always the talk of the town.”

Napatango-tango ako. Tinitigan ko pa rin siya kasi feeling ko kilala niya si Andrew. Hindi lang niya pinahahalata. Siguro kilala niya talaga kasi galing sa affluent family si Dustin. His mother side was into politics.

Nakakunot pa rin ang noo niya sa akin. Siguro na-gets niya kung bakit ko siya tinititigan. Kulang kasi ang impormasyon na binibigay niya. Napabuntong-hininga na lang siya.

“He’s Uncle Serg’s godson, okay?” Tukoy niya sa bunsong kapatid ng mommy niya na isang senador.

“Okay.” So, kilala nga niya. Mabuti na lang pala at hindi ako nagkwento about sa crush-crush na iyan.

“Why are you curious about Andrew?” Tanong naman niya na mataman akong tinitigan.

Umismid ako at tinaasan siya ng kilay. “Hello? Sinong hindi macu-curious sa kaniya? Gwapo, mayaman, apo ng president, talented, at higit sa lahat lawyer?”

“You like him?” Direktang tanong niya.

Ang hirap sa mga bestfriend ko, masyado silang straight forward. Hindi nila alam ang salitang filter. Palibhasa mga laking may golden spoon sa bibig kaya ganiyan.

“Medyo,” pag-amin ko. Malalaman din naman nila. Tinago ko lang pero alam kong malalaman nila.

Hindi na nagsalita si Dustin. Ako naman ay binalik ang pakikinig sa usapan ng mga kaklase namin. May umiiyak na nga dahil sa pagkamatay noong Symon Buenaflor.

Nawala lang ang atensyon ko sa kanila nang makita ang text message ni Hans. Pinapadede na raw ng pinsan niya si Baby Iliad. Tinatanong daw kung saan galing ang baby. Ninakaw daw ba ni Josh sa hospital o ano. Natawa na lang ako habang pinapabasa kay Dust ang convo namin ni Hans.

After ng klase na puno ng kaba sa dibdib ay lumabas na kami ni Dustin. Pagkalabas ay huminga ako nang malalim. Ikaw ba naman tanungin ng kung ano-ano sa loob ng isang oras ay ewan ko na lang.

Dustin held me on my shoulder at tinulak para maglakad na. “You did great, kiddo. I’m proud.”

Ngumiti na lang ako habang pinapakalma ang sarili. “Deserve ko ng ice cream ngayon, Dust. Libre mo ‘ko.”

“I though no ice cream during weekdays?”

“But it’s Friday naman. Tomorrow Saturday. No class.”

“Okay.” Ginulo niya muna ang buhok ko bago ako hinatak palabas ng room.

Habang nasa daan patungo sa pinakamalapit na ice cream parlor ay dinig na dinig namin ang usapan about sa pagkamatay ng apo ng president. It was not an accident daw. Baka murder ang nangyari. Grabe na ang nangyayari sa mundo ngayon. Feeling ko malapit na talaga mag-end ang lahat. Ang daming ganap. Isa pa si Ayessa na hanggang ngayon ay hindi namin malaman kung nasaan.

Bumalik ang pag-aalala ko sa kaibigan. Hindi na ako mapakali kaya naman imbes na mag-ice cream ay niyaya ko si Dustin na pumunta sa condo kung saan nakatira si Ayessa.

“Matagal na siyang lumipat, Ma’am. Siguro five months na.”

“Huh?” Hindi ako makapaniwala. Kasi hindi naman niya nabanggit sa akin. Kami lang naman ni Dustin ang lagi niyang kasama-sama. Alam naming ang condo niya kasi minsan dito kami naglalagi. Nitong last sem lang ay hindi na kasi na-busy kami pare-pareho sa mga bagay-bagay.

“Do you know any information about the place she went to?”

“Ay, naku, Sir. Hindi po, e. Hindi ko na nakausap nga si Ma’am Ayessa kasi nagmamadali siyang umalis.”

Nanlulumo akong umupo sa passenger seat. Wala akong alam sa family background ni Ayessa. Hindi kasi siya palakwento. Ang alam ko lang ay mayaman siya kasi may sarili siyang condo at hindi niya kailangang magpakahirap sa trabaho dahil may dumarating na allowance sa kaniya monthly. Iyon ay ang mga alam ko lang. Hindi ko alam kung may iba pa ba siyang work.

“Am I a bad friend?”

Tinapunan ako ni Dustin ng tingin. “Why?”

I sighed at tumingin sa labas ng kotse. Pauwi na kami ng Bulacan. Tapos na naman ang isang linggo ng buhay ko pero ang dami na nangyari.

“Wala kasi akong alam na info about Ayessa na. Hindi namin napagku-kwentuhan ang family niya.”

“That’s okay. Don’t be sad about it. Some people like keeping this for themselves. Just let them be.”

Hindi na ako umimik kasi may punto nga naman siya but still nakalulungkot pa rin.

I just browsed my phone para tignan kung may message sina Hans at Josh. Last text nila ay an hour ago. Pauwi na raw sila kasama ang baby.

Mag-re-reply sana ako kasi may unregistered number na tumatawag. Napakunot ang noo ko. Lahat ng contacts ko ay saved. So, sino ito?

“Hello?”

Ang unang sumalubong sa pandinig ko ay ang hikbi ng isang babae.

“Uhm,” I shifted on my seat. “Sino ito?”

Nilinga ko si Dustin na may question mark sa mukha. Umiling ako signalling na hindi ko kilala pa ang caller.

“L-Lhesly,” hikbi ng babae. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang mapagtanto kung sino iyon.

“Ayessa!”

Muntik na akong sumubsob sa dashboard dahil sa biglang pag-preno ni Dustin. Itinabi niya ang sasakyan sa gilid. “Ayessa?” He mouthed.

Tumango ako at nanlalaki pa rin ang mata na binalikan ang kausap. Dustin got the phone from my hand and put it into loudspeaker. Ni-mute niya ang side namin habang may tinatawagan siya.

“Please track the call on the cellphone model I sent.”

“Ayessa, nasaan ka? Bakit ka umiiyak?” Ani ko. Alam kong hindi niya

Mukhang tinatapos muna niya ang pag-iyak bago ako muling kinausap. “Lhesly, listen carefully,” aniya sa basag na tinig.

Para siyang nahihirapan o kaya naman nauubusan ng hininga. Biglang nangilid ang luha ko. May nangyayari bang masama kay Ayessa?

“Listen.” Dinig ko ang paghugot ng kaniyang hininga. “I’m gonna die anytime now. Please just listen. Don’t interrupt me yet. Will you take care of my son for me? I left him outside your school. I don’t want you to see me like this that’s why I left him. My heart’s breaking for doing that but my baby will never get to see the sunlight if he’s with me. Take care of Iliad for me. I’m sorry if I put your name on his birth certificate. I don’t want people to know that he came from me. I’m sorry, Lhesly. You are my only savior. Please save my baby.”

“Aye…” Naiiyak kong tawag sa kaniya.

Pinilit niyang tanggalin ang bikig sa lalamunan at muling nagsalita. “Let him live a normal life. If one day, people find out about him being my son, then deny at all cost. You are now his mother, legally speaking. Do not give him up. He’s yours now. I know I sound so desperate, but can you keep him safe? I’m sorry for putting you a responsibility. You may resent me all you want…” Dinig na dinig naming ang iyak niya.

Naiiyak na tinignan ko si Dustin na may kausap na rin sa phone. Naka-mute pa rin ako kaya nakapagsasalita sya.

“Where? Okay. Kindly send. ASAP.”

Ilang segundo lang ay pianpaandar n ani Dustin ang sasakyan. I unmute my phone.
“Ayessa? Where are you? I understand. Your baby is not a responsibility. I will take care of him. But please tell me where you are. Ano bang nangyayari? Can you please enlighten me?”

I could hear her background getting frenzy. Tumatakbo ba siya? Agad kong pinindot ang recording sa phone.

“Ayessa, nasaan ka?”

“I’m sorry, Lhesly,” hinihingal niyang sagot. Tumatakbo nga siya!

“Aye, bakit ka tumatakbo. Sandali. Anong nangyayari?” I was panicking. Anong nangyayari kay Ayessa.

“Lhesly, promise me that you will keep my baby safe, our baby safe. Please.”

“Oo naman. Aalagaan ko ang baby mo. Pero nasaan ka muna ngayon? Please tell me.”

“I guess this is my end. I have lived my life to the fullest, Lhes. I just didn’t know that loving someone could put lives into danger. But having Iliad is the best thing ever.” Tapos bigla siyang tumawa. “Do you remember the day you mentioned you loved the story of Homer? I named Iliad after those two stories. He’s really bound to be under your care.” Then, natigagal ako sa narinig na sunod-sunod na putok ng… baril?

“Ayessa!”

The next thing we heard ay ang pagbagsak ng kung ano at ang pagkawala ng linya. Napamura nang sunod-sunod si Dustin. Ako naman ay umiiyak na. Anong nangyari?

“She’s in Taytay, Rizal. Her signal was found in Taytay,” pag-imporma niya.

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Nakatitig ako sa screen ng phone ko. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Nag-flashback lahat sa utak ko iyong mga pagkakataon na kasama ko si Ayessa.

—

“Wait for me here. Don’t you dare roam around, Lhesly Pearl.”

I made faces kay Dustin na hindi alam kung iiwan ba ako o isasama sa kung saan siya pupunta. Hindi kasi ako magaling sa direction. Lagi akong naliligaw.

“No. Just come here.” Hinawakan niya ang braso ko at iginiya sa kung saan.

Umangal na naman ako. Nagpapaiwan ako kasi balak kong tumingin-tingin muna sa souvenir shop na malapit sa kung saan kami nag-park. Bibili ako ng shirts para sa akin at sa kanila na mga malalapit kong kaibigan.

“What are you going to do?” Inis na sita na niya sa akin. Kanina pa kasi ako nagpapaiwan, hindi naman nila ako iniiwan ni Hans! Hello! Kailangan ko rin ng Me Time?

“Bakit mo hina-highblood si Dustin?” Tanong ng nakalapit na si Hans. Inabot niya sa akin ang isang Cornetto. Ang isa naman ay kay Dustin na nakabusangot na ang mukha sa akin.

“She wants to be left alone. We can buy whatever you want later. Are you gonna buy gifts to your crush?” Parang batang sumbong niya. Nadamay na naman ang crush ko.

Natawa si Hans. Tumingin sa akin at nagtanong.

Nginuso ko iyong souvenir shop. “Balikan niyo na lang ako. Please? Kayo na muna mag-inquire. Kapag okay na, message niyo na lang ako. Susundan ko kayo.”

“As if you can get to our direction,” simangot na wika ni Dustin.

“Oy, grabe siya. Sige na. May phone ako. I can call naman, right? Rights, Hans?” Tinulak ko na silang dalawa at kumaway bago ako mabilis na tumakbo pa-Souvenir shop.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends. Sila kasa-kasama ko eversince first year college. Karamay ko sa lahat ng unos na dumating sa buhay ko. Kaya lang, hindi ko sila mabilhan ng mga secret gift ko sa kanila kasi lagi ko silang kasama. As in. Hindi ako nagrereklamo. Minsan lang naman din na gusto kong bumili mag-isa. Ewan ko ba sa mga iyon. Lalo na si Dustin na wala naman talagang balak pumasok ng Law School pero dahil nakita niyang struggling ako sa pagre-review for entrance exam, aba sumunod. Doon sana kami magpa-park sa malapit sa College of Law kaso nakita ko ‘to kaya pinilit ko siya na dito na lang mag-park. Lakad na lang as exercise. Sumama rin si Hans na titignan if gugustuhin niya o hindi.

“You need a genius friend to pass through law school.” Heto talaga ang sinabi niya sa akin last month. Bwiset. Akala yata bobo ako? Nakapagtapos naman ako ng undergrad, ‘no! May Master’s degree na rin ako!

I was all smiles habang papasok sa souvenir shop. Gusto ko tumingin ng shirts. Inayos ko rin ang hawak sa ice cream na hindi pa bukas. Hindi pa naman ito matutunaw kaya keribels lang. Ilang minuto rin ako roon na nag-inikot. May mga nakabungguan pa ako dahil sa sobrang excited ko pumunta sa iba’t iba nilang shelves.

“Sorry po,” hinging-paumanhin ko. Sorry naman. Excited lang.

May nakita akong pigurin na may nakaukit na apat na tao. Uy. Sakto sa amin ‘to. May tatlong bestfriends ako and then ako. Kukunin ko na sana kaso may nauna ng nakakuha sa akin. Napaawang na lang ang labi ko. Oh, no. Sayang. Sinundan ko na lang ng tingin iyong lalaking nakakuha. Ang sad. But that’s okay. Marami pa naming ibang souvenir.

“Siya iyong apo ng president, ‘di ba?”

Napatingin ako sa dalawang babaeng nagbubulungan sa tabi ko. Sinundan ko ang tinutukoy nila sa pamamagitan ng tingin. Lumapat ang tingin ko doon sa lalaking nakakuha ng pigurin na gusto ko sana.

“Yup. Third year law student na iyan. Sikat sa buon’g campus dahil sa total package na.”

“Talaga? Parang ang sarap mag-law school ngayon.”

“Tell me about it. Kung every morning ay ganiyan ang makikita mo sa klase, bakit hindi mo gugustuhin ang law?”

Napangiti ako sa kwentuhan nila. Mukha silang college student pa lang. Kaya valid ang reason ng kilig nila. Ganiyan din naman ako noong college. Hanggang ngayon din naman, e. Medyo discreet nga lang ako sa mga crush ko kasi kung hindi all-praises, lalaitin ng mga bugok kong kaibigan ang crush ko.

“Oh, my God! Sorry!”

Muntik na akong mapatili nang may bumunggo sa aking babae. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang may ilang souvenir items ang bumagsak. Mas lalo akong napatanga nang may ilang mga nabasag.

Napatitig ako sa babaeng bumangga sa akin. Pants na tinernuhan ng floral hanging blouse ang babae. Iiling-iling na pinagpagan niya ang sarili saka tumayo. Ako naman ay gulat pa rin kaya nang ginaya ko ang pagtayo niya ay hindi sinasadyang malapat ang kaliwang kamay sa bubog na likha ng nabasag na mga souvenir.

“Ouch,” daing ko. Muntik ko na mabitiwan ang Cornetto. Buti na lang. Hindi ko pa ‘to nakakain.

“Hala. Shocks! Are you okay?” Dinaluhan ako ng babae. Napatingin ako sa mukha niya. Ang ganda naman. Wala man lang pores sa mukha! Sana all!

“Uhm,” utal kong saad. Na-starstruck ako!

“Come here.” Inabot niya sa akin ang isang kamay para matulungan ako sa pagtayo. “I’m sorry, huh. I didn’t mean to bump on you. Nagmamadali lang ako sana lumabas but this happened.”

Worried ang mukha niya na binalingan ang staff ng shop na lumapit na sa amin. Nagpapaliwanag na sya ngayon.

Napatingin ako sa kamay ko. It’s bleeding. May ilang bubog pa akong nakikita. Sinuspinde ko lang siya sa ere kasi tatanggalin ko ang bubog. Bahagya akong gumilid at inilapag ang ice cream sa estante. Pinagmasdan ko ang kamay kung paano ang gagawin ko. Hindi pa ganoon katindi ang sakit but I knew from experience na once tanggalin ko ang mga bubog ay sasakit na ito.

“Need help?”

Napatingala ako sa lalaking nagtanong. Napaawang na naman ang labi ko kasi ang kinis ng mukha niya. Teka. Lahat ba ng tao rito sa campus na ito ay makinis ang mukha? Saka siya iyong lalaking kumuha nung pigurin kanina! Natandaan ko iyong jacket niya.

Hindi ako nakasagot agad. I closed my mouth kasi baka magtaka siya kung bakit tinititigan ko na siya.

“Let me help you. The bleeding’s increasing.” May inilabas siya na kung ano sa backpack niya. First aid kit pala. Ano kaya undergrad niya? Marunong siya sa first aid?

“I knew first aid, of course. That’s the basic thing a person must know. Let me.” Kinuha niya ang kaliwang kamay ko at gamit ang kung anong hawak niya ay dahan-dahang tinanggal ang mga bubog. Hindi ko na siya nataong kung bakit niya nabasa isip ko. Nararamdaman ko na kasi ang sakit ng kamay. Nakangiwi na ako habang ginagawa niya iyon. Tapos, binuhusan niya ng alcohol. Pulang-pula na iyong towel na pinagpatungan niya ng kamay ko.

“What the heck? Miss, I’m sorry.” Lapit noong babae. Mukhang tapos na niya kausapin iyong staff. Pinagbayad kaya siya? Ang dami kasing nabasag.

Bahagya ko siyang nginitian. Hindi ko alam ang isassagot, e.”

“You want to go to the clinic after he first aided you?”

“Uhm. Hindi okay na. Okay naman na siguro itong first aid sa ngayon.”

“Gosh. I’m so stupid. Please tell me if you need anything to compensate to whatever trouble I caused.” She looked stressed.

Nginitian ko na lang siya at pinagmasdan ang lalaking tahimik na ginagamot ang sugat ko. Natanggal na niya ang mga bubog. Yata? Kasi mahapdi na lalo na noong binuhusan na naman niya ng disinfectant. In fairness sa kit niya. Mukhang kumpleto. Ganiyan din kasi ang kit ni Josh, noong isang kaibigan ko na doctor.

Nilapitan kami ng staff at tinignan kung ano na nangyayari. Ang sumasagot kasi hindi sumasagot iyong naggagamot sa sugat ko.

“Thank you po,” nakangiti kong turan habang binabalot na niya ang kamay ko.

“You cannot wash this for the time being. Better go to the hospital for further tests. Some shattered glasses deeply cut your skin. I got almost but to be sure…” Tinignan niya ako.

Feeling ko biglang tumigil ang mundo. Dinig na dinig ko ang tibok ng puso ko. Teka. Ano itong pakiramdam na ito?

“Okay ka lang, Miss?” Tanong noong babae.

Napakurap-kurap ako. Oh, my God.

“Do you want me to accompany you sa clinic? The staff said it’s just near here.”

“Oh. Ah, no. Okay na po ako. T-thank you.”

“Excuse me?”

Napatingin kami sa bagong lumpatid.

“Hans,” tawag ko.

Nakakunot ang noo niya. “What happened?”Agad siyang lumapit sa akin at hinawakan ang nakabenda kong kamay.

“Uh,” hindi ako agad makasagot kasi natutok ang tingin ko sa lalaking gumamot sa sugat ko. Inaayos na niya ang kit.

Iyong babae ang sumagot sa tanong ni Hans. Nakatutok pa rin ang tingin ko sa lalaki na tumango sa akin at umalis na.

Nakatulala lang ako sa likod niya. May crush na yata akong bago.

“Sure ka na you don’t need to go to the clinic?” Paniniguro nung babae.

Tumango ako sa kaniya. “Okay na po ako. Thank you. Nandito naman na ang kaibigan ko.”

“Okay?” Parang ayaw pa niya maniwala. “If ever na kailangan mong magp-ospital, please do find me. My name’s Ayessa Minea Gregorio. You can find me in the Laboratory High School.”

“Sige. Thank you.” Nagpaalam na ako sa kaniya at lumabas na kami ni Hans ng souvenir shop.

Feeling ko pagagalitan niya lang ako pero hindi na lang siya nagsalita kasi si Dustin na ang pinagalitan ako.

The next week ay entrance exam na for Law school. Excited ako na kinakabahan. Tinignan ko si Dustin na busy sa pag-d-drive. Mukha siyang kalmado. Sabagay. Genus nga naman kasi talaga siya. Hindi siya worried sa exam. Akoi sang linggo akong nagpuyat para lang matapos ko ang reviewer.

Nang makarating kami sa College of Law building ay nakasabay namin iyong babaeng nakabungguan ko last week. Si Ayessa. Hindi ko naman na siya hinanap pa kasi si Josh na ang nagtuloy ng paggamot sa kamay ko. Though nakabenda pa rin naman siya, healing na lang ang kamay ko.

“Oh. Hi!” Bati niya sa akin. Mukhang gulat siya na itinuro ako at ang sign ng college sa harap namin. “Are you gonna take the exam, too?”

Oh. Magt-take rin siya? “Oo. Kasama ko friend ko. Si Dustin.” Tinuro ko si Dustin na palapit na sa amin.

Namilog ang mga bibig niya at tumango-tango.

“Nice! May kakilala na pala ako rito. I’m gonna take the exam, too. Can I join your company?” Sinilip niya si Dustin na nasa gilid ko.

Tumango ako. “Oo naman. Halika,” at ako na ang nagyaya sa kaniya patungo sa loob ng College of Law.

Napasa namin ang exam. Pareho kami ngayong nakaupo sa Legal Ethics na first subject namin for this sem. Katabi ko si Ayessa na kanina ko pa kakwentuhan. Napag-alaman ko na teacher din pala siya. Sa Laboratory High School ng school na ito siya nagtuturo. Katulad ko ay Grade 10 ang handle niya. Same lang din kami ng edad. Parehong 26. Pinakilala ko na rin sa kaniya ang mga kaibigan ko. Nagulat siya nang malaman na teacher din si Hans na kasama ko noong makabungguan niya ako.

“Mukha siyang strict but Dustin looks stricter. Ganiyan ba talaga ang friend mo? Doesn’t know how to smile?”

Natawa ako sa impresyon niya kay Dust. Ganoon naman talaga si Dustin. Masyadong seryoso sa buhay. Superego naming magkakaibigan iyan, e.

The sem started with a blast. Nag-struggle kaming dalawa para matapos ang sem. Napakahirap lalo na at nagtuturo kami pareho. Mabuti na lang at savior namin si Dustin na siyang laging on the rescue sa review notes at paggawa ng digest namin. Hindi ko kinaya iyong Criminal Law na nagpagawa ng 100 digests sa loob ng isang sem. Hello! First year pa lang kami. Ano kami? Robot?

Mabuti na lang din at nakikita ko pa sa school ang crush ko. Siya iyong lalaking gumamot sa sugat ko noon. Nakasabayan namin siya nina Dustin at Ayessa sa cafeteria one time. Mag-isa lang siyang kumakain pero ang dami niyang bantay sa paligid. Napaka-high profile niyang tao. Palibhasa ay apo ng president.

“He’s the youngest grandson of the president. Tatlo lang silang apo kasi nag-iisa lang naman ang anak ni President Buenaflor. The eldest and only granddaughter is living abroad. The eldest grandson is already a prosecutor. The youngest, that’s Syrelle Andrew Buenaflor for you, is a genius. He took law after he gained experiences from his undergrad which are Biology and Engineering. Pinagsabay niya iyong pag-aaral niya. Take note, he’s also a Pilot like his kuya.”

Wow! Parehas pala sila ni Dust. Ganoon ba talaga kapag nasa alta?

Hindi ko na natanong si Ayessa kung paano niya nalaman ang mga bagay na iyon. Though googleable naman, mas detailed iyong mga alam niya. Iisipin kong kabilang siya sa first family.

Wala akong alam na kahit ano sa romantic relationship niya kasi sobrang discreet niya. Hindi naman siya nagk-kwento kasi feel niya hindi pa ako matured para roon. Hello? Matanda na rin kaya ako. Saka same lang kami ng age pero sobrang matured niya mag-isip. Isip-bata pa kasi ako katulad ni Josh. Feeling ko si Josh ang kuya ko, e. Immature minsan kaya lagi kaming napapagalitan ni Dustin.

Nag-lielow sa school si Ayessa noong second sem ng Second year namin. Bihira na siya pumasok. Hindi ko naman siya natatanong kapag pumapasok siya pero feeling ko sobrang stressed na siya. Sabi ni Dustin hayaan ko na lang daw muna si Ayessa kasi baka may pinagdaraanan siya na ayaw niyang ipaalam kaya hinayaan ko lang.

Ang huling alam ko na lang ay noong hindi na talaga siya pumasok at nagpakita sa amin.

SS – Written in the Stars

“Congratulations!” Masayang salubong ko kay JM nang magtagpo rin ang aming landas.

Katatapos lang ng Commencement Exercise ng aming school. Photo opp na lang ang nagaganap. Nakapagpa-picture na ako kina ate at kay Tia with her parents.

JM smirked at me at inabutan ako ng bulaklak. “Kuya said it’s for you.”

Tumingkayad ako para hanapin si Kuya DM. “Saan siya?”

“With mom and dad. They’re talking to Tito Ren,” tukoy niya sa daddy ni Yuri.

Napatango ako at tinignan ang bulaklak na binigay. Cute. Ang bango pa. Fresh from the shop ba ‘to, Kuya DM?

“Where’s Ate Mich?”

“Huh?” Lumingon ako para tignan kung nasaan si Ate. Wala na siya. “Baka kasama ng boss niya. Nandiyan sila kanina, e.”

“Okay. Let’s take a photo, Jace,” itinuro niya iyong photographer na nakaabang.

“Bongga. May photographer ka pa, a,” tawa ko.

Inilingan niya lang ako habang nakatawa at hinila na para makapagpakuha ng larawan.

Puro funny photos yata ang mayroon kami kasi ang kulit niya at nadagdagan pa ng mga kaklase namin na nakisali na rin.

Masayang-masaya ako na nakatapos na ako ng SHS. Sa wakas apat na taon na lang at makapagta-trabaho na rin ako. Makatutulong na ako kay ate.

“Kailan ang alis niyo?” Tanong ko kay JM after humigop ng Shake. Nasa loob kami ng Mall at nagkita. Last na pagkikita na yata namin ito, e. Paalis na siya patungong England. Doon na talaga siya sa Oxford mag-aaral. Habang ako ay sa Manila naman. Nakakuha ako ng scholarship sa PNU. Hindi ako nakapasa sa UP. Kinulang ang points ko. Ending, PNU ako. Imbes na BS Bio. Mag-Education ako double major: English and Biology. Nakapasa naman ako kaya okay na rin.

“Tomorrow night.”

Napanguso ako. “Ma-mi-miss kita. Five years din tayong hindi magkikita.”

“We can video call.”

“Truth naman. Kakantahan mo pa rin ako sa call, a.”

“Sure.”

Natawa ako. Ang pait kasi ng mukha niya. Lagi ko kasi talaga siya pinakakanta. Sanay naman na siya.

“What do you wanna do today? I am free until tomorrow lunch.”

Umiling ako. “Wala? Wala akong maisip, e.”

Nag-angat siya ng kilay. “Amusement Park, wanna go?”

“Saan may amusement park dito?”

“Laguna? Manila?”

“Ay bongga. Travel ulit?”

Isang bagay na napansin ko kay JM sa loob ng magda-dalawang taon naming pagkakaibigan ay mahilig siya sa nature at travelling. Kaya siguro sa bahay nila, punong-puno siya ng mga larawan ng kung saan-saang lugar.

“I brought the car. I can drive for us.”

Napangiti ako. “Sinusulit mo na agad ang kotse mo, a. Proud na licensed driver na ba iyan?”

“Of course,” he smiled.

Napatawa ako. Ang cute talaga ni JM kaya hanggang ngayon crush ko ‘to, e.

“Sige. Pero kain muna tayo sa Jollibee? Treat ko. O, huwag umangal. Binigyan ako ni ate ng pera kaya ako taya ngayon sa Lunch.”

Inilingan niya lang ako habang nakangisi. “Okay.”

Lagi niya kasi akong nililibre. Bilang nga lang sa daliri ko iyong ako iyong nanlibre, e.

Pagkatapos kumain ay dumiretso na kami sa Laguna. Sa Enchanted Kingdom na lang daw kami. Ako na hindi pa nakapupunta roon ay tuwang-tuwa. Hanggang Star City pa lang ako.

“Anchor’s Away? Are you sure?” Tantiya niyang tanong habang nakapila kami sa Anchor’s Away. Iyon kasi agad ang pinilahan namin pagkadating.

Humarap ako sa kaniya. “Yes, yes!”

“All right. Don’t puke though.”

Inirapan ko siya. “Duh. Nakakaya ko nga iyong Vikings, e. Mas mataas iyon kaysa rito.”

“If you say so,” kibit-balikat niya.

Matalim ang matang nilingon ko siya ulit. “Ang KJ mo naman. Kainis ka.”

Tinawanan niya lang ako at inabutan ng inumin. Tinanggap ko naman kahit masama pa ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

Nilibot namin lahat ng rides na pwedeng masakyan. Last na iyong Ferris Wheel. Ang ganda ng tanawin habang paikot ang Ferris. Nakadungaw lang ako habang siya naman ay hindi mapakali. Nilinga ko siya.

“Ayos ka lang?” Kanina pa kasi siya hindi mapakali. Parang may gustong gawin pero hindi niya magawa.

“Uh,” iniwas niya ang tingin sa akin. Ikinabahala ko naman iyon. Never pa nag-stutter sa harap ko ang isang JM Stevenson. May problema ba?

Umayos ako ng upo at hinarap siya. “Takot ka ba sa ganitong rides?”

Mabilis ang iling niya.

“E, bakit?”

Ilang sandali pa malapit na kami sa tuktok nang magsalita siya.

“I’d been thinking, Jace.”

“Na?” Nakatutok ang buong atensyon ko sa kaniya.

“I already talked to my parents and your ate, too.”

Napakunot-noo ako. “Tungkol saan?”

“I’d be gone for a few years. Matagal tayong hindi magkikita.”

“May video call naman? Saka malay mo makapunta ako sa England kapag bakasyon?” Gagad ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong gusto niyang sabihin.

“I know. I can go home during vacation, too.”

“Kaya nga. So? Ano ang problema? Tungkol saan ang pinag-usapan mo with ate at parents mo?”

“We’re both at the legal age, Jace.”

Kinakabahan na ako sa kaniya. Ano ngayon kung nasa legal age na kami? “Uhm, oo? Mas nauna kang mag-18 noong January pa? Bakit? Gagawa ba tayo ng krimen?” Natutop ko ang bibig at napatingin sa paligid.

Hindi makapaniwalang tinitigan niya ako at napailing. “Jace, I’m seriously talking here.”

“And seryoso rin ako?” Anong akala niya sa akin? Puro kalokohan ang nasa isip?

“Let’s get married.”

Natigilan ako. Napakunot ang noo. Napatitig sa mga mata niyang mapangusap. Napaawang ang mga labi. Napatayo.

“Ano!” Bigla rin akong napaupo nang maramdaman kong gumalaw ang sinasakyan. Hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang-braso para maging steady.

“Listen, Jace. You don’t wanna come with me to England. You wanna stay here. I’ll be missing you, that’s for sure. And I think I just don’t like you. It’s beyond that…”

Hindi makapaniwalang nakatitig ako sa kaniya. “Marry? Pakakasalan mo ako? Ang bata pa natin para matali sa isa’t isa, JM? Saka sandali, sigurado ka? That’s a lifetime commitment para sa akin. Alam mo ang views ko sa buhay may-asawa.”

Tumango siya.”I know.”

“Aalis ka na rin naman bukas. Paano tayo magpapakasal?” Teka? Pumapayag ka, Jace?

Biglang nagliwanag ang mukha niya. “Pumapayag ka?”

“Na ano? Pakasal? Hindi ko alam!” Naguguluhan kong turan.

“It will be a civil wedding. We are just gonna sign legal documents. After college, then we’ll get a church wedding or a wedding of your preference.”

“JM…” I trailed off. Hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin.

“My parents and your ate, though dubious, gave their consents. How could we work a long distance relationship? That was their question. I said, ‘Try me. Try us’. So, if you agree tonight, we’ll get married first thing tomorrow morning.”

Laglag ang panga na nakatingin lang ako. Speechless. 18 years old pa lang kami? Saka teka. Hindi niya lang daw ako gusto. Mas pa sa gusto?

Natawa ako nang bahagya. Baka kasi prank ito. Lumingon-lingon ako para alamin kung may camera sa paligid na lumilipad-lipad.

“What are you doing?”

“Baka may hidden camera or recording dito? Malay ko ba kung prank mo ito o totoo, e.”

I heard him sigh. “Do I look like I am kidding? I’m serious, Jaceryl. I wanna get married to you.”

Natigilan ako sa paghagilap ng camera sa paligid at napatingin na naman sa kaniya.

“JM, heto, a. Hindi sa ayaw ko. Kasi hello, crush kita. Alam mo iyan. Pero kasal talaga? Wala ng atrasan kapag nagpakasal nga tayo. Saka, sigurado ka na ba? Malalayo rin naman tayo sa isa’t isa.”

“Mukha ba akong hindi seryoso?” Nakasimangot niyang turan.

Namangha ako. First time niyang magtagalog sa harap ko. Lagi ako niyang in-English, e.

“Aalis ka rin naman. Iiwan mo ako rito,” dagdag ko pa.

“So, wanna come with me? I can bring you with me.”

Napailing ako. “No. Okay na ako sa school na papasukan ko.”

Tinikom niya ang mga labi kahit parang may gusto pa siyang sabihin.

Napakagat naman ako sa labi ko. Hasty decision ito, e. Tama ba na sa ganitong edad magpakasal na kami? Magkaibigan lang naman kami?

“Jaceryl.”

Napaangat ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Namangha na naman ako sa kulay dagat na papadilim niyang mga mata. Daming naglalarong emosyon sa mga mata niya. Hindi ko mawari kung ano-ano.

“I’m serious. Damn serious. I’ve been thinking about this for quite sometime now. You don’t know the struggles I had to deal with myself just to stop whatever rush things I am planning. But here comes to that point I need to be away. Brace yourself. I’m now confessing.”

Napalunok ako at napakurap-kurap. Seryoso nga siya.

“I was supposed to spend my senior high in England. However, during the orientation for aspiring SHS students, I saw you. You looked so naive and pretty. I followed you all throughout that day. You didn’t notice though. That’s when I decided to stay and finish my SHS in Brent.”

What? Tanda ko na nabanggit nga sa akin ni Tia na dapat sa ibang bansa na mag-aaral si JM pero nagbago ang isip at dito na nagpatuloy. That’s… his reason? I could not believe.

“I’ve been following outside school. I could not make a move in Brent ’cause I was afraid it might affect your study. God knows how regretful I was when I learned you were bullied. Everyone’s mum about that matter so I didn’t notice. You always smile. I thought everything’s going well. Fortunately, I accidentally left my wallet in your working place. You messaged. And the rest is history. You might say I am rushing things but no, I am not. I’d been waiting. For you. Good thing you have a crush on me ’cause I like you more than that. It’s beyond ‘like'”.

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Umaamin na ba sa akin ang isang JM Stevenson? Goodness gracious.

“I… I don’t know but I can only see you with me in my future. Can you fulfill that for me? Marry me?”

Hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita. Anong sasagot ko? Kasi magkakalayo rin naman kami. Paano iyon?

“You are probably thinking so many what ifs. ‘What if it won’t work because we are miles away? What if you find someone else or I find someone else? What if you fall out of love?'”

Yes. Lahat iyan nasa isip ko na.

“I maybe young but my conviction on this doesn’t change. Once I set my heart on something, I’ll do it. No matter what the consequences are. I hope you give me a chance. We may be miles away but that will only be every five months. I’ll go home or I’ll fetch you here.”

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko talaga. Naiiyak na lang ako. Unang pagkakataon ito na may nag-confess sa akin. Dagdagan pa na inaalok na agad ako ng kasal.

“Bakit k-kasal agad?” Tanong ko habang pinipigilan na umiyak.

“To be totally honest, I do not know either. It just popped on my mind that I really wanna marry you. Probably for assurance.”

Napahikbi na ako. Assurance?

“Hey,” naalarma niyang gagad. Hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko.

“If you are not comfortable on marrying me, it’s okay. I don’t wanna force you. I can wait. Hey, why are you crying? I’m sorry.”

Mas lalo akong napaiyak. Bakit ako umiiyak? Sabi ng ate ko mag-take risk daw ako sa mga bagay-bagay. Kapag gusto ko naman, i-push ko na raw. Minsan lang tayo mabigyan ng mga pagkakataon. Sulitin hangga’t kumakatok.

“Sigurado ka na ba? Hindi na magbabago isip mo? Paano kapag um-oo ako?”

Namilog ang mga mata niya. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa mga kamay ko. Ramdam ko ang init ng mga palad niya.

“I’ll be the happiest 18 year old gentleman in this land. I am absolutely sure with my actions. Is it a yes?” Hopeful niyang tanong. Gamit ang mga daliri niya, pinahid niya ang naglalandas kong mga luha. His eyes are twinkling with… tears, too?

Tumango ako. Walang kasiguraduhan pero tumango ako.

“Sir and Ma’am, okay na po. Pwede na pong bumaba.”

Sabay kaming napatingin sa staff. Nakabukas na ang pinto ng rides. Nakababa na kami? Hindi ko napansin. Ginagap ni JM ang kanang kamay ko at marahang inalalayan pababa. Sumisinghot-singhot pa ako habang papunta kami sa kung saan. Nagpatangay lang ako sa kaniya. Umupo kami sa bench at may nilabas siya mula sa bulsa ng suot niyang maliit na body bag.

Naiyak na naman ako nang makita ko na singsing iyon.

Kinuha niya ang kaliwa kong kamay at dahan-dahang isinuot sa daliri ko ang singsing na napapaligiran ng mga puting bato. Ang ganda.

“My mother gave this to me when I turned 18. She said my wife will get to own this in the future. And there you are. Thank you, Jaceryl.”

Hindi ako makapagsalita kaya niyakap ko na lang siya.

Mabilis ang mga sumunod na pangyayari. Kinaumagahan ay pumunta kami sa munisipyo para magpakasal na. Hindi makapaniwala ang ate ko pati ang Kuya DM niya na mauuna pa kami kaysa sa kanila na mga panganay. Hindi naman na ako nagkomento pa. Sobrang civil lang ng ceremony. Parents and kuya niya saka ang ate ko lang ang kasama namin. By lunch ay sa bahay nila kami sa Highview tumuloy.

“You’ll miss me?”

Natawa ako sa tanong niya. “Tinatanong pa ba iyan? Opkors, Sir!”

Mula sa pagtingin sa tanawin sa kanilang rooftop, niyuko niya ako para tignan nang masama.

“O? Bakit?” Nagpipigil na ngiting tanong ko. Bahagya akong umatras palayo sa kaniya.

Imbes na magsalita ay ngumiti na lang siya at hinila ako nang marahan palapit sa kaniya. Napangiti na ako.

Nagkwentuhan lang kami habang nasa rooftop. Kung hindi pa kami inakyat ni Kuya DM, hindi pa namin balak bumaba. Paalis na rin naman daw kasi sila.

It was a bitter-sweet goodbye. I knew we were young. But with the love we had with each other, everything would be possible.

SS – EL OCULTAS PAIS

When I was a child, my father said that I should not let my study hinder my education. I asked him what he meant but he just smiled at me. He said that I would know it in the latter part of my life. So, I tried to research on it when I was in high school. I found nothing in the books that’s why I asked people around. Good thing I have an elder sister who knew a lot in this world. She answered me that studies were the things I learned in school like all of my subjects while education was the behavior and attitudes learned through observation. I was enlightened when I knew the answer. I was so happy but suddenly felt sadness because father was not there to hear my answer anymore.

I sighed.

“Ang lalim, a?”

Napatingin ako kay Sharmaine na nakakunot ang noo sa akin. May hawak syang libro ng Mathematics at mukhang nagbabasa pero naistorbo ko dahil sa paghinga nang malalim.

“Sorry,” mahina kong saad. Inikot ko ang tingin sa library kung nasaan kami para tignan kung bukod sa kaibigan kong matalik ay may naistorbo pa ako. Wala naman.

“May problem ba?” Tanong nya na isinarado na ang hawak na libro.

“Tapos ka ng magbasa?” Tanong ko. Kanina pa kasi nya hawak yung libro.

Umiling sya at nagtanong ulit. “Minsan ka lang mag-sigh kaya na-curious ako. Bakit?”

Napailing ako. “Wala naman. Naalala ko lang si papa.”

“Oh,” tanging sambit nya na kinuha naman ang panulat at papel sa loob ng bag niya. Pagkatapos ay tumingin muli sya sa akin. “Thursday ngayon, di ba? Uuwi ka na ba sa inyo bukas? Hanggang kailan ka? Sa enrolment ka na ba babalik?”

“Siguro. Tumawag si ate kaya baka uuwi ako at magtuloy-tuloy na.”

Nakatanggap kasi ako ng sulat mula sa nakatatanda kong kapatid na nagtatrabaho sa Amarillo na uuwi sya. At dahil miss ko na sya, uuwi muna ako.

“Gano’n? Sayang. Isasama sana kita sa party bukas. Kilala mo ba si Ashton Agoncilla?”

“Hindi.”

“Yung star player ng baseball?”

Umiling ako. Hindi ako mahilig manood sa mga laro.

Ngumuso siya sa’kin na parang disappointed na disappointed. Bahagya akong napangiti.

“Bakit? Ano bang pa-party nya?”

“Birthday nya bukas. May party na magaganap sa Municipalia.”

“Imbitado ka ba?”

“Oo naman. Para saan pa at ako ang reigning Señorita?”

Natawa ako. Minsan talaga si Sharmaine conceited. Tama naman sya. Maganda, matalino, mayaman, at talented pa siya pero mayabang din minsan, e.

“Ano? Sama ka? Kahit sandali lang tayo tapos ihahatid kita sa istasyon ng tren,” aniya.

“Ano ka ba? Hindi naman ako imbitado kaya bakit sasali ako sa party. Ikaw na lang,” tanggi ko. Hindi ko lang talaga forte ang mga gusto ng kaibigan ko. “Hindi ka ba uuwi sa inyo?”

“Wala sina mama. Nasa Candelaria. Kaya stay muna ako rito.”

“Gusto mong magbakasyon sa amin?” Tanong ko habang nagliligpit na ng mga gamit. Tumunog na ang bell hudyat na tapos na ang ikalawang semester ng taong ito. Maririnig mo ang sigawan ng mga kapwa ko estudyante. Tapos na ang sem, sa wakas.

“Gusto ko sana. Kaso may lakad kami sa Azul ni CJ.” Tukoy nya sa boyfriend nya mula nung first year kami.

“Saan na naman gala nyo? Parang nung nakaraang bakasyon lang nasa may Amarillo kayo. Nakita pa kayo ni Ate.”

“Ano ka ba naman, Mika. Minsan lang ‘to. Ang layo-layo ng school nya, e.”

“Oo na. Wala na akong masabi.” Natatawang tumayo na ako at nagpaalam sa kanya na babalik na sa dormitoryo. Mag-aayos na ako ng gamit. Bukas ako ng madaling-araw aalis para bago pa lumalim ang gabi ay nasa Casalaran na ako, tawag sa balangay kung saan ako lumaki at nagkaisip.

Patawid na ako sa footbridge ng Education building at Engineering Department kung saan ay may shortcut papunta sa dormitoryo nang hindi sinasadyang nabitiwan ko ang mga librong hawak ko. Natigilan ako. Para kasing may nakatingin kaya inilibot ko ang paningin.

Wala.

Nagpalinga-linga ako. Tanging mga masasayang mukha ng mga mag-aaral ang nakikita ko. Wala namang kakaiba. Ipinagkibit-balikat ko na lang ang nararamdamang uneasiness. Baka naho-homesick na lang ako.

Madaling-araw pa lang ay nasa may istasyon na ako ng tren. Tulog na tulog pa si Sharmaine ng umalis ako. Hinayaan ko na lang at sumabay sa iilang tulad ko na nakatira sa malayong lugar.

Alas-singko ng umaga ay palabas na kami ng Greencity kung nasaan ang school na pinapasukan ko. Pumwesto ako sa pinakabintana. May mga kasama ako sa loob ng cabin. Kapwa ko mga kaklase sa paaralan na mga nakatira sa Town center ng Verde.

“Pupunta ba si Sharmaine sa party mamaya?” tanong ng isaa kong kaklase.

“Oo, e. Kaya nga ‘di ko kasabay.”

“Mahilig talaga sa party yang kaibigan mo, e no?”

Tumawa na lang ako at tumingin na sa bintana. Tanaw na tanaw ko yung lighthouse sa mataas na bahagi ng Greencity. Patuloy na umiikot yung ilaw sa pinakataas na bahagi niyon. Binabantayan kung may papasok ng walang pahintulot ng lugar.

Ang Greencity kasi ay nasa gitna ng Verde lake. Hindi ka makapupunta roon kung hindi mo alam kung ano-ano ang mga lagusan. Tatlo lang naman ang paraan para makapasok ka sa loob, e. Una, sa pamamagitan ng tren. Pangalawa, sa ilog na magbabangka ka. Pangatlo at pinakahuli sa lahat ay ang pagdaan sa malaking gate sa may footbridge. Mahihirapan kung sinuman ang nagbabalak pumasok sa loob lalo na kung hindi nya alam ang pasikot-sikot sa lugar. Masyadong masalimuot.

Nakatingin lang ako sa labas ng salamin at panaka-nakang nakikinig sa kwentuhan ng mga kasama ko sa loob. Nakatulog din ako kahit paano kasi pagdilat ko nasa may town center na ako. Padilim na rin ang paligid.

Nang nasa kalagitnaan na kami ng byahe nang mapagdesisyunan kong mag-ikot muna. Minsan lang akong umuwi na mag-isa kaya susulitin ko na. Si Sharmaine kasi ay masyadong tamad maglakad sa pasilyo ng tren kaya hindi ako makpaglibot—libot minsan.

Mga mukha ng mga kapwa ko mag-aaral ang nakikita ko sa tren. Mayroon din akong nakikitang mga taga-Municipalia nag-aaral. Pasimple lang akong tumitingin sa kanila hanggang sa makarating ako sa pinakaunahan ng tren kung saan kitang-kita ko ang dinaraanan namin. Halos berde ang nakikita ng aking mata. Nakalagpas na kami sa lawa. Sa kabundukan na kami kung saan mga pani-paniwala na may naninirahan daw na mga kakaibang nilalang.

I was not believing those tell tales that people living in the forest were savage and wild. They were also humans like us so what’s to bother? Hinihinga nila ang hanging parehong hinihinga natin.

Nasa ganoon akong pag-iisip nang biglang nag-preno ang tren. Halos sumadlak ako sa salaming naghaharang sa akin sa labas. Dinig ko rin ang tlian ng mga pasahero. Nakabibinginng screeching sound ang pumailanlang sa’king mga pandinig kay napapikit ako. Nang idilat ko naman ang mga marta ay namulatan ko ang isang itim na aninong nagkukubli sa malaking puno na nasa labas lang. Halos malapit lang siya sa tren. Anino? Anino ng tao! Napatayo ako. Hindi iyon anino… kundi tao na nakatayo sa ilalmin ng anino ng puno ng Acacia.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin nang tumama ng mga mata ko sa mata ng taong iyon. Itim na itim, kabaliktaran ng kulay ng kanyang balat. Tinitigan ko sya at unti-unti akong humakbang palapit sa salamin. Nakatingin pa rin sya. Hindi ko alam kung saan ba sya nakatingin pero nakikita ko ang napakaitim na kulay ng kanyang mga mata.

“Excuse me.”

Napalingon ako sa biglang salita ng kung sino man. I saw no one behind me. Napabalik ako ng tingin sa tao sa may puno. Wala na sya! Teka? Saan nagpunta iyon? Isa ba sya sa mga naninirahan sa loob ng kagubataan? Ang bilis nyang nawala! Saka… sino yung nagsalita sa likod ko?

Napalingon muli ako. May nagsalita talaga, e. Sino iyon?

Napaigtad ako nang bumukas ang sliding door at pumasok ang isa sa mga attendees ng tren.

“Miss, okay ka lang po ba?” Tanong nya sa akin. Hindi agad ako nakasagot. Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa labas at sa attendee.

“Miss?” untag nya ulit. Napailing ako.

“Uhm… yes po. Okay lang po ako. Pasensya na. M-may… may… akala ko kasi may nakita akong ano. Hindi ko alam. Namalikmata lang siguro ako. Pasensya na,” ani ko at agad na nilagpasan sya.

“Wait, Miss!” Tawag na nama nung attendee. Wala na sana akong balak huminto kaso natigilan ako sa sinabi nya. “May naiwan po ‘ata kayo?”

Napalingon ako. May hawak syang kwintas at agad na lumapit sa akin para ibigay iyon.

“S-sandali lang,” angal ko at akmang ibabalik ko na ang kwintas ng makita kong wala na akong kausap. Oh no! Nangilabot ako. Nasaan na yung babae? Nagpalinga-linga ako pero wala na talaga. Walang ibang daanan palabas kung hindi sa kinatatayuan ko. Wag niyong sabihin na isa iyong multo? Nabitiwan ko ang kwintas. Hindi akin ‘yan! At agad na tumakbo pabalik sa pwesto ko kanina. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari.

Pagkatapos sa tren ay sumakay ako sa caratella. Dalawang oras na byahe pa bago ko marating ang bahay namin na nasa may pinakadulo ng syudad nakapwesto. Halos malapit na nga kami sa border ng Amorillo at ng pinakamalawak na kagubatan sa lugar.

Pasado ala-siyete ay nasa harap na ako ng tarangkahan ng aming tahanan. Limang buwan din akong hindi nakauwi kaya naman parang nakaramdaman ako ng kasiyahan ng muling masilayan ang maliwanag pa naming bakuran. Tumuloy na ako hanggang sa may pinto at bahagyang kumatok. Hindi nagtagal ay ang mukha ng mama ang sumalubong sa akin.

“Mika!”

“Mama,” yakap ko sa kanya. Ibinaba ko na lang basta ang gamit ko ng niyakap ko ang mama.

“Nakauwi na ang bunso ko,” aniya na hinaplos-haplos ang buhok ko. Pumasok kami sa loob at agad nya akong pinaupo sa may sofa.

“Gusto mo bang kumain?”

“Hindi na, ‘ma. Nakakain na ako sa may tren.”

“Ganoon ba? O siya. Magpahinga ka muna at parating na rin ang ate mo.”

“Opo, mama. Akyat muna ako sa kwarto ko.” Humalik ako sa pisngi nya bago umalis at umakyat na sa kwarto ko.

Inayos ko ang mga gamit ko. Inisa-isa kong alisin ang lahat ng laman ng bagahe ko ng mapatda lamang dahil sa may kwintas na nakaipit sa pagitan ng mga damit ko. Napatayo ako.

“Ma. Mama. Ma!” tili ko. Hindi lumipas ang segundo nang bumukas ang pinto at niluwa niyon si mama na humahangos.

“Bakit?”

Agad akong tumakbo sa kanya at yumakap. Pagkatapos ay itinuro ko iyong kwintas na ngayon ay wala na sa damitan ko.

“A-ano? Nasaan na? Nandito lang yung kwintas, ‘ma. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nasa akin iyon pero sinundan ako ng kwintas na iyon mula pa sa tren, mama,” nanginginig ang labing turan ko. Hindi ako humiwalay ng hawak sa nanay ko dahil sa takot ang bumabalot sa akin ngayon.

Nangunot ang noo nya. “Ano bang sinasabi mo, Mikaela? Anong kwintas?”

“Yung may pendant na bilog – ” natigilan ako. Hindi pa naman nakikita iyon ng nanay ko kaya paano nya malalaman?

“Pendant na bilog na may nakaukit na isang templo na napapalibutan ng kristal?”

“Huh?”

Lumayo sa akin si mama. “Ano ka ba naman, Mikaela? Suot mo ang kwintas mo.”

“Huh?” Napayuko ako at ganoon na lang ang panggigilalas nang makita ko ang suot kong kwintas.

Napatili ako nang napakalakas.

SS – A Rain on His Parade

It was raining cats and dogs. Hindi ako makalabas ng room. 2:30 pa lang ng hapon pero sobrang dilim na. Bigla ba naman ang buhos ng ulan. Wala akong payong kaya stranded ako kasama ng isang kaklase.

“Nagpasundo ka na ba sa inyo, Mayor?” Tanong ni Dara, secretary ng klase.

Umiling ako. “Walang tao sa bahay,” sabi ko na lang. I lived alone. Hindi alam iyon ng mga kaklase ko. Hindi naman kasi ako pala-kwento. Akala siguro ni Dara may kasama ako sa bahay.

“Ganoon? Nagpasundo ako kay Kuya. Dalawa payong dala n’on. Sabay ka na sa ‘min.”

Ngumiti ako. “Salamat, Dara. Pero sige lang. Titila naman iyang ulan.”

“Titila? Ang lakas nga, o. Sana walang pasok bukas.”

Binalik ko ang tingin sa bintana.

Mangilan-ngilan ang estudyanteng sumusubok na maglakad sa kalakasan ng ulan at hangin. May isa na nasiraan ng payong.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Mukhang kailangan ko ng idagdag sa budget ko ang payong.

I was an orphan. I lived alone sa maliit na studio type apartment na pagmamay-ari ng tita ko. I still had a grandfather sa mother side ko pero hindi ako sa kanila nakatira. Tinakwil ng lolo ko ang nanay ko noong dalaga pa ito. Namuhay ako na mga magulang ko lang ang kasama hanggang sa mangyari ang sunog. Ako lang ang nakaligtas. From then on, inilipat ako sa Bulacan. Dito ako nagsimula mag-high school. Pinapadalhan lang ako ng pera buwan -buwan.

Apat na taon na rin pala noong lumipat ako rito. Dalawang taon pa para makalipat ako sa Maynila. Balak ko magtapos sa dream state university ko kaya pinagsisikapan ko ang pag-aaral. I joined all extra curricular activities I could. I enrolled sa Special Program in the Arts major in Drum and Lyre. I played a lyre. I joined ‘The Pillar’, too, as a Feature Writer. I was also self-studying Nihonggo and Spanish at the same time. Mabuti na lang at nakuha ko ang talino ng parents ko kaya kahit maliit lang ang budget ko sa loob ng isang buwan, natitipid ko dahil na rin sa mga scholarship na sinalihan ko.

“Ayan na si kuya. Mayor, ‘lika na,” yaya ni Dara na tumayo dala ang bag at sinalubong ang kuya niya sa pinto ng classroom. Pasado alas-tres na.

Nginitian ko siya. Hindi ako tumayo sa upuan. Hindi ko balak sumabay sa kanila pauwi. Mas gusto kong mag-isa. Mas nag-e-enjoy ako.

“Hala. Isa lang dalang payong ni kuya, Mayor. Pasensya na,” ani Dara nang bumalik siya sa akin.

“Okay lang, Dara. Hihinto rin naman iyan.”

“Hindi iyan hihinto, ano ka ba? Sabay ka na lang kahit sa gate para hindi ka maiwan dito. Malaki naman dalang payong ng kuya ko. Lock mo na itong room.”

Napaisip ako. Sabagay. Pwede namang sa Gate 1 na lang ako maghintay na tumila. Mas malapit.

Sumama ako sa kanila hanggang sa Gate 1. Nagpasalamat ako kay Dara at sa kuya niya.
Kumaway na si Dara sa akin habang palabas ng gate. Ako naman ay nag-stay. Malakas pa rin ang ulan. Nginitian ko si Manong Guard na naging kaibigan ko na rin dito. Blame it to my journalistic side. Ang dami kong kakilala na naging kaibigan ‘di kalaunan dahil sa kadaldalan kong taglay. Tinanong nga ng adviser ng school paper namin kung bakit sa Feature Writing ako napunta. Dapat daw sa news. I enjoyed literature kaya nanatili ako sa Feature.

“Wala ka bang payong, hija?” Tanong ni Manong Jun.

“Wala po, Manong. Hindi ko po nadala ang payong ko,” I lied. Wala nga kasi akong payong.

“Aba, e, hindi hihinto iyang ulan. Masyadong malakas. May extra akong payong dito. Gusto mong hiramin muna?”

Napaisip ako. Napatingin din sa sobrang lakas na buhos ng ulan. Malakas talaga. Baka nga kahit nakapayong ako ay uuwi akong basa.

“Sige po. Balik ko po bukas. Pasensya na po,” ngiti ko.

Inabutan na niya ako ng payong.

“Maya-maya ka na muna para hindi ganoon kalakas. Mababasa ka rin, e.”

Tumango ako at muling nagpasalamat. Binalik ko ang tingin sa kalangitan. Madilim. Palibhasa November na.

Bahagya akong umusog upang bigyang-daan ang mga dumaraan. Sumandal ako sa may lamesa at tahimik na naghihintay sa pagtila ng ulan.

I was in the middle of my reverie nang may marinig akong kausap si Manong. Medyo hindi na ganoon kalakas katulad kanina ang ulan. Malakas pa rin naman.

“May extra ka pa pong payong, Manong Jun?”

Napatingin ako sa nagsalita at napabuntong-hininga nang makita ang SSG President ng school. Nemesis ko iyan, e. Ewan ko ba. Hindi kami magkasundo sa mga bagay-bagay mula noong una kaming nagkita sa Student Council. Kasama ako for the last three years sa Student Council bilang representative ng Grade level ko kaso hindi na ako tumakbo ngayon kasi siya nga iyong tumakbong President. Our ideas were just parallel.

“Naku, hijo. Napahiram ko na. Wala na akong extrang payong. Hindi mo ba kasabay ang mama mo?”

“Wala po si mama ngayon, e. Nasa seminar po siya.”

Iniwas ko ang tingin nang feeling ko ay titingin siya sa akin. Baka awayin na naman ako nito. Lagi kasi talaga kaming may Cold War. Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko naman siya inaano. Saka sa lahat ng pagkakataon na nasa SC ako, lagi ko siyang kasama. Sumuko na lang ako nitong sunod na taon. Ayoko iyang kasama. Napaka-demanding. Palibhasa anak ng teacher dito.

Pinilit kong hindi makinig sa usapan nila ni Manong Jun. Narinig ko na pa nga na tinanong siya kung bakit dito siya daraan sa JHS gate. Sabi niya, dito raw siya nakasabay sa may payong. Palusot. Dapat hindi iyan pinapalabas dito. May sarili silamg gate.

Nag-focus ako sa bawat patak ng ulan. Hindi ako mahilig sa ulan pero parang kailangan ko talaga iyan ngayon. Ang sarap titigan.

“Excuse me.”

Napatingala ako nang tawagin niya ako. I silently castigated myself. Akala ko ba titingin lang sa ulan, Cassy? Bakit lumingon?

Mukhang sinadya niya talaga na kausapin ako. By the looks he’s giving me, baka makikisukob sa pinahiram na payong sa akin? Napatingin ako sa payong at napabaling sa kaniya. His hair was dishevelled and wet. May mga hibla na nakabagsak na sa noo niya. Mukha na siyang oppa. Actually, gwapo talaga siya. Sabi ng mga kaklase ko, ang tatay raw niya ay ibang lahi. Maganda na nga raw ang mama niya, mukhang talagang gwapo pa ang tatay.

Shocks. What? Kino-compliment ko ba siya?

I cleared my throat. “Po?”

May paggalang pa rin naman ako. He’s the freaking SC President! Anak pa ng teacher ko sa English ngayon. On top of that, a well-known genius. Dapat daw sa International School Manila siya papasok noong Grade 8 siya kaso hindi tumuloy. Dito siya nagtuloy mag-aral. Science class siya at nasa STEM ang strand ngayon. Nakatanggap din siya ng scholarship from DOST dahil sa siya ang nagwagi sa International Science Research Fair sa ibang bansa. Sabi ng sources ko (yes, journalist po kasi ako), he’s bound to MIT or Harvard.

And sa tingin mo marami ka ng alam tungkol sa mortal mong kaaway?

“Pauwi ka na ba?”

At bakit mo tinatanong kung pauwi na ako?

“Kapag tumila na nang bahagya iyong ulan?”

Tumingin siya sa kalangitan. “I know I am kind of rude right now but will it be okay kung sasabay ako maglakad hanggang sa sakayan? Hindi naman ako out of the way sa iyo?”

His voice was kind of nice today. May nice bones naman pala siyang nakatago. E, bakit laging masungit sa akin?

I cleared my throat again. “Okay po.” What? Anong okay? Hindi ba at magkaaway kayo?

I slightly shook my head to stop myself from thinking too much. Mabait pa rin naman akong nilalang.

“Thank you.”

Marunong din siyang magpasalamat sa akin? Wow.

Hindi ko na siya pinansin. Tahimik na hinintay naming tumila ang ulan. Nang ilang sandali lang ay um-okay na (malakas pa rin naman at may hangin nang bahagya pero keribels na), ay nagyaya na ako sa kaniya. Mukhang inip na rin kasi siya.

“I’ll hold the umbrella, if it’s okay with you?”

“Oh. Okay.” Wala naman akong palag kasi mas matangkad siya kaysa sa akin. Hanggang sa ilalim lang yata ako ng kili-kili nito, e.

May kalakihan ang payong kaya sakto lang sa amin. Hindi naman kami pareho mataba kaya okay ang sukat. Medyo ilang lang ako maglakad kasi nga nakatatakot kaya siya.

Simula mapasok ako sa Student Council ay takot na ako sa taong ito, e. Ang sungit-sungit niya. Noong Grade 7 ako ay umiyak talaga ako nang napagalitan niya ako kasi may nalimutan akong ibilin sa level namin. He was the PIO of the Council at that time.

“Where do you live?”

Napatingala ako sa kaniya. “Huh?”

“If you mind, you don’t need to answer.”

“Uhm, diyan lang sa may kanto pa-Paulette.” At talagang sinagot mo tanong niya?

Honest akong tao, e!

I grimaced at myself. Napaka-honest ko naman talaga.

“If you don’t mind again, I will accompany you. I’ll be needing an umbrella. I’m sorry. I forgot mine at home and I don’t think the rain will stop at any time now.”

Alam kong Englishero siya at kaya ko rin naman magsalita ng English pero natameme talaga ako kapag kausap na niya ako.

Napakurap-kurap ako sa kaniya. “O-okay?” Wala na akong masabi.

🌱🌱🌱

“Bakit ako?”

Natigilan ako sa pag-upo nang ibungad sa akin ng Editor-in-Chief na ako raw ang mag-i-interview sa SC President.

“Please? Ikaw na lang kasi ang available?”

Sinamaan ko ng tingin ang EIC namin. Ang dami kayang writers! Saka hindi naman ako from SPJ, e!

“Look, Cassy. Ni-recommend ka ni Ma’am Shana. Maganda raw write-ups mo lalo na nga sa feature. Dahil ikaw naman assistant head feature writer natin, ikaw na ang susulat.”

“Nandyan naman si Jerome?” Tukoy ko sa head Feature writer. Ayoko talaga. Hindi ko kayang interview-in si President, ano!

“Jerome is taking a backseat for now. May problem sa family niya. Alam mo naman iyon, ‘di ba?”

“Kinokonsensya mo ba ako?”

Tinawanan lang ako ni EIC. Kung hindi lang siya ang chief ko, baka kanina ko pa siya inaway.

“No. Alam mong I don’t do guilt-tripping.”

“E, bakit ako?”

Napabuntong-hininga na naman siya. “Cassidy Angela.”

Napanguso ako. Binanggit na niya ang name ko. Kapag naiinis na siya sa akin, binabanggit na niya ang full first name ko.

“EIC kasi. Alam mo naman na hindi ako bet ni Pres. Hindi ko siya kayang interview-in. Saka papayag ba siya na ako mag-i-interview sa kaniya?”

“He agreed.”

“What?” Hindi naman nagpapa-interview pa si SC Pres eversince nanungkulan siya.

“Pumayag na siya basta ikaw ang interviewer.”

“No way.”

“Yes way, Cassy. So, pumayag ka na.”

I was left with no choice but to prepare myself for another uncomfortable situation with the SC Pres. Ang tagal mag-June! Gusto ko na siyang grumaduate para makahinga na ako nang maluwag.

“Here are the sets of questions. Nabigyan na rin namin siya ng copy kaya everything will be good.”

I just nodded despite my dubious mind.

Goodluck to me then.

🌱🌱🌱

“Wait lang, Cassy. Wala pa si Pres. Hintayin mo na lang muna rito sa loob? Patapos naman na class niya.”

“Ay, ganoon ba? Balik na lang ako mamaya. May klase pa kasi ako. Nagpaalam lang ako, e. Balik na lang ako.” Nginitian ko si Myra, iyong SC secretary.

“Okay. I-note ko na lang na pumunta ka. Balik ka na lang lunch break mo?”

“Yup. Thanks, Ate My. Balik na lang ako.”

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang lumabas ako ng SC office. Buti wala si Pres. Hindi talaga ako handa. One week lang binigay sa akin para matapos itong write up about sa SC Most Sought President daw. Eme nila.

“Wala si Pres?” Tanong ng kasama kong Photographer pagkalabas.

“Wala, Shy. Balik na lang tayo sa class muna. Lunch break na lang tayo daan.”

“Okay. Message ka kapag papunta na tayo. Tambay ako sa canteen.”

“Bakit?” May klase pa, a.

“Walang Math. Hayahah day.”

Tinanguan ko na lang siya at nagpaalam na na babalik ako sa classroom. Pinapasok na ako sa loob kahit late ako. Nagpaalam naman ako kaya hahabol na lang ako sa lecture.

I tried to focus my attention sa lecture pero nababalik ako sa pag-iisip ng mangyayaring interview mamaya. Paano ako magsisimula? Kinakabahan talaga ako! Sisisihin ko talaga si EIC kapag ako umiyak na naman dahil inaway ako.

“Hey. Nandiyan na kayo? Tuloy kayo, Cassy. Nandyan na si Pres. Nag-lunch lang sandali. Nag-lunch na rin naman kayo, ‘di ba?”

Tumango ako kahit hindi pa talaga. Hindi ako makakain. Feeling ko tatae ako sa sobrang kaba.

Okay, Cassidy. Padayon. Kaya mo iyan. Huwag pahalatang ikaw ay kinakabahan.

“Pasok na kayo,” tinuro ni Myra ang office ni Pres.

Malakas ang kabog ng dibdib na naglakad ako palapit. Kasunod ko si Shy. Tatlong beses akong kumatok bago binuksan ang pinto.

“M-magandang tanghali po,” bati ko. Bumati rin si Shy.

Nakatayo si Pres at mukhang may sinasalansan na papel sa table niya nang mabungaran namin. Sandali siyang nag-angat ng tingin at pinaupo na muna kami sa brown couch. Sosyal talaga ng room ng SC Pres. Napaka-classic at ang lakas maka-yayamanin ng dating. Palibhasa sila may pinakamalaking school budget.

“For a moment, huh. Pasensya na at makalat. We’re just busy a while ago.”

“Okay lang po, Pres,” sagot ni Shy. Gusto ko rin sana reply-an ang sinabi niya kaso huwag na lang. Baka ma-badtrip. Mukhang hindi pa siya kumakain kasi nakahanda pa iyong pagkain niya sa table.

I sat like a very mahinhin na lady. Hindi ko kaya alam ang gagawin. Nakasunod lang ang tingin namin kay Pres na paupo na sa tapat ng couch na kinauupuan namin.

“So, how you doin’?”

Napakurap-kurap ako nang magtanong siya pagkaupo. Shy nudged me kaya napaayos ako ng upo. I cleared my throat.

“We’re doing good, Pres. Maraming salamat po sa pagpalaunlak sa interview na ito. I hope you are now ready?” Because I was not.

“Yeah. I am,” he said, smiling a bit. He’s looking at me. Naka-i-intimidate!

“Okay.” I cleared my throat again and began asking the questions.

🌱🌱🌱

“Cassy!”

Kinawayan ako ni Shy nang makita akong naglalakad pabalik sa building namin. Inangat ko ang tingin. Nasa second floor siya, e.

“Congrats! Top likes ang article mo!” She beamed.

Napangiti na rin ako. “Congrats din sa iyo! Nice shot!”

Nakailang bati ang natanggap ko sa mga kakilala ko sa Journ club. Ngiti at thank you lang ang nasagot ko. Sinabihan din ako ni Ma’am Shana na mahusay raw talaga ako sa Feature Writing. I-try ko raw gawing sideline ang pagsulat.

What do you say sa article mo? Any regrets of not accepting the offer? Congrats, Cassy-pangit. I’m proud of you.

Napangiti na lang ulit ako nang matanggap ang message ni EIC. Somehow, sa kabila ng kaba at taranta ko while interviewing the Pres, at least maganda naman ang feedback. Akala ko maba-bash ako.

“Congratulations.”

Muntik nang tumalon ang puso ko sa gulat. Buti wala akong sakit sa puso!

“P-Pres,” nautal kong sambit nang siya ang maangatan ko ng tingin. Napa-side step ako at nilingon ang paligid. Nasa Main canteen ako ng JHS. Anong ginagawa ng SC Pres dito, e nasa SHS na siya?

“Walang matinong pagkain sa SHS Canteens.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko na tinitigan siya. Nabasa niya ba ang isip ko? E, hindi naman siya nakatingin sa akin!

“I don’t read minds. Just too palpable with your reaction,” and he looked at me.

Napaiwas ako ng tingin. “Wala naman akong sinabi.”

He scoffed. “Sure.”

Napabalik na naman ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Inaasar na naman ba niya ako?

“Why are you in SPA, Cassidy?” Tanong niya habang namimili na ng pagkain. Bakit ba magkasunuran kami sa pila?

“Bakit?” Ganting-tanong ko.

“You wrote good articles.”

“Is that a way of saying I am good?”

Sandaling tinapunan niya ako ng tingin. Akala ko mag-re-retort back siya pero hindi na siya nagtanong pa. Ngumuso na lang ako at namili na rin ng pagkain. Hindi marunong mag-compliment. Hmp.

Magbabanggit na sana ako ng order ko nang mauna siyang magsalita. Nauna na rin siya agad sa pila.

“Isang tortang talong, isang munggo, at isa rin pong rice.”

Wala akong nagawa. Gusto ko siyang pagsalitaan ng bastos pero nasa canteen kami. Dito kumakain mga teacher. Baka mamaya nandiyan pa mama niya. Ibagsak ako sa English.

“Ano sa iyo?” Tanong sa akin ng tindera.

“Uh, isang pakbet po at kalahating kanin.”

Nakita ko sa peripheral vision ko na bahagya siyang tumingin sa gawi ko. Ano na namang problema nito?

“75 pesos,” sabi ng tindera sa kaniya.

“40 pesos sa iyo, ineng.”

“Okay po.”

“Heto po sa akin. Ibawas na po iyong kaniya. Padagdagan na rin po ng C2 and saging.”

Napatingala na naman ako. Nilibre ba niya ako?

“It’s my treat and my way of saying you just did a good job, Cassy.”

He smiled and he left. I was left dumbfounded.

Hatch Day

One fine day in a faraway land
There lived a lady who loved a band
Of glittering and shining light
Sounding might and looking bright.
Then,
There went turmoils and plights
She couldn’t help but feel forlorn
With the unfolding of dying sights
Of those with her when she’s born.
But,
With her mighty mind came untold
Tales that bugged her ’till she bore
All the nimble souls her senses told
And praises she hoped then born.

Your Honor

Prying eyes met mine
Glanced sideway to avoid sight.
They bore naught but hatred in their might.
Could not fathom the deepest treasure they hide
When they began talking ’bout mine.

I was certain I firmly held
The highest acceptance of responsibility.
But it befell sans notice
Until I grasped no holding.

Then came the honking of the streets
Waking all paths there was
And housing all stories of all means
Leaving me with nothing.

SS – EL OCULTAS PAIS

When I was a child, my father said that I should not let my study hinder my education. I asked him what he meant but he just smiled at me. He said that I would know it in the latter part of my life. So, I tried to research on it when I was in high school. I found nothing in the books that’s why I asked people around. Good thing I have an elder sister who knew a lot in this world. She answered me that studies were the things I learned in school like all of my subjects while education was the behavior and attitudes learned through observation. I was enlightened when I had learned the answer. I was so happy but suddenly felt sadness because father was not there to hear my answer anymore.

I sighed.

“Ang lalim, a?”

Napatingin ako kay Sharmaine na nakakunot ang noo sa akin. May hawak syang libro na novel at mukhang nagbabasa pero naistorbo ko dahil sa paghinga nang malalim.

“Sorry,” mahina kong saad. Inikot ko ang tingin sa library kung nasaan kami para tignan kung bukod sa kaibigan kong matalik ay may naistorbo pa ako. Wala naman.

“May problem ba?” Tanong nya na isinarado na ang hawak na libro.

“Tapos ka nang magbasa?” Tanong ko. Kanina pa kasi nya hawak yung libro.

Umiling sya at nagtanong ulit. “Minsan ka lang mag-sigh kaya na-curious ako. Bakit?”

Napailing ako. “Wala naman. Naalala ko lang si papa.”

“Oh,” tanging sambit nya na kinuha naman ang panulat at papel sa loob ng bag niya. Pagkatapos ay tumingin muli sya sa akin. “Thursday ngayon, ‘di ba? Uuwi ka na ba sa inyo bukas? Hanggang kailan ka? Sa enrolment ka na ba babalik?”

“Siguro. Tumawag si ate kaya baka uuwi ako at magtuloy-tuloy na.”

Nakatanggap kasi ako ng sulat mula sa nakatatanda kong kapatid na nagtatrabaho sa Amarillo na uuwi sya. At dahil miss ko na sya, uuwi muna ako.

“Gano’n? Sayang. Isasama sana kita sa party bukas. Kilala mo ba si Ashton Agoncilla?”

“Hindi.”

“Yung star player ng baseball?”

Umiling ako. Hindi ako mahilig manood sa mga laro.

Ngumuso siya sa’kin na parang disappointed na disappointed. Bahagya akong napangiti.

“Bakit? Ano bang pa-party nya?”

“Birthday nya bukas. May party na magaganap sa Municipalia.”

“Imbitado ka ba?”

“Oo naman. Para saan pa at ako ang reigning Señorita?”

Natawa ako. Minsan talaga si Sharmaine conceited. Tama naman sya. Maganda, matalino, mayaman, at talented pa siya pero mayabang din minsan, e.

“Ano? Sama ka? Kahit sandali lang tayo tapos ihahatid kita sa istasyon ng tren,” aniya.

“Ano ka ba? Hindi naman ako imbitado kaya bakit sasali ako sa party. Ikaw na lang,” tanggi ko. Hindi ko lang talaga forte ang mga gusto ng kaibigan ko. “Hindi ka ba uuwi sa inyo?”

“Wala sina mama. Nasa Candelaria. Kaya stay muna ako rito.”

“Gusto mong magbakasyon sa amin?” Tanong ko habang nagliligpit na ng mga gamit. Tumunog na ang bell hudyat na tapos na ang ikalawang semester ng taong ito. Maririnig mo ang sigawan ng mga kapwa ko estudyante. Tapos na ang sem, sa wakas.

“Gusto ko sana. Kaso may lakad kami sa Azul ni CJ.” Tukoy nya sa boyfriend nya mula nung first year kami.

“Saan na naman gala nyo? Parang nung nakaraang bakasyon lang nasa may Amarillo kayo. Nakita pa kayo ni Ate.”

“Ano ka ba naman, Mara. Minsan lang ‘to. Ang layo-layo ng school nya, e.”

“Oo na. Wala na akong masabi.” Natatawang tumayo na ako at nagpaalam sa kanya na babalik na sa dormitoryo. Mag-aayos na ako ng gamit. Bukas ako ng madaling-araw aalis para bago pa lumalim ang gabi ay nasa Casalaran na ako, tawag sa balangay kung saan ako lumaki at nagkaisip.

Patawid na ako sa footbridge ng Education building at Engineering Department kung saan ay may shortcut papunta sa dormitoryo nang hindi sinasadyang nabitiwan ko ang mga librong hawak ko. Natigilan ako. Para kasing may nakatingin kaya inilibot ko ang paningin.

Wala.

Nagpalinga-linga ako. Tanging mga masasayang mukha ng mga mag-aaral ang nakikita ko. Wala namang kakaiba. Ipinagkibit-balikat ko na lang ang nararamdamang uneasiness. Baka naho-homesick na lang ako.

Madaling-araw pa lang ay nasa may istasyon na ako ng tren. Tulog na tulog pa si Sharmaine nang umalis ako. Hinayaan ko na lang at sumabay sa iilang tulad ko na nakatira sa malayong lugar.

Alas-singko ng umaga ay palabas na kami ng Greencity kung nasaan ang school na pinapasukan ko. Pumwesto ako sa pinakabintana. May mga kasama ako sa loob ng cabin. Kapwa ko mga kaklase sa paaralan na mga nakatira sa Town center ng Verde.

“Pupunta ba si Sharmaine sa party mamaya?” tanong ng isa kong kaklase.

“Oo, e. Kaya nga ‘di ko kasabay.”

“Mahilig talaga sa party yang kaibigan mo, e no?”

Tumawa na lang ako at tumingin na sa bintana. Tanaw na tanaw ko yung lighthouse sa mataas na bahagi ng Greencity. Patuloy na umiikot yung ilaw sa pinakataas na bahagi niyon. Binabantayan kung may papasok ng walang pahintulot ng lugar.

Ang Greencity kasi ay nasa gitna ng Verde lake. Hindi ka makapupunta roon kung hindi mo alam kung ano-ano ang mga lagusan. Tatlo lang naman ang paraan para makapasok ka sa loob, e. Una, sa pamamagitan ng tren. Pangalawa, sa ilog na magbabangka ka. Pangatlo at pinakahuli sa lahat ay ang pagdaan sa malaking gate sa may footbridge. Mahihirapan kung sinuman ang nagbabalak pumasok sa loob lalo na kung hindi nya alam ang pasikot-sikot sa lugar. Masyadong masalimuot.

Nakatingin lang ako sa labas ng salamin at panaka-nakang nakikinig sa kwentuhan ng mga kasama ko sa loob. Nakatulog din ako kahit paano kasi pagdilat ko nasa may town center na ako. Padilim na rin ang paligid.

Nang nasa kalagitnaan na kami ng byahe nang mapagdesisyunan kong mag-ikot muna. Minsan lang akong umuwi na mag-isa kaya susulitin ko na. Si Sharmaine kasi ay masyadong tamad maglakad sa pasilyo ng tren kaya hindi ako makapaglibot—libot minsan.

Mga mukha ng mga kapwa ko mag-aaral ang nakikita ko sa tren. Mayroon din akong nakikitang mga taga-Municipalia nag-aaral. Pasimple lang akong tumitingin sa kanila hanggang sa makarating ako sa pinakaunahan ng tren kung saan kitang-kita ko ang dinaraanan namin. Halos berde ang nakikita ng aking mata. Nakalagpas na kami sa lawa. Sa kabundukan na kami kung saan mga pani-paniwala na may naninirahan daw na mga kakaibang nilalang.

I was not into those tall tales that people living in the forest were savage and wild. They were also humans like us so what’s to bother? Hinihinga nila ang hanging parehong hinihinga natin.

Nasa ganoon akong pag-iisip nang biglang nag-preno ang tren. Halos sumadlak ako sa salaming naghaharang sa akin sa labas. Dinig ko rin ang tilian ng mga pasahero. Nakabibinginng screeching sound ang pumailanlang sa aking mga pandinig kaya napapikit ako. Nang idilat ko naman ang mga mata ay namulatan ko ang isang itim na aninong nagkukubli sa malaking puno na nasa labas lang. Halos malapit lang sya sa tren. Anino? Anino ng tao! Napatayo ako. Hindi iyon anino… kundi tao na nakatayo sa ilalim ng anino ng puno ng Acacia.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin nang tumama ang mga mata ko sa mata ng taong iyon. Itim na itim, kabaliktaran ng kulay ng kanyang balat. Tinitigan ko sya at unti-unti akong humakbang palapit sa salamin. Nakatingin pa rin sya. Hindi ko alam kung saan ba sya nakatingin pero nakikita ko ang napakaitim na kulay ng kanyang mga mata.

“Excuse me.”

Napalingon ako sa biglang salita ng kung sino man. I saw no one behind me. Napabalik ako ng tingin sa tao sa may puno. Wala na sya! Teka? Saan nagpunta iyon? Isa ba sya sa mga naninirahan sa loob ng kagubataan? Ang bilis nyang nawala! Saka… sino yung nagsalita sa likod ko?

Napalingon muli ako. May nagsalita talaga, e. Sino iyon?

Napaigtad ako nang bumukas ang sliding door at pumasok ang isa sa mga attendees ng tren.

“Miss, okay ka lang po ba?” Tanong nya sa akin. Hindi agad ako nakasagot. Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa labas at sa attendee.

“Miss?” untag nya ulit. Napailing ako.

“Uhm… yes po. Okay lang po ako. Pasensya na. M-may… may… akala ko kasi may nakita akong ano. Hindi ko alam. Namalikmata lang siguro ako. Pasensya na,” ani ko at agad na nilagpasan sya.

“Wait, Miss!” Tawag na nama nung attendee. Wala n asana akong balak huminto kaso natigilan ako sa sinabi nya. “May naiwan po ‘ata kayo?”

Napalingon ako. May hawak syang kwintas at agad na lumapit sa akin para ibigay iyon.

“S-sandali lang,” angal ko at akmang ibabalik ko na ang kwintas nang makita kong wala na akong kausap. Oh no! Nangilabot ako. Nasaan na yung babae? Nagpalinga-linga ako pero wala na talaga. Walang ibang daanan palabas kung hindi sa kinatatayuan ko. ‘Wag niyong sabihin na isa iyong multo? Nabitiwan ko ang kwintas. Hindi akin ‘yan! At agad na tumakbo pabalik sa pwesto ko kanina. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari.

Pagkatapos sa tren ay sumakay ako sa caratella. Dalawang oras na byahe pa bago ko marating ang bahay namin na nasa may pinakadulo ng syudad nakapwesto. Halos malapit na nga kami sa border ng Amorillo at ng pinakamalawak na kagubatan sa lugar.

Pasado ala-siyete ay nasa harap na ako ng tarangkahan ng aming tahanan. Limang buwan din akong hindi nakauwi kaya naman parang nakaramdaman ako ng kasiyahan ng muling masilayan ang maliwanag pa naming bakuran. Tumuloy na ako hanggang sa may pinto at bahagyang kumatok. Hindi nagtagal ay ang mukha ng mama ang sumalubong sa akin.

“Mika!”

“Mama,” yakap ko sa kanya. Ibinaba ko na lang basta ang gamit ko ng niyakap ko ang mama.

“Nakauwi na ang bunso ko,” aniya na hinaplos-haplos ang buhok ko. Pumasok kami sa loob at agad nya akong pinaupo sa may sofa.

“Gusto mo bang kumain?”

“Hindi na, ‘ma. Nakakain na ako sa may tren.”

“Ganoon ba? O siya. Magpahinga ka muna at parating na rin ang ate mo.”

“Opo, mama. Akyat muna ako sa kwarto ko.” Humalik ako sa pisngi nya bago umalis at umakyat na sa kwarto ko.

Inayos ko ang mga gamit ko. Inisa-isa kong alisin ang lahat ng laman ng bagahe ko ng mapatda lamang dahil sa may kwintas na nakaipit sa pagitan ng mga damit ko. Napatayo ako.

“Ma. Mama. Ma!” tili ko. Hindi lumipas ang segundo nang bumukas ang pinto at niluwa niyon si mama na humahangos.

“Bakit?”

Agad akong tumakbo sa kanya at yumakap. Pagkatapos ay itinuro ko iyong kwintas na ngayon ay wala na sa damitan ko.

“A-ano? Nasaan na? Nandito lang yung kwintas, ‘ma. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nasa akin iyon pero sinundan ako ng kwintas na iyon mula pa sa tren, mama,” nanginginig ang labing turan ko. Hindi ako humiwalay ng hawak sa nanay ko dahil sa takot ang bumabalot sa akin ngayon.

Nangunot ang noo nya. “Ano bang sinasabi mo, Mara Shanella? Anong kwintas?”

“Yung may pendant na bilog – ” natigilan ako. Hindi pa naman nakikita iyon ng nanay ko kaya paano nya malalaman?

“Pendant na bilog na may nakaukit na isang templo na napapalibutan ng kristal?”

“Huh?”

Lumayo sa akin si mama. “Ano ka ba naman, Mara? Suot mo ang kwintas mo.”

“Huh?” Napayuko ako at ganoon na lang ang panggigilalas nang makita ko ang suot kong kwintas.

Napatili ako nang napakalakas.